Rock journalism

I know I'm making the right decision.

2011-12-13T01:57:00.000-08:00

But why does it have to be so difficult?

Realistically, I know I can't just keep spending a shit ton of money to live in Eugene (which apparently isn't a shit ton according to Asshole Roommate, who has a full-time job and makes bank and therefore doesn't know what expensive is) while I keep failing to graduate, year after year. And my mom and stepdad continue to amaze me with their support and eagerness to have me move out of my apartment and go up to Alaska to live with them.

I need to get out of Eugene. I can't live this way anymore, in this shitty apartment with roommates who honestly couldn't give a rat's ass whether or not I'm even still alive, having to wait until everyone's out/asleep to come home so I don't have to make awkward conversation or explain my existence to them.

I'm continually depressed about my school situation. Everyone I graduated high school with is now out of college. Even the ones who took a bonus term are gone now. My advising appointment last week didn't give me a promising outlook either: if I took 16 credits per term, including summer, and passed all my classes, the earliest I could graduate would be the end of winter term 2013. My financial aid will likely run out either this term or next.

I'm stressed out. The job market here in Eugene is slim, even for part-time work. The likelihood of improvement even after I supposedly graduate is slim. I'd be lucky to get any job, much less one that will allow me to pay rent and bills while also paying off my thousands of dollars in student loans.

It's gotten to the point where I have trouble sleeping. A day where I don't entertain the idea of playing in highway traffic to avoid having to deal with my dismal future is increasingly rare and far between.

All these are reasons why moving to Alaska is, in all honesty, the right decision. I'm excited to get the fuck out of here and start a new life where no one knows me, no one hates me, I haven't burned bridges with anyone.

At the same time, I feel terrible. I've made so many amazing friends while here in Eugene, many of whom I'll likely ever see again once I'm gone. Same goes for my dad, my siblings, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.

My favorite cousin, who's currently a sophomore in high school, wants to go to UO to study music. She made this decision largely because of my influence. She looks up to me. She was looking forward to moving down to Eugene and living with me, and we would be the best roommates ever. None of that can ever happen now. I'll probably never see her again.

Other members of my family, who I already never see enough as it is, are going to hate me forever, because by leaving, I'm basically taking a huge shit on everything they've ever done for me.

I'll have to give up all the freedom I had while living here in Eugene. I'll be back with my parents, and it'll be like high school all over again. I won't be able to go anywhere. They'll make me go to church, a place I've never felt comfortable. Going out to Taylor's, Rennie's, Max's, going to the mall just for the hell of it, going to the library and literally having the world at my fingertips..that's all over.

I know I should appreciate this chance to start fresh in a new place. Lots of people don't get this opportunity, and they just have to deal with how much their lives suck.

I just wish it didn't hurt this much.

I'm not dead, I promise!

2011-12-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

So...I found a new playlist site, and decided to add new music to my blog. And...I looked down and realized I hadn't updated this site in about four months... :(

I'll start by saying this: Yay Rose Bowl trip! You know you support a really good football team when you have to "settle" for the Rose Bowl. Most former OMB members have never been on a Rose Bowl trip. Now, a little less than half the band will be experiencing their second trip to Pasadena, complete with a 22-hour day...yikes.

Of course, none of that was set in stone until we won a little football game called the Pac-12 Championship. It was the first time such a game had been played in the Pac-12, and we got to host it at Autzen! Even better, we got to host a visiting band - the UCLA Bruin Marching Band - and we're all pretty much best friends now. :)

Now, time to take on finals week and then winter break before heading down to Pasadena! :)

My feelings on facial hair.

2011-08-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

(Note: This blog post was spawned from comments on a status I posted purely in a passive-aggressive burst of inspiration. My roommate was all pissy because the shower wasn't completely clean - I had dumped the mop bucket and tried without success to rinse out the tub - yet JUST THE PREVIOUS DAY I woke up to stubble all over the counter. And before that I had cleaned the bathroom floor, which featured a corner by the tub that was covered in hair from an entirely different male region that was stuck to the floor with layers of soap scum. But that's a different subject. Anyway...)

In general: I'm not a fan of facial hair. I prefer clean-shaven guys. However, this is a generalization, and like all generalizations, there are exceptions to the rule.

Some guys just look better with a little stubble. Others are suited best by a full, glorious beard. However, I draw a firm line at the people I see every day around town who grow their beards out to a foot or more and then let them get all matted and scraggly. Some of them may be homeless. Some of them are not.

I've also had the experience of kissing guys both with and without stubble. I definitely prefer smooth faces. It just feels nicer. Although, I try not to think about it being "smooth as a baby's bottom" as they say. It just seems less sexy after that thought enters your mind.

As strong as my opinion is in favor of smooth-faced guys, I will admit that the rugged look deserves some credit. But in that case, you can't half-ass it. You have to be dedicated from start to finish. And don't even try it if you know it's going to be all patchy and gross looking. Uneven stubble is never attractive.

Finally, I'm just going to state that this is my personal opinion. Guys, if you want to grow your beard out and your woman is cool with it, more power to you. Just keep it looking good.

And for the love of God, wipe your damn stubble off the counter after you shave.

This post is dedicated to Evan C. Paul, a GTF at the University of Oregon School of Music, who possesses the most epic beard I've ever seen.

I need to write.

2011-08-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

I know I could be using this time to catch up on sleep. I probably should be using this time to catch up on sleep. But I've had so much on my mind lately, and no one I can really discuss it with. So...I guess I'll just send it out into the world.

Honestly...I'm still not sure what to make of this whole becoming an aunt thing. Yes, I've had almost three weeks to process this reality. But the truth is, I'm not ready. Not only that, but it's like my entire world has been shaken up again.

My mom and stepdad were hard on me during high school. It wasn't until my junior year that I was allowed to just casually hang out with my friends, dating was out of the question (not that anyone at my high school was worth pursuing back then anyway) and we all knew the reaction if any of us ever came home knocked up or having knocked someone else up.

Fast forward a few years. My stepbrother had multiple girlfriends throughout high school, and is now living ("in sin," some would say, although I guess the fact that they're both committed and Christian makes it somehow okay...?) with his girlfriend of a couple years. My parents have gone from telling us no dating whatsoever to trying to set me up with whatever males they can remember the names of (well, not literally, but they'll ask me, "What about [insert name here]? He's a nice guy, hard worker, goes to church.")

But the thing is, I would much rather be single for the rest of my life than be forced to spend the rest of my life with some stereotypical "nice church boy." Every social experience I've EVER had via church has been a COMPLETE nightmare. I've never made lasting friends there, and I'm definitely not going to go hunting for a man there. Hell, my ex was a "nice church boy" and look where that ended up. Clearly, that particular demographic and I don't get along.

And now, my sister's knocked up. By some guy she's been dating for a couple of months. And surprisingly, my parents...are okay with it. At least that's how it seems.

It's like, everything I've ever been told, every expectation, has been blown out of the water. Completely.

And then what makes it SO MUCH BETTER is my mom, posting photos on her Facebook wall of all the happy couples in the family...oh wait, one of these things is most definitely NOT like the other.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want a guy for the sake of having an accessory that also doubles as a cuddle buddy on cold winter nights. That's one of the most horrible reasons I can think of, other than money and a few other things, to be with someone. I will be single until I reach the ends of the earth. But I'm tired of the side-by-side comparisons with me and my siblings. It's like saying, "Look who's doing it right. And then look who's FAAAAAAILING."

And most of all, I'm tired of the double standards.

Guess who just sold a book on Amazon.

2011-08-01T22:07:00.001-07:00

And guess whether said book is currently in a convenient place for me to grab it and put it in my backpack to await mailing tomorrow.

The book has been listed since June. For A MONTH AND A HALF it sat in various piles around my old bedroom. Easy to trip over, but also easy to extract the one book I needed at any given time.

Instead, it sold today, when all of my books are currently in boxes at the bottom of a pile of boxes in the living room. Next to the wall, i.e., the least convenient place they could possibly be.

Oh well…at least it’s money.

Summer reading!

2011-06-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, since I got a little sidetracked on my last reading list, I decided to start a new one. I figure I'll write down books as I read them.

The Debutante by Kathryn Williams (finished 6/2/2011)

Make Lemonade by Virginia Euwer Wolff (finished 6/4/2011)

True Believer by Virginia Euwer Wolff (finished 6/5/2011)

This Full House by Virginia Euwer Wolff (finished 6/9/2011)

Girls on the Verge by Vendela Vida (finished 6/14/2011)

The Experts' Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do created by Samantha Ettus (finished 6/17/2011)

New blog!

2011-06-06T16:00:00.001-07:00

My new college-life blog is an attempt to get back into regular blogging and chronicle my last year of college.

Read more here.

248

2011-04-29T20:58:00.001-07:00

Today I attended the memorial service for fallen Eugene Police Department officer Chris Kilcullen, who was shot by a 56-year-old woman during a traffic stop April 22. It was a sad day for Eugene, for Oregon and for law enforcement personnel everywhere, but the memorial proved to be a fitting tribute to a man who would later be described as the nicest, most respectful person to ever give someone a speeding ticket.

The memorial started with a lengthy procession from Autzen Stadium to Matthew Knight Arena, which the University of Oregon had graciously donated for the service. The procession included more than 400 vehicles from more than 50 law enforcement agencies from around Oregon, as well as four federal agencies and 11 from outside the state of Oregon.

Inside the arena, a slideshow of photos of Chris Kilcullen was playing on the video board as music played. After a short wait, the service began with an announcement about the nature of the ceremony, explaining the honors and traditions that would be involved. This was a nice gesture and made me, as a civilian, feel more comfortable with the atmosphere.

Several people spoke, including a few of Kilcullen's colleagues at EPD. The anecdotes ranged from tear-inducing recollections from Chief Pete Kerns, to humorous and emotional memories from several fellow officers.

Fellow motorcycle cop, John Risko, shared many nicknames Chris had received over the years, including several off-color ones that elicited laughs from the crowd. Starting with $5 in quarters, he handed one to a fellow EPD officer every time he used profanity.

"If I offend any kids in the room, I apologize," he said. "If I offend any adults...tough shit," he added, before placing a shiny quarter in the palm of his colleague.

"When I was spot on with a derogatory comment - which was most of the time," he said, before giving up another quarter, "Chris would just smile and say, 'John, you dick.'"

Another officer, Scott Dillon, directed the final words of his speech to Kilcullen himself, a 1986 UO graduate and avid Duck fan.

"Chris, you put in a time off request for one of this year's football games," he said. "As far as I know, it got denied. You better show up."

The rest of the memorial included another slideshow set to music by Linkin Park and Rob Zombie, alluding to Kilcullen's energetic, active nature, followed by the ceremonial presentation of folded American flags not only to Kilcullen's wife, Kristie, but to his two daughters as well. Chris's father John spoke about the gentle nature of his son but also mentioned his mischievous side with an anecdote from when Chris decided to visit his younger sister, Colby, at her middle-school dance. The then-teenage Colby was "mortified" to see two uniformed officers show up at her school asking for her.

As a bit of "payback" for that night, as well as an illustration of Kilcullen's easygoing demeanor, Colby shared a video she had recently taken with her phone of her brother playing the Nintendo Wii game "Just Dance." Laughter filled the arena as Kilcullen's crazy cheerleader-like movements played on the video board.

After the traditional playing of "Taps" and "Amazing Grace," the silence of the arena was broken by the crackling of a female police dispatcher's voice, as if over a police scanner.

“Last call for One Mary 18,” the voice said, referring to Kilcullen in dispatcher code (motorcycle cops are known as "Mary Units.")

After receiving no response from the officer, she continued: “All units be advised. One Mary 18 is secure. He may be gone, but he is not forgotten. Rest in peace, Chris. Rest in peace.”

Overall, the day was filled with respect and dignity for one of Eugene's finest men in blue, as well as for the rest of those whose job it is to keep our communities safe every day.

Also, it's worth noting that in addition to the officers who came from all over the region to attend the memorial, several other nearby agencies, including Oregon State Police, Lane County Sheriff, Springfield Police, Cottage Grove Police and Florence Police, lent personnel to help cover EPD's jurisdiction during the service and ensure the local community remained safe throughout the day while allowing as many EPD officers as possible to attend the service.

RIP Officer Kilcullen. I may not have gotten the chance to meet you in person, but after today, I feel like I would have loved to know you.

Stuff Americans Like: Royal Weddings

2011-04-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

The monograms kind of look like they spell "WIZ."

It's been interesting to see the obsession lately with the royal wedding. Especially because it seems that Americans are making a much bigger deal about it than the people who actually reside in the country where the wedding is taking place.
Maybe you don't plan to follow every second of the festivities, but don't want to be completely out of the loop when all the news feeds on Facebook/Twitter/whatever else blows up for six hours with news on every detail. And maybe, like me, you're a poor college student who decided to prioritize eating over paying for cable.

Luckily, there are not one, but TWO live streams (one from ABC, one from FOX) embedded here for your viewing pleasure.

Best wishes to the bride and groom on their special day!

Spring break reading :)

2011-03-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

(finished 3/21/2011)

(finished 4/8/2011)

bobrauschenbergamerica

2011-02-26T12:15:00.001-08:00

photo by Ivar Vong, Oregon Daily Emerald

The play opened last night and runs through March 12. It's pretty cool.

Forever alone.

2010-12-28T23:35:00.000-08:00

That's me.

And I guess that's how life works out.

I've hit a wall.

2010-12-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

I can't even stand being home anymore.
I have no money.
I have no job, or any hope of getting one.
Coincidentally, I'm staring at bills (which will be more expensive once my roommates leave) and later on, student loans. Which I'll never be able to pay off.
I'm constantly stressed, and all of my time that isn't spent actually paying bills is worrying about where the money's going to come from for the next round.
I don't even have a dog anymore.

There's no way out.

Adventure is Timeless

2010-11-12T17:49:00.001-08:00

Adventure is Timeless by soyperiodista789 featuring round toe shoes

Tailored pieces, classic neutral palette and a mix of textures with pops of red create a practical look for anyone.

music music music

2010-11-11T19:11:00.001-08:00

This year, I've been fortunate to have many opportunities to learn, practice and perform music.

I've been involved with the Oregon Marching Band for the past four years. During that time I've played the fight song hundreds of times, learned 13 field shows (including three different pregames), traveled to 8 away games (including a better bowl game every year), switched instruments and put in thousands of hours of rehearsal time. It's been heaven and hell, sometimes at the same time.

I've participated in the Oregon Campus Band at least one term every year since my freshman year. This is the first year I've done it in the same term as OMB, which makes Wednesdays extra long. It's a fun group with no drama and very low stress, and plenty of opportunities to gain experience on other instruments.

This year, I joined the Oregon Symphonic Band for the first time during my college career. It's definitely a step up from any other group I've ever participated in, but rehearsals move quickly and efficiently and it's a fun group of musicians to play with.

Next term, I'll be performing at men's basketball games (as well as some women's games) with the Oregon Basketball Band, along with many of the people I know from OMB. I loved basketball band in high school, and I tend to start pining for marching season about the middle of winter term, so maybe this group will help ease the inevitable withdrawal pain? :)

Halloween 2010

2010-11-11T19:04:00.000-08:00

Note: I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been very busy with school and marching band. Hopefully I can get back on some sort of regular posting schedule soon.

Here's some pretty pictures for you!

Finally updating this thing.

2010-09-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

You know, because I haven't posted anything here in like a month.

So yeah. September was busy. I had something marching-band related (often more than one something) every week. Between the pickup game, the Civil War auction, the leadership retreat, the work day, band camp, a game, more band camp, band council and school year rehearsals - before another game this weekend. All while I'm going to four other classes. Oy.

Basically, for the next four months, my life revolves around school and marching band. And trivia. Yay trivia.

Speaking of trivia, I'm super excited that Ashlyn's coming back this weekend AND that she can stay for trivia! I'm hoping to see her a bunch between...what else? Marching band events!

Any surprise that I'm typing this update from the School of Music? :P

Pick-Up Game

2010-09-05T22:20:00.000-07:00

September 4, 2010.

aka the official start to the Duck football season.

aka the first game on a brand-new field.

aka the day New Mexico died.

72-0. What a game.

And...I saw it all in person.

Reasons to stay single (aka my vitriolic, private written rant from last night)

2010-09-03T01:18:00.000-07:00

I enjoy being able to make decisions without having to consult an “other half.”

I love being able to go out when I want to and have fun without having to feel guilty about not being home with someone else.*

*Don't worry. I still get home in time to snuggle with Bear before bed.

I don’t feel obligated to do cutesy coupley stuff. Breakfast in bed? No thanks, I’ll get myself a poptart.

I can go to Winco and blow $20 or $30 on candy* without first having a lengthy discussion about whether I have “permission” to do so.

*I don't ACTUALLY do this. I'm just saying I could if I wanted to and had disposable income like that.

I can spend my own money. On me. I don’t have to argue with someone about how money from a joint bank account* is being spent.

*Which, by the way, is something I would NEVER, EVER recommend.** Especially if you’re not married. ESPECIALLY if you’re not even engaged. It just sets you up for all kinds of trouble. If you’re committed enough to share things like money, you’re committed enough to put a ring on it.

**My parents don't endorse this either.

I can hang out with male friends with absolutely no guilt.

Most of all, MY LIFE IS MY OWN. I can make my own decisions. I shouldn’t have to feel like someone is controlling me, either directly by refusing to let me do something or psychologically by trying to make me feel inferior.

Sorry to spoil your fun, but you’re not going to make me feel like I’m less than you because I’m not joined at the hip with someone else. You are, however, going to make me bitter and angry at you.

2010-08-14T16:20:00.001-07:00

(via hyperboleandahalf)

I shoot for the moon, but I'm too busy gazin' at stars.

2010-07-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

So yeah, this week has been crazy and fantastic.

Winning trivia on Tuesday.

A fun night out with friends on Wednesday.

Selling six books on Amazon, for a total of more than $100.

A job interview scheduled for next Wednesday.

Not being sick anymore.

:)

(Eminem, "Not Afraid")

My senses come alive

2010-07-22T00:08:00.000-07:00

So yeah. Someone who shall not be named blocked me on Facebook again, most likely because of a stupid online discussion of an issue he can’t possibly understand.

He’s done this before, and he was the one who requested me back last time. Not that I really mind either way. I know who my true friends are.

Right now I have bigger things to worry about. Getting my life in order, getting a job, staying happy and healthy, being the kind of friend my friends want and need.

So I welcome this break. And the joke’s on him.

Also, I have a really good idea for something I want to do for one of my friends. Well…I want to do this for all my friends eventually. But I’ll start with this one. :)

I got the idea on SixBillionSecrets.com. Someone posted a secret in which they told about how they keep a list of all the things they like about their friend, who’s struggling with depression and the self-loathing that can come with it. That friend has a truly amazing birthday gift coming to them.

I’m really excited to start this project. :)

(Miranda Cosgrove, "Sparks Fly")

I'm 21!

2010-07-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

Underestimate and swim.

2010-07-10T02:52:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to move.

I mean, I love my friends, but I'm getting really tired of either having to be around couplefests in my living room or having to leave home to be comfortable.

It really bothers me when I see people in relationships who ALWAYS. HAVE. TO DO EVERYTHING. AS A UNIT. They wake up at the same time, they eat every meal together, they go everywhere either together by themselves or with other couples who they can relate to and talk about stupid couple-y shit like "we've been trying to have sex, but he claims to have no sex drive and I'm afraid to break him" or "whenever he kisses me, he always tries to stick his tongue in my mouth, isn't that cute?"

Gag.

And then they go to bed together. It's always we, never "I." Because they've completely lost their ability to be themselves. Which disgusts me more than I can express in words.

This may be an extremely radical and biased opinion. But that's how I see it. And if any guy EVER tries to pull that overbearing crap with me, I will kick him to the curb. I'd rather be single than a doormat. Any day of the week.

(Superchic(k), "One Girl Revolution")

Maybe I'm meant to be single forever.

2010-07-08T01:05:00.000-07:00

Because I love being able to be independent way too much.

When I look around me at all the people I know who are in relationships, I see nothing I want and almost everything I would never want in a million years.

A couple of days ago, StumbleUpon found a site with a story about the differences between men and women. One of them said something along the lines of how you'll rarely hear a man say "I have to check with [insert name of wife/girlfriend here] first" because the man doesn't want to feel like his decisions are controlled, especially not by a woman. Conversely, women love to be able to say "I have to check with [insert name of husband/boyfriend here]" because they like to show off how intertwined her life is with her partner's.

I see this all the time with my friends. My roommates can't do ANYTHING without consulting the other. Which to me sounds way too restricting. Who wants to be involved with something that completely strips you of your own identity? Who would want a life where everything depends on the other person giving you permission?

Also, I recently found a site that suggested that women's dress should reflect both what you're divinely being told to do and "what the husband prefers." Again, you lose all identity and all freedom to choose for yourself.

Um, no thanks.

Special announcement!

2010-07-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

After a nearly yearlong hiatus, I finally updated another one of my blogs, The Best Free Stuff Ever! It will eventually be full of tips and tricks for living well on a budget, as well as keeping the influx of bargains and freebies under control.

Enjoy!

Let's make a fast plan, watch it burn to the ground...

2010-07-05T15:03:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to have a job by tomorrow.

Which is looking less and less likely when 1) half of the people I know are competing for the same jobs; 2) it seems like everyone hiring is looking for a year or two of very specific experience, aka my year of general office experience is barely useful and my copy editing experience is meaningless; and 3) lots of people still aren't hiring because of the economy.

Also, I'm pretty sure those stupid personality surveys in 90% of the applications I've filled out are designed to weed me out of any potential work, because I'm failing every single one of them.

Meanwhile, I need to be able to insure a car, move into an apartment and eat within the next two weeks.

I have hit the end.

(She Wants Revenge, "These Things")

Here it goes again...

2010-06-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being strung along for a while by various people, and then dropped when they decided they're not bored anymore.

I think I'm just done trying.

Could you be my yellow when I'm feeling gray?

2010-06-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

Why do men have to make life so miserable?

I don't even want a relationship so much as I want to feel loved. Cared about. Important to someone other than me.

I want someone who I can be excited about being with. Someone who isn't afraid to do what it takes to help me feel good.

Sigh...so much for that.

(Daniel Merriweather, "Could You")

(insert profound song lyric here)

2010-06-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

Because right now, I can't think of one, and I don't want to force anything into being a title. It has to flow naturally. It has to be the song that makes its way into my mind and refuses to leave.

I'm completely lost right now.

I feel like such an awful person. I can't bring myself to completely ignore people, so the only other option is for me to be labeled as a creeper.

I feel another friendship dissolving right under the eggshells I find myself walking on so I don't get myself in trouble...again.

I was looking forward to a happy summer. Instead, I'm jobless, constantly being compared to my siblings or other family members, and more and more people seem to hate me every day.

I look at my siblings, then I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell went wrong. My sister, who nearly didn't graduate high school, is leaving next week for basic training for the Navy. So of course everyone's proud of her.

And my step brother...has a job, has a girlfriend, has his own vehicle that he can afford to insure himself. So of course everyone's proud of him, they hold him up as a model for everyone else to emulate, they openly applaud everything from how he has his life under control to how even though he's finally committed to ONE girl, he's still doing the responsible thing and waiting until after they're both done with school before they get married.

Then they turn to me and say, "Have you considered match.com?"

Grrrrrr...this is why I'm going to drink...after I turn 21 that is...

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

2010-06-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

So... I didn't get to sleep until after 4 a.m.

I can't stop thinking.

And yet I'm awake and out of bed by 11 and not feeling too terrible.

I want my music.

(Imogen Heap, "Hide and Seek")

Around my head it goes, a magic melody...

2010-06-23T19:02:00.001-07:00

So I'm hanging out in the SOM because I figured I'd be spending enough time in my apartment tonight as it is.

I'm in the Foo Lounge and I can hear the summer term symphonic band playing. I wish more than almost anything that I could be a part of it. But I can't afford the credit, therefore I can't register for the class.

I miss being part of an ensemble. High school was awesome. I pulled out some of the music I saved from high school and played it while I was in the practice room. Those were good times. Those were happier times.

When I ran into Dr. Paul in the hallway, he said hi and asked how I was doing. I don't even think he knows my name. I've never taken a class from him. Still it was nice. It made me feel like I sort of belonged in the building.

Sigh...I want band back.

(ATC, "Around The World")

You never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb...

2010-06-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

I just want something to go right for once.

I want to be able to have a friendship that can turn into something more without things having to become awkward later on.

When you say "we're still friends," I want to believe you.

When I'm willing to understand you, preferring to have you instead of what the world defines as perfection, I just want to know it was worth it.

I want my friends back.

(Avenue Q, "There's a Fine, Fine Line")

I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry...

2010-06-23T04:08:00.000-07:00

The world must be coming to an end. I did, after all, use lyrics from an artist whom I absolutely can't stand. From her most painful, cliched song, no less.

However, I think it pretty much describes my role right now.

I'm always willing to listen, to provide a shoulder to cry on, to reassure you that everything's going to be ok.

The problem is, I don't think I'll ever be more than that to anyone.

I'm too good at being a good friend.

I guess I just really hate seeing the people I love and care about being hurt by people who they love and care about. They come to me because they have no other way to vent their hurt and frustration.

And I take that on. Willingly. Happily.

I just wish my life was more...balanced. That I can continue being the one people go to for help, but that I can also have something that doesn't go from a friendship to an awkward mixed signals situation.

I don't know if that will ever happen. Or if it even can.

But whatever. I need to go to sleep soon.

Here's to another day of what will likely be disappointment. Especially since I'm going to the SOM tomorrow for some much-needed chill time, which also happens to be the territory of the primary people who are making me sad at the moment.

Here goes nothing.

(Taylor Swift, "You Belong With Me")

There's nothing to see here, people, keep moving on...

2010-06-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

When faced with the choice between the risky, dangerous friendships and the people with perfect lives who look down on you for not having what they have...

I will choose danger.

Every. Time.

Sorry to those who I'm disappointing. I know you enjoyed having me as your bitch.

Cordially,
Nicole

(She Wants Revenge, "These Things")

They'll tar you and drag you through town...

2010-06-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

Blog coming soon.

I'm pissed.

At almost everyone.

Except Ashley, Danny and Alitia. You guys are amazing and I love you.

(Cake, "End of the Movie")

And if that day is not enough, maybe we can stay in touch...

2010-06-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

My room is strangely empty. Maybe a month ahead of time is a bit early to start packing, seeing as I'm moving about 150 feet away.

I'm craving company. And I wish I was comfortable enough with some people (i.e., thinking about them doesn't make me ill) to talk to them. Because there are quite a few people that I really miss.

I want a cuddle buddy. Bess and Brian are great at that, but still. It feels borrowed. Like, I get love from them all the time, but somehow it doesn't seem like it's completely mine.

I want to watch Braveheart. I want to make tea. I want to go for a walk. But it's too late to do any of that stuff tonight.

Sigh...it's going to be a long night.

(Arkarna, "So Little Time")

I love my sunny day, dream of far away, dreaming on my pillow in the morning...

2010-06-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

The rant I had planned might need to wait.

Because I'm in a pretty good mood right now.

And also, despite all of the crappy "friends" I've had in the past, I have some amazing ones right now.

And Call of Duty is awesome. :)

(Pilot, "Magic")

I will say, though...

2010-06-15T11:03:00.001-07:00

I am really liking the whole song lyrics as titles thing.

Thanks to Hollis for the idea, I hope you don't mind. :)

Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn? Don't I get a dream for myself?

2010-06-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

So, I'm definitely feeling another rant coming on.

But I really have to make it to the post office so I can get my books mailed by today.

So, it will have to wait until later.

But it will happen.

Because damn it. I'm frustrated right now.

("Rose's Turn", from the musical Gypsy)

A different tree now lines the streets, shaking its fists in the air...

2010-06-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

So yeah...

A bunch of my friends graduated today. I'm glad I got to see a couple of them, but sad that I didn't have a chance to see others.

I'm realizing, yet again, that I'm too nice to people who hurt me. Which sucks, because I don't think I can be friends with some of these people anymore.

I'm tired of friendships not working.

I need to pack.

I need a job.

I need to get the hell out of this apartment.

I need to get away and be alone.

(Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "People Ain't No Good")

Ode To The Nice Guys

2010-06-11T00:10:00.001-07:00

This is why I love StumbleUpon. Well, one of many, many reasons. But it's good reading, and very relevant to the culture we live in today. According to SU, this rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

Leo, I can't send you letters anymore...

2010-06-10T21:41:00.001-07:00

Whoa.

So I reread some of my recent blog posts, and I had to go back quite a ways before I found one that wasn't angsty.

Maybe it's because I haven't written in a while, but I found it sort of depressing. Especially because I feel that things have improved a bit since the last time I blogged.

Yes, I'm still irritated with certain people. Yes, things are still really frustrating, with school and life and money and all that crap. Maybe it's time to cut ties with a few people. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Wow, my life is full of maybes lately.

But at the same time, I've been pleasantly surprised by more than a few people, people who I didn't expect to be nice to me. People who I was originally at odds with.

It's kind of nice.

(Christina Robert, "Letters I Never Wrote") <-- one of my good friends from OMB! :)

Both now and in the years to be, a never-failing loyalty.

2010-05-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

So yeah, retreat pretty much exceeded my expectations.

Random children crashing the BBQ, lots of joking around, the traditional piñata and actually accomplishing some things made for a memorable afternoon.

And, possibly more significantly, I came away from this retreat with a renewed spirit. For the first time in a long time I truly felt happy to be a member of band council, and I'm excited for what we as a council and we as a band can and will accomplish this coming year.

Things may not be perfect, and some things may never change. But when everyone makes the most of what they're given, the results are often greater than the sum of the parts.

I can't wait for this year.

(John Stark Evans, composer, "Oregon Pledge Song")

to our love let all the jilted lovers cry

2010-05-28T01:02:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated, angry, upset, hurt, depressed, sad, enraged, betrayed and confused.

All at once.

Nothing is going right anymore. I have no clue what I'm going to do when I graduate in a couple years. I don't feel qualified to do anything. Hell, I'd probably miss out on working at McDonald's because that's how things go for me.

I'm officially out of opportunities to make something of myself in band. I'm on band council, but I'm pretty much a nobody there. I'm tired of certain people bitching at me all the time. And I can't talk to anyone about it because they'll automatically assume things that aren't accurate or even true. I've already pissed off one person tonight. I'm sure as hell not taking it up with Jake or Amanda. I guess my option is to just leave quietly. I probably won't even be missed.

And I'm tired of being the good friend and then having it backfire. Whether it's comforting someone in a time of emotional need or inviting a friend over so he isn't wandering the streets inebriated in the middle of the night, I thought I was doing what any good friend would. But then I get discarded.

I hate the world tonight. But I need to go to bed because I need to wake up early to work on a project, for which my group is meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow.

Screw comm law. Another thing for me to hate.

(Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "People Ain't No Good")

You stir up emotions in a blender, everything in disarray...

2010-05-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired of people hurting me.

I know that's part of life, and I even know that shit happens to a lot of people more often than it should.

But I'm having a hell of a time trying to figure out who my real friends are and who's just along for the ride while it's convenient, but then suddenly disappears when I need them.

Especially when some of them bounce back and forth between both categories by the day.

I want another tuba buddy hug. From either of them would be nice, although I know one of them is much more likely than the other, which at this point is nearly impossible.

But he's probably off doing something right now with someone else. Or sleeping. I hope he's sleeping.

My God I am paranoid.

Maybe this is why I don't deserve friends. I'm just too damn volatile.

Sigh...

(Sígur Rós, "Ara Batur/The Row Boat")

when there's nothing left.

2010-05-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

I've reached a point where people hurting me is normal and people being nice is a rarity.

Two years ago, I thought the best course of action for my personal happiness was to find someone as soon as possible. But at the moment, the mere idea of men makes me want to stab someone.

It starts by me wanting to be nice and helpful. A good friend. And ends with hurt and anger and confusion.

Effing tubas. They can burn in hell.

I didn't mean that. I'm just really angry right now.

I don't even know who my real friends are anymore. Too many people have taken advantage of me lately.

I need out of here.

maybe it's time for me to move on.

2010-05-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm running out of opportunities to stand out.
I feel doomed to a life of mediocrity and anonymity.

Maybe I should switch to tuba this year. I had planned to do it next year, but I'm quickly losing excitement for being in the baritone section. It could be fun. But it could also be a term of hell, which I want to avoid if it kills me.

Katie won't be happy. But maybe it's time I stopped pleasing other people.

Save the Molalla River Middle School Band and Choir!

2010-05-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

Check out this video by my cousin Kaila, a MRMS student and band member for three years.

Also check out this blog by the band, as well as this Facebook group created by Kaila.

I'm extremely impressed at the commitment these students have to this cause. Even though they're in middle school, they clearly care about their music programs, and it would be a shame to see these opportunities be taken away from them.

I hear the ticking of the clock, I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark...

2010-05-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

I want off this roller coaster. The ride's not fun anymore.
Every time it seems that things are finally going great, something ridiculous gets thrown into the mix to make things terrible again.
Like last night.

Last night was the campus band concert. It was bittersweet.
On the one hand, it was the culmination of eight weeks of work.
On the other hand...campus band's over now.
Until next year, a new year, a new term, with a new GTF to take the place of David Vickerman.
And I love campus band.
It's been the highlight of my week. It's what made Wednesday my favorite day of the week, even though it also happened to be the longest.
I'd leave my apartment at 9:40, knowing that I wouldn't see it again until after 10 that night.
But I also knew that whatever stress, whatever worry, whatever bad things had entered my life that week, could be set aside for two blessed hours while my friends and I got together and did what we love: making music.
Hell, I could get out of a particularly stressful gospel choir rehearsal and then just a half hour later everything would be good again, if only for a little while.

The concert was a magical moment.
We did our performance. We made mistakes, we might have been a little out of tune.
But as far as being completely and truly happy, it was perfect.
Afterward, I stuck around for Brass Ensemble.
When they played "Fanfare for the Common Man," I'm sure I stopped breathing.
I still can't listen to that piece without thinking of Mr. Elliott.
In my mind, that will always be his song.
Then they finished with Star Wars, and my feelings during that piece can only be described using inappropriate references.
So I'll just say it was amazing.

I got home late that night, checked my email and found my financial aid award letter.
I'm not getting nearly the same amount of money I got this year.
Taking into consideration tuition increases, I'm in about the same situation I was in last year.
Which means...I'm in over my head.
Now, in addition to completing 21 credits without crashing and burning during the next three weeks, I also have to search for jobs, save money and figure out how the hell I'm going to get through summer, let alone next year.
Shit.
I have no idea what I'm going to do.
I barely slept last night.
I'm barely going to sleep tonight.
I don't think I'll ever sleep again.

I wish I had someone to help me relax.
Unfortunately, I don't have a tuba buddy anymore. =(

I'm alone.

(Heart, "Alone")

I hate the world today.

2010-05-18T19:48:00.000-07:00

And I'm not completely sure why. The list of reasons could strangle an elephant.

Maybe I'll rant later.

(Meredith Brooks, "Bitch")

How can I get you alone?

2010-05-11T00:30:00.000-07:00

I know you told me to stop the deep thinking, because I do it way too much and it makes me feel like crap every time (and occasionally gets me into all kinds of trouble.)

But I need to do it now. A lot of it. And I wish I felt more comfortable talking to you so you can talk some sense into me. You never mince words, you never beat around the bush. You tell it like it is, even if it's what I don't want to hear. And ultimately I feel better because of it.

I'm apprehensive about marching band next year. On the one hand, I love it. It's the most fulfilling, enduring constant force in my life since I started college. It's kept me connected to the music that I love. I've met so many people through it. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of heartbreak on occasion, but in the end I keep coming back.

Although now I'm not so sure.

I'm running out of ideas for trying to make a positive contribution to the group. Being just a member of the band isn't enough, because I know I'm willing and able to make a greater, more meaningful contribution. Being on band council helps a little, although being just a member of the general assembly still feels like I'm being held back. But it's all I can do.

I tried to get into KKPsi at the suggestion of Bess, who joined BSU's chapter, and...didn't get a bid. I did, however, get a mass email last week from them seeking prospective members to be part of the gamma class. Um, no thanks. I'm not going to go through rush again so I can be rejected again. And I know I'm going to be rejected again, because I'm not close enough friends with anyone currently in the fraternity. Whatever.

So, what now? Other than the possibility of switching to tuba for my fifth year (which I REALLY want to do), I'm not sure what else I'm going to be able to do. The one thing that gave my college experience meaning is starting to fail me, to the point where I don't know where I belong anymore.

I need my tuba buddy back. I need to talk to him.

creativity strikes!

2010-05-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I have one of two "boring" classes each of four days of the school week. But with eight hours of essentially free thinking time, plus the time I spend hanging out in the SOM, that's a lot of hours to ponder creative possibilities.

I want to try so many things. I'm learning new instruments, trying to get better at photography, doodling in the margins of my notebook. I have neon-colored fabric spray paint waiting to be applied to a white T-shirt once I plan out a design. I've been wanting to try out some things in Photoshop. I want to make some videos set to some songs.

Once this term's over and I have less to stress out about, I think I'm in for an interesting time of exploration and creativity.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to be anymore, and that's scary.

2010-04-19T18:07:00.001-07:00

First off, you don't have to read this. I won't be mad if you don't. But I'm just putting things out in the open because I can't hold them in any longer. It's like I'm being torn apart from the inside out.

First off, it really pisses me off when I'm expected to keep secrets for people with the understanding that we're still friends, and then things change. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely open to hearing whatever problems you have, whatever's on your mind, and you can rest assured that I won't tell anyone else. But I'm tired of being strung along with the idea that we're friends, and then having shit happen to make things not ok, and then being blamed for the situation going wrong. There are a handful of you who already know about this situation.

Second, it's getting harder and harder to be home. This applies to any of the places I've called "home" this year. In the case of my "home" in Newberg, things are getting less and less stable as my stepdad prepares to sell the house and move up to Alaska, where my mom has been for the past three weeks. Once that happens, things are going to change drastically. And my parents don't seem to get it. My mom keeps trying to reassure me by telling me that I'm more than welcome to join them in Alaska after I graduate. (This is, of course, with the assumption that I'll be done with school by next June, which looks a lot more possible now than it did a month ago, but is still unlikely given the fact that I may end up changing majors -- still trying to figure out this decision. More on that below.) Of course, this is with their romanticized notion that a job's existence meand that I'm immediately qualified for it. Yes, I'm aware that there's a newspaper on Kodiak Island. No, that doesn't mean I'm going to be able to work there, or that I even want to -- I'm discovering more and more every day that I might not even want to have anything to do with newspaper writing anymore, thanks to Reporting 1 (aka the bane of my existence, worse than info hell, you get the picture.)

As for "home" here in Eugene, and I know a lot of people are going to respond to this with "What did I tell you?" but I'm finding out just how complicated living with a couple can be. Yes, there are clear benefits to this, the most visible one being a mere $230 in rent, which is almost unheard of for an apartment this nice, in a convenient location. But, the difficulties are starting to outweigh the benefits. I'm starting to solidify my conviction that people should not be acting "married" before they're actually married, or at the very minimum, engaged. Not dating. Not just "in a relationship." And all of the crap I've observed -- one person not being able to make decisions without consulting the other, the "Making Marriage Work" DVD that showed up in our living room one day -- is only strengthening my own desire for independence, which is a tough prospect considering I have "honey" this, "honey" that, mushy bullshit being rubbed in my face all the time.

And it's getting more and more clear that I'm more and more of the third wheel. At the beginning of the year, Brian and I had joint responsibility for the apartment. Legally, on paperwork, adding Bess's name to the lease should have only given her some responsibility as well, NOT shifted it so that Brian's in charge, with Bess as his "pseudo-wife" also in charge and me having no power in any situation and therefore being expected to follow Brian's rules. WHICH WILL NOT BE HAPPENING. I will move out before I get walked on. I'm his roommate, not his child.

While all this is going on, I'm still very much in the process of trying to figure out where I can fit in and thrive in the world. I don't stand out in any particular way. I'm not the person whom you can easily pick out of a crowd. Most people probably wouldn't notice if I just escaped to Alaska and never came back.

I'm discovering, as the year goes on, that I'm not cut out for journalism anymore. Even as sure as I was before I left high school -- so sure, in fact, that I declared my major and had my concentration pretty much set in stone before my freshman year at UO -- now I don't know. But it's too late to change now. I'm a junior in college. Any sort of change at this point would guarantee me another year or two of college, more if I were to pick one of the majors that takes a full four years to complete. So unless anyone has any insight, I'm pretty much stuck limping through another year of journalism, graduating somewhere in the middle of my class. And I don't have any sort of "thing" that would make me stand out from everyone else. I'm not good enough at what I do to pursue an internship, I can't write for an on-campus publication because interviewing scares the crap out of me, and I don't have any special skills. So, I'm basically trying to survive instead of being able to get as much as possible out of my time here.

I need to figure my life out. I need answers. I need to catch a break. Unfortunately, I don't have time for that last one.

LTD...I love you, but sometimes I wonder.

2010-04-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

This year, I'm fortunate enough to live on a bus line that serves the UO campus an average of two times an hour on school days, with up to five pickups outside my apartment complex during the "morning rush" hour of 9-10 a.m. and often with two buses making the 9:39 trip to campus -- the last one before my class starts at 10.

Figures, the day I have a midterm at 10 (meaning, I can't just miss class) is the day that the overflowing 9:39 bus, with its "Not In Service" sign glowing mockingly, passed by the stop at the corner of MLK at Kinsrow. The driver threw up his hands in defeat, like he couldn't believe it either, while still communicating the fact that unless we could make it to campus under our own power in less than 20 minutes, we were screwed.

The group of roughly 50 students, suddenly left without a ride to campus, sort of looked at each other and commented on the injustice of the situation. A few broke from the line and began walking to campus via the bike path that passes by Autzen Stadium. I went back to my apartment and retrieved my bike, and somehow I made it to campus, out of breath, with five minutes to spare.

In LTD's defense, they do a pretty good job considering the transit district is having a rough time economically. They've made service cuts year after year, with more routes on the chopping block for next year, including the Breeze shuttle which connects campus with Eugene Station, the 5th Street Public Market, the downtown post office and Valley River Center. At the same time, the ASUO, which pays LTD more than $100,000 per year (coming from student incidental fees), is faced with the dilemma of raising the I-fee to provide more money for this contract or keeping fees low enough for students to afford.

At the same time, I think there should be a special emphasis on certain routes frequented by students. Many students depend on the bus to get to school and around town. University students make up a significant portion of LTD's ridership, so every effort should be made to preserve and improve routes such as the 79x, which is the only reasonable transportation option for students living in the Harlow area who don't have cars.

Maybe this situation is what it takes to support the argument for better bus service for students.

More sweet photos!

2010-04-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

So, I did another shoot with my friend Ashlyn. This one was a concept shoot that she came up with in which whoever wanted to could come in, use a whiteboard to complete the phrase "Beauty/Happiness is..." and then use clothes/props to visually portray that idea. This project was stretched over several different shoots, in order to facilitate those who were interested but couldn't make it to a certain date.

Pics can be found here and here.

Enjoy!

Nicole

Team Coco

2010-04-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

So, last night I, along with my OMB friend Amanda, went to see Conan O'Brien perform at the Hult Center in downtown Eugene. The show last night was the first on Conan's "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television" tour.

Kristi Turnquist of The Oregonian wrote a pretty good article covering the show. I'll use this article as a basis for my own recap of the night.

The tour came about after Conan's 17-year career at NBC ended in January, when he left the network rather than give Jay Leno his time slot and push "The Tonight Show" back to 12:05 a.m. Among the conditions of his walk-away deal: Conan is legally restricted on how negatively he can talk about NBC, and he can't return to television until fall.

The aforementioned return became a reality the morning of the performance, when news broke that Conan had made a deal with TBS to have a late-night show starting in November.

The show included many classic elements from Conan's two previous late-night shows, including: Andy Richter, LaBamba and the band (minus Max Weinberg), the masturbating bear, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, "Walker Texas Ranger" (including a special guest handle-puller, Jack McBrayer from "30Rock"), and even a musical guest: Spoon, who had performed minutes before at the nearby McDonald Theatre.

Amanda and I got to the Hult around 7:45 p.m., 15 minutes before the show was scheduled to begin. The lobby was packed. After purchasing a white shirt emblazoned with "Team Coco" in orange and dark gray lettering, I entered the hall just in time to see a guy with a giant Afro going crazy with his own unique mix of voice changing, beatboxing and plenty of explicit, raunchy lyrics. Although I didn't catch his name, the Oregonian article identified the performer as Reggie Watts, who has previously performed at the Portland Institute for Contemporary Art TBA Festival.

A short intermission followed Watts. Then, the lights went down and Richter's voice made several crazy announcements. Then, the lights came up, and the band started playing and walking through the audience. The sellout crowd went nuts.

On a giant video screen above the stage, a video began to play. In it, Conan, with overgrown hair and a huge gut (reminiscent of the "strike beard", only more ridiculous), moped around the house until he got a call about a 32-city national tour. "Am I in shape? ... Yes I am!" Then followed a montage of Conan cleaning up and working out, and the video finished with him looking into the camera and saying "I'm ready. Let's do this!"

Then Conan came out. He looked pretty good, although I'm not a huge fan of the beard. The audience got to its feet, clapping, cheering and chanting his name.

He opened by welcoming the audience and announcing that he has a new job. He said starting tomorrow "I'll be the assistant manager at the Eugene Banana Republic." He asked how people felt about his beard, adding that some people think he looks like "Paul Bunyan with an eating disorder." This tour, he continued, is a "huge milestone for me," because "believe it or not, this is the first time anybody's ever paid to see me."

All of the time off, he said, allowed him to reflect and take a good look at himself. He also said he went to therapy and learned "The Five Stages of Grief Over Losing Your Talk Show," starting with denial, proceeding to "Blame Myself" and "Blame Everyone Around Me," and finally, pull yourself together and "Get your ass to Eugene, Oregon."

About halfway through the show, Conan announced that the tour needed a "wow moment" and introduced "the inflatable bat from Meatloaf's 'Bat Out of Hell' tour." After the giant bat was fully inflated and towering over the stage, Andy and Conan commented. "Look at the teeth," Conan said, in dismay, about the colored triangles that were supposed to be fangs. "It's like a used-car lot," Andy said. "That's the least threatening bat I've ever seen!" Conan added.

Another highlight was when Conan announced that he wanted to have "an intimate conversation" with the audience of more than 2,000 people. Conan would say something, and the audience responded by reading, in unison, lines shown on the video board. This resulted in Conan walking over to LaBamba and licking his face passionately, to the delight of the audience.

Near the end of the show, Conan thanked his fans for all their support, and played a cover of Cake's version of "I Will Survive." The show ended with an encore, during which Conan walked out into the audience and interacted with his fans. Four giant, bright yellow beach balls were thrown out into the audience, and it ended like one giant party.

It was, quite possibly, the best Monday night I had ever had during a school year.

everybody's watching, everybody's looking...

2010-04-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

I can't stand not being able to be friends with him. Well...I guess we're still friends, but...like, I want real friendship, the kind where I'm not afraid to talk to him.

Communication is important, and right now we're not communicating.

I want clarification. I want reassurance. I want one of your big bear hugs. I want to snuggle and watch 24 without a care in the world other than the fact that I'm with one of my best friends.

I want my buddy back.

(The Juliana Hatfield 5, "Spin The Bottle")

Random inspiration strikes again. Slash, I think I feel a series coming on.

2010-04-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning (well, this afternoon...oops) to a non-functioning internet connection. After unplugging the modem several times, restarting my computer, all that fun stuff, I concluded that it wasn't gonna work for me anytime soon.

However, I still needed to do homework, so I packed up my stuff and headed over to campus to chill in the School of Music for a while.

Anyone who knows me reasonably well knows that I am a HUGE fan of the building that houses the University of Oregon School of Music. Built in the 1920s, the building recently underwent an extensive expansion/renovation project that resulted in the addition of two new wings (and increasing the size of the building by 50 percent) and the updating of existing facilities. Along with all the new amenities such as a spacious courtyard, student lounge, practice room suite, symphony-size rehearsal room and more, one of the main reasons I love this building has to be the atmosphere.

The lounge is a wonderful place to study or do homework because it's quieter than more public places such as the EMU, yet not as eerily silent as the Knight Library (which I've always found to be too quiet.) In addition, due to my involvement with the Oregon Marching Band, I rarely make a visit to the SOM without seeing at least a few friends, which adds that extra bit of happiness to my day. :) And there's usually at least a few people practicing at almost all times (the building is open Monday-Friday 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. and Saturday-Sunday 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. for all students and community members, and 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. for music majors only) which adds just the right amount of background noise.

As strong as my love affair with the music building is, it's just one of a few place on campus that I feel deserve special recognition for being awesome. So I'm thinking about starting a short series of blogs in which I highlight my favorite places on the UO campus.

I leave you with a question: Have you hugged a musician today? (Screwing a musician is optional. :P)

Tonight = WIN.

2010-04-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

So, as promised...

After a series of complications involving both Katie's car and Josh's truck breaking down in the same afternoon, Katie picked me up. She instructed us not to speak to her because she was the chauffeur...except it was sort of hard to forget she was there when she also demonstrated very taxi driver-like driving skills.

And then...we went to the Olive Garden for dinner and talked a bunch, and then had to wait a little longer because Katie was taking a shower, Josh was on his way to pick us up and it was cold outside so we didn't want to wait. However, there was a line so eventually we had to get up from the table, and we just sort of hung out inside the door. Josh arrived, and he did a much better job of playing the silent taxi driver than Katie...

All in all, a good night. :)

I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a GOOD night, that toNIGHT'S gonna be a GOOD GOOD Ni-i-ight.

2010-04-03T16:12:00.001-07:00

And...I can think the wonderful Katie Kinney for this one, haha.

So...Katie set me up on this blind...ish date with one of her friends who goes to OSU. I say blindish because he randomly messaged me on Facebook one day last week and we talked a little, although he didn't friend me yet because he didn't want Katie to know that he was kind of cheating the whole "blind" aspect of it.

I hope it'll be fun. I've never actually been on a real date before...Chase never really did that, and since then I haven't had more than random hanging out with male friends that turned ugly. :( So this could be interesting.

I'll post again later with what went down.

This is absolutely appalling.

2010-03-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

It's people like this who truly give Christianity a bad name. These people are brainwashing these young children, who will likely have lifelong emotional and psychological difficulties as a result. It's really sad. These people are just sick and twisted.

The above clip is from the 2006 documentary "Jesus Camp" which follows a group of young children attending the Kids On Fire Summer Camp, a Pentecostal summer camp run by Becky Fischer. Since the film's release, the camp was shut down indefinitely.

Men will not control me.

2010-03-28T23:34:00.000-07:00

I've thought a lot about what I want out of life. And with men on my mind quite often as of late, I've reaffirmed several values that I will NEVER compromise under any circumstances.

I WILL NOT be subservient to men. I believe women exist to complement the existence of men, not to be pushed around by them. I've seen too many instances in relationships around me, including that between my two roommates, where neither person can do ANYTHING without consulting the other. And I've decided that I never, ever want my life to be like that.

A radical stance? Perhaps. But if radical stances didn't exist, we'd still be living under rocks.

It really hit me a few months ago when Bess realized, as she was cooking dinner for Brian (aka her "honey," the most disgusting pet name of them all) so it would be ready when he got home from work, that she's turning into a housewife. Keep in mind that they're in a relationship, not married, not even engaged. This is the trap that so many women find themselves falling into. And I never want that to happen to me.

I'm sure many people will object to my thoughts, saying that "that's what love is supposed to be like" and "you should be excited about pleasing your partner." And to that I say: Bull. Shit.

There's my rant for the night.

melancholy

2010-03-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

I reread through some old blogs tonight.

Some of them made me feel ill because they were directed toward people who are now among my best friends. However, at the time they were full of anger, full of hate, particularly toward one guy in particular.

Now, though, I realize that while I was angry with him at the time, it didn't stop him from making it up to me by being there when I needed him most. When another friend hurt me very deeply, he was there with hugs and comfort.

I was angry because he was dating one of our mutual friends, after leading me on unintentionally and before I had completely turned away from him. Now, I realize that even though that fact is part of the current situation, that doesn't change a thing about our friendship.

And after a conversation with the aforementioned mutual friend, I realized even more just how much of a genuine, sweet, caring, selfless person he really is. Any girl would be lucky to have him.

He's one of the best friends I ever had, and I'm glad he's happy.

Now, though, I'm more lost than ever. Still so many unsolved problems with so many other people. I'm tempted to just give up while I'm behind.

Gah. It's almost 2:30 a.m. I need sleep. More later. I have a feeling these are going to get a lot more frequent and emotional.

thoughts

2010-03-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

It's the last night of spring break. A vacation from school that for me, lasted two weeks.
I got tons of time off.
And yet I still don't feel quite prepared to go back.

There's so much change happening all at once.
Mom's in Alaska.
Matt's getting ready to sell the house. Soon, I won't have a "home" anywhere nearby.
Well, there's my apartment in Eugene.
But when I go "home," it won't be home.
It will probably end up being to my grandparents' or some other relative.
Which is nice. It just isn't quite the same.

Everyone around me seems to be hooking up with people, getting engaged, getting married.
I'm still single as ever.
Not only that, but I'm afraid I'll never know what love is like.
Real, romantic love.
The kind where you're so deliriously happy just being with another person.
You can't picture yourself without that special someone in your life.
Sure, people have come into my life. I've become friends with them.
I've had long conversations, lots of hugs and comfort as I've let them into my soul.
But as soon as I have any sort of thought that maybe things could go further, things go horribly wrong and I'm left out in the cold, another friend gone for good.

Why am I so hopelessly bad at this?
Everyone else seems to be just fine.
But something about me seems to keep people as far away as they can possibly get.
Which leaves no chance for anyone new to come along.

I've been told that this time of my life, when I'm not attached to someone, should be the happiest, most carefree time of my life.
It's supposed to be a time for exploration and growth, a time to shop around and find out what exactly I'm looking for.
Instead, I'm lonely all the time.
And I'm scared that that's how things are going to be for the rest of my life.

20 randoms.

2010-03-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

1. I love driving a lot more than I should. Crazy, considering I sucked at it until this week. I guess being in a car that's both easy to drive and cute as hell makes a difference.

2. One of my personal pet peeves is sock feet. I'm either wearing shoes, wearing slippers or barefoot. Don't ask me why.

3. I have an awesome hat collection, including a sombrero, a rice picker hat and a baseball cap that looks like it could have been plucked from the wardrobe for "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

4. I won that last hat by drinking lots of Mountain Dew.

5. Dollar Tree does for me in Newberg what the Green Acres Goodwill does for me in Eugene. Retail therapy with minimal guilt.

6. As of this afternoon, I have family living in the U.S. as far south as Surprise, AZ and as far north as Kodiak Island, AK.

7. Upon consulting Google Maps, I have found that my mom is not on the island in Alaska where she could throw a rock and hit Russia. She could, however, throw a rock the other way and hit Canada.

8. Clearly, I haven't taken a U.S. geography class since middle school...

9. I'm thinking about embracing my artistic side again. It's been a while, and I've gotten more and more frustrated with school. Maybe I'll paint a mug when I go back to Eugene.

10. I wish I had the space to just bring home random pieces of furniture from garage sales and Goodwill and make them my own with a few coats of paint. As it is, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the recliner couch/loveseat set we have upstairs that I want.

11. Next instrument on my wish list to learn how to play: trombone.

12. I also wish I was big enough to play tuba.

13. I draw inspiration for random creative projects from all kinds of sources. I wish I had the kind of scheduling flexibility and financial resources to pursue a lot of them.

14. I want to find my soul mate. Within the next four years or so would be tight.

15. My three top choices for a theme room are: shrine to all that embodies the Oregon Ducks, bold colors/tropical/Hawaiian, black/white/sky blue/frosted silver/stainless steel. If I could get them all into one house I'd be happy.

16. I love plants, but I get way too distracted to remember to take care of them.

17. I love collecting quotations, both by famous people and by my friends. I want to make a quote wall.

18. I love packing. It's one of my favorite parts of both traveling and moving. My least favorite would have to be actually leaving a place I've grown to love.

19. I'm not generally a huge fan of flavored water. I do, however, love strawberry-kiwi and grape Propel, and XXX Vitamin Water.

20. I have a huge collection of bath goodies, such as bath fizzes, salts, oil beads, bubble bath, etc. I need to take more baths.

there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

2010-03-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Three weeks ago, I felt completely lost and hopeless for this term, for this year, for my college career.

Now, with week 10 done as far as classes go, and this term pretty much wrapped up save for one project, I'm in a far better, happier and relaxed situation. And the project, which I had worried about because my grade for the class really does hinge on this one assignment, now seems very feasible. It's organized, I have a plan to accomplish all of the requirements...hell, I might even get a good grade on it.

And...I'm considering a couple different options for minors.

I just feel very...motivated. :) Which I haven't felt for a while. It's nice to have that feeling back.

interesting sighting

2010-03-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday as I was getting food between Reporting 1 and BA 101, I saw a couple of tables outside the EMU amphitheater. Students for Choice and a table that I'm guessing was supposed to oppose the death penalty.

Interesting concept. It's ok to kill fetuses that have done nothing wrong, but we don't think twice about allowing people who have committed heinous crimes (murder, serial rape and the like) to continue on to hurt more people.

I'm not trying to start an argument, or necessarily open this up as a forum for debate. I just thought it was interesting.

I love my friends.

2010-03-07T17:25:00.001-08:00

You all probably know that I've been on a huge emotional roller coaster the past couple of weeks. Everything -- friendships, school stuff, family stuff, low self-esteem and other stuff -- have taken a huge toll on my happiness lately. Some people have all but abandoned me for it. But it's you guys, who have stuck by me when I really needed it without writing off my needs as "trivial" or unimportant, who I am honored to call my real friends. Sometimes it doesn't take a huge gesture to say a lot. Sometimes all I need is a hug, some company or a listening ear. You guys have given me that and a lot more. Even saying hi when we see each other means more than most people realize.

One of the biggest things this experience has taught me is that there are tons of people all around me who care, and I regret not realizing that earlier. Some of you I've known for a while. Some for only a couple of years. Some for only a week (we really should make up for that, Sierra. Lol.) But I hadn't known just how many people were concerned about me, and how many were willing to really be the friends I needed at the time, and all the time.

Thank you guys from the bottom of my still-aching heart. I really, truly love each and every one of you.

This blog entry is dedicated to:
Alitia Monasmith
Andrew Clark
Ashley Flock
Ashlyn Gehrett
Becky Thomson
Bess Oliver
Brian Tompkins
Cameron Jerde
Claire McLeod
Danny Hoover
Josh Shere
Kallen Dewey
Katie Kinney
Katie Nash
Kurt Mehlenbacher
Mackenzie Studebaker
Melissa Underhill
Monica Droker
Scott Klinn
Sierra Johnson
Spencer Krutzler

spring. break.

2010-03-01T13:05:00.001-08:00

Thanks to the fortunate circumstance of having three classes, none of which have exams scheduled during finals week, I have roughly two full weeks of spring break.

Tentatively, the plan is for me to spend parts of the time in Newberg, Eugene, Salem and Central Point.

During the first week, I'm thinking about going home to Newberg to go through the stuff I left home, make a Goodwill donation run, and pack everything else up to go back to Eugene, where I'll figure out where to store it all.

I also plan on going up to Salem to visit my dad and possibly redeem my vast collection of Chuck E. Cheese tickets. :) yeah, I'm such a mature adult lol. And of course, I plan to make a long-overdue and very much needed trip to Central Point to see Alitia.

It's gonna be busy. And then I'm going to go back to Eugene and take 21-22ish credits.

I'm tired just thinking about it.

Sigh.

2010-02-28T01:22:00.001-08:00

So, apparently my mom accepted a job offer in Alaska. Tentatively, the plan is for her to fly down March 17 and start work on March 22, and for Matt to follow in June after Abi graduates and the house gets sold. Which means I have one week during spring break to move all my stuff from Newberg to Eugene...plus see my mom for the last time for a really long time.

This is depressing. I need sleep.

2010-02-04T18:58:00.001-08:00

Pictures from band prom...

2010-01-24T22:32:00.001-08:00

...can be found here.

Some of my favorites from Manhattan Beach :)

2010-01-15T00:02:00.000-08:00

Beautiful apartments.

The first view of the pier...and the ocean!

Lifeguard cars.

Surfer!

Ashley could sell Drumsticks.

Yay!

Ashley next to a palm tree.

Another really cool looking tree.

Clickin'

2010-01-14T23:49:00.000-08:00

Random recent pictures.

Close-up of the mug I got at Disneyland.

The angel Alitia made me for Christmas last year.

Just some of my many pairs of earrings.

My phone...always within arm's reach.

Close-up of a green vase I got at Value Village.

My lantern.

The most epic sandwich I've ever seen. Credits: Bess for modeling, Brian for making this amazing culinary masterpiece.

Oregon Basketball: A Field Guide

2010-01-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

The Student Section:
You can generally spot these creatures lurking outside doors 7 and 8 of Mac Court up to two hours before the doors even open. Clad in yellow shirts and hyped up on adrenaline and alcohol, they enter the arena ready to give all spectators the Game Day Experience and uphold Mac Court's reputation as one of the worst places for opposing teams to play. In unison, their chants of "OOOOOOOOOOOOO", "Air Ball" and clapping along with the fight song and Dr. Who create a sense of unity that can be found few other places on campus. They support the team through the good times and the bad. --dedicated to the Insane-O's, Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity and Isaac Rosenthal.

The Team:
Unfortunately, due to a poor decision on the part of Oregon Athletics of hiring someone who kicks ass at recruiting but can't coach a team to win if his life depended on it, the Ducks really aren't looking so hot this year. However, they are still a collection of talented athletes who could do great things with the right direction. --dedicated to Tajuan Porter because he's short

Ernie Kent:
Screw him.

The Daisy Ducks:
A group of wonderful ladies who serve as the boosters for Oregon athletic teams. The OMB loves them because they bake yummy treats for us for away trips. During basketball games they sell bingo cards. It's pretty much the best part of halftime. --dedicated to that one lady who sold me a bingo card today

The Oregon Basketball Band:
This group of musicians is a small portion of the Oregon Marching Band who performs the music at all the games. However, they don't start their musical duties until winter term (the Green and Yellow Garter Bands, aka GaYGB, trade off gigs during the exhibition and non-conference games that take place during fall term and winter break), which is why several members of the student section were confused as to why the band suddenly got so big. They play a wider variety of music than the OMB (thank God) and only make Mac Court that much louder and more intimidating. In addition, they make signs and yell crap at the opposing team in an attempt to make them miss shots. They're pretty much awesome. --dedicated to Nathan Stokes, the OBB Trumpet Section and a couple of the trombones

The Cheerleaders:
They dance to whatever the band plays.

Puddles (the Duck mascot):
He walks around Mac Court and does things to entertain the crowd. He will steal your popcorn, dance like a gangsta, do crazy things with the cheerleaders and pose for pictures with your kids. Plus he plays drums, although that's rarely seen this time of year. He's also pretty cool. --dedicated to Mikey Navarro

CMS:
They walk around and make sure that no one enters without a ticket, no one brings bottle-like weapons, no one takes flash pictures, no one stands on the benches, no one blocks the walkway...etc. Other than that, they're pretty chill. Also, they know certain people in the Pit Crew on a first-name basis. --dedicated to that lady who loves Isaac for some reason

The Enterprising Reporters:
They sit up in the 100-level on their laptops and post constant Twitter updates on behalf of the ODE. Because that's journalism. --dedicated to Robert Husseman

The Audio Technicians (aka Popcorn Buddies):
They sit up in the 100-level, play on the computer and share popcorn with each other. Mostly, it's a really boring job. They run the reader board and play canned music while the team is warming up and before the band starts playing. But most of the time, they sit there with glazed expressions and wish the game was over already so they can go home. --dedicated to Josh Shere and whoever his popcorn buddy is

:) :) :)

2010-01-14T20:20:00.001-08:00

Tonight was the worst basketball game I've ever seen played at Mac Court. Something needs to change, or we're in for a really, REALLY frustrating season.

However, it wasn't a bad night otherwise. I sort of fixed a situation I was having with someone, and Pit Crew was a blast as usual.

I am loving the happy right now. :)

all-american reject...

2010-01-09T23:34:00.000-08:00

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past few years, if you're even a little bit close to me you know that I am in no way a stranger to problems when it comes to relationships, if not my own, then those of my close friends. Often, the two coincide.

For example, while I'm still trying to deal with a close friend leading me on and then dating a mutual friend, another one of my friends is in his apartment right now, sulking with a beer bottle because he messed things up with a girl he really likes. He told her he was going to ask her to band prom, and she said she wasn't planning on going. Which apparently is a "massive setback."

So I texted him to try and comfort him, like any good friend would do. Because really, that's all I can do. I've gotten so much practice at the "good friend" thing -- despite what people in my family insist on believing; they seem to be married to the idea that I'm a heartless bitch -- that I feel like a professional. I give advice and hugs like they're going out of style.

But in the end, it seems like I'm going to end up being just that, nothing more than a good friend.

Break away from everybody. Break away from everything.

2010-01-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of people hurting me, over and over again. In the past few months I've lost a few friends because apparently I'm "too depressed." It's not something I can easily control or stop, as much as you'd like to daydream that that's possible.

And when you lead me on for months at a time, then suddenly stop hanging out with me completely, and then I have to find out on Facebook that you're going out with one of the people who I trusted with my heart and soul when I was trying to figure my life out just so I could function, it really pisses me off. And doesn't really help with the whole depression thing. Continually telling me that it's all my fault really isn't helpful either.

I constantly feel like I'm being shafted by the entire world. I've been alone in the world, searching for someone special for a year and a half after being jilted by yet another good friend. I'm not into dating or hooking up with people because I want to preserve myself as a valuable gift to the one person who I will finally give my heart to for good...hopefully.

However, as everyone around me finds happiness, it constantly seems like my shelf life is running out. And once it does...I'll go from valuable gift to unwanted sketchy clearance item just like that.

You used to be one of my best friends. I trusted you so much. I gave you second and third chances because you seemed so honest in confessing when you messed up. Now, I can't even watch Anchorman anymore because of that stupid song you posted on her wall.

This just hurts way too much. I can't be friends with you anymore. Not right now. Maybe not ever.

Goodbye.

Fun with friends!

2009-12-08T17:09:00.001-08:00

One of my best friends, Alitia, came up to Eugene from Central Point for the weekend. She hadn't seen us since FOB -- a weekend when both Ashley and I were super busy with OMB stuff -- and there wasn't a football game this weekend because the Ducks had beaten the Beavers in the Civil War the previous Thursday. It ended up being really good timing too; she and her boyfriend for almost two years had broken up recently, and Saturday would have been their two-year anniversary (aka a day she really didn't want to spend alone, or near him...) So, she came up Friday night, and merriment ensued.

Friday, she joined me and a bunch of friends (both people she knew from OMB last year and some amazing new friends) for tailgating. Traditionally we do this the night before home football games, but Thursday's game would have put tailgating on the Wednesday night of dead week -- very few people would have been out and about at the bars and stuff, and we would have angered more people than we would have entertained. So...we rallied on Friday to celebrate the Ducks' victory over the Beavers and the trip to the Rose Bowl! Also, Brian got to come finally because he didn't have to work until the next day, and he borrowed some of my 'gating attire.

After tailgating, we got a yummy late-night dinner at Dough Co. and then went to the Walmart parking lot to eat and then walk around for a bit in the store. We finished eating, Alitia reminded me to lock the front door, we walked about 10 feet from the car, and...Alitia realized that she had left her keys in the ignition. So, our casual stroll through Walmart ended up turning into a frantic search for wire coat hangers and duct tape. About 45 minutes of freezing cold weather and hard work later, we had successfully broken into Alitia's car and were on our way back to my apartment.

Saturday was a nice, relaxed day. We both slept in because we were so tired from the night before, then hung out in my warm apartment while we waited for Ashley to get off work, retrieve her boyfriend Danny and come over. Once we met up, we went to Goodwill, where we managed to find some cheap Duck game attire for Alitia, who until that point had been limited to OMB gear. Then, we went to Jamba Juice and Taco Bell (two of our favorite foody places to go) and then to Valley River Center to kill time until 9:30ish when we had planned to pick up Chase and Adam. We found some good sales, I managed to get a few more people checked off my Christmas list and we took some funny pictures in the photo booth.

Then the craziness started.

We picked up Chase and Adam and went to Strike City for cosmic bowling. Alitia took a bunch of pictures to document the occasion, and as it got later and later we got more and more silly...
After bowling we went to Shari's, where we continued to decline as far as self-control goes.

All in all, the weekend was a huge success. I got to see people I hadn't seen in a long time and Alitia said that she couldn't have asked for a better day. :)

I guess sleeping isn't an option tonight.

2009-11-21T05:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, my mind and I just don't get along.

Case in point: tonight. Or this morning, rather. Right now it's just after 5 a.m. Saturday. I should be sleeping. I want to be sleeping. But apparently my mind has other plans tonight. It wants to remind me of all the things I've done to unintentionally hurt my friends, all the situations I've made awkward just by being present, all the reasons why, no matter how much I want to just lay all my feelings and problems out in front of someone for no other reason than to just get it, I can't because it will either get me in trouble or ruin my friendship with the other person.

Lots of aspects of my life are still very uncertain, and that scares me to death. I still have no clear idea of what I want to do in a year and a half (ish) when it's time for me to leave UO. I don't know where I want to live, or where I'll be able to afford to live. I'm worried about the economy, and how it's very likely that, especially in my chosen field, I'll start having to pay back the crap ton of student loans I have long before I have a secure job. I'm losing confidence in the one thing I thought I would be good at and enjoy.

But above all of those other things, the one thing that's been weighing on my mind the most lately is love, or rather, the apparent shortage of it anywhere in my near and even not-so-near future. This is also one of those things I can't really discuss with anyone, even the people who are the closest to me, without having them rehash, over and over again, how it's all in my head, how I'll only be lonely forever if I let it happen, how there are more important things in life, how I should stay positive because of all the other good things in my life, on and on and on. And I know that what they're saying makes sense.

At the same time though, for reasons I can't even begin to comprehend, it seems like everyone else I know has their lives all put together. One of the reasons I honestly can't stand being in Newberg anymore is because of the whole climate of "oh, our families have known each other forever and we've been best friends since the day we were born and now let's get married less than a year out of high school and have adorable children and on and on and on." Because that's just the way it is. In the two and a half years since I graduated from Newberg High School, at least 10 percent of all the girls in my graduating class and the one after it are engaged. A lot of them are married. Some of them even have kids.

Meanwhile, I'm out in the middle of nowhere. I've dated and been dumped by a total of one person in my entire life, and I met him in college; he wasn't someone I've known since birth and dated since middle school. I've never known any sort of romantic love, and after a year and a half with no one even on the horizon, it's not looking like I will anytime soon. And I know a ton of people would argue with this if they even bothered to read my blog, but I constantly feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't find love until they're too old. I know people would instantly point out that I'm "only 20" and I "have a lot of time left" and "one bad relationship shouldn't be the end of the world," but when pretty much everyone else I know is at least committed to someone, or was when they were my age, it feels like it's only a matter of time before it's automatically game over, sorry, you lose.

And I know this sounds ridiculous, and I've mentioned it before, but I'm starting to wonder whether I should just give up. Not necessarily just because I don't think I'm worth it, but because I'm not sure which of my options will get me in trouble and which will actually help. If I actively look for people, I look desperate. If I start making a bunch of friends with guys and then constantly monitor the friendship to see if there's any hint of anything more, I feel like a creeper, drive myself to insanity and ruin the friendship. If I just give up, people judge me for that too. There's absolutely no way to win here, and a variety of ways to lose.

At this point, I'm even going so far as to view any sort of attraction to anyone as a red flag, and then using all available energy and willpower to keep myself in as much of a neutral, apathetic state as possible. But then that has the potential of me looking like an asshole who doesn't care. And I'm friends with these people, so I need to care. And I want to care. And so I try to care. But at the same time I'm constantly trying to maintain a balance of caring but not to the point where I get too close.

And emotional distancing is such a hard thing when you're good friends with someone, to the point where you would go to the ends of the earth for them, not out of obsession, but simply because you care deeply about them. Especially when you know that even one misinterpreted action could ruin a friendship forever, because any sort of feeling other than platonic friendship is not ok and will never be ok.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless and lost. But at the same time, I have to stay positive because that's what my friends and everyone else wants. Which means I have nowhere to vent, other than a crappy blog that no one reads. Which might be a good thing. Although it really doesn't help much.

I thought sleeping would help take my mind off the problem, at least for tonight. I guess that wasn't an options, seeing as it's 6 a.m., I have yet to sleep and I still feel miserable. Maybe I should just give up on that possibility for tonight and try again in vain in 18 hours...

Fun with my phone!

2009-11-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

aka fighting boredom at Mac Court.

Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends!

2009-11-09T01:31:00.001-08:00

The following is a dedication to some of the best friends I've known. I love all of you!

Brian Tompkins: We've known each other since elementary school, which makes you my oldest friend. However, it wasn't until high school that we finally started actually hanging out together, and I guess we can thank both band and Bess for that. :) Therefore, it seemed natural that when you finally came to Eugene after two years at PCC, we would room together. Although the beginning was a little rough -- partly because we were still adjusting to each other's idiosyncrasies and pet peeves, and partly because I was going through a lot of frustration about a variety of things -- I'm really glad that for the most part we worked things out. :)

Bess Oliver: Ever since I decided that day in CARE to hang out with you and read in the gym instead of playing games, I had a feeling that year wouldn't be the last we saw of each other, which made the ensuing (and totally bogus) time out well worth it. Unfortunately, you moved, and so our paths diverged until your freshman year of high school, when we reunited in football pep band. That year, basketball pep band was even better than it was my freshman year because for the first time I actually had someone to talk to and hang out with...plus it eventually led you to Brian. :) Since then we've only gotten closer and closer, which I've appreciated a ton, especially immediately after the whole incident in July 2008...which we will not speak of. I can't wait for you to come down here!

Claire McLeod: Although I haven't known you nearly as long as some of my other friends, I still consider you to be one of my best friends. You've been the voice of reason many times, while at the same time you can be shockingly dirty -- which in my opinion is the perfect combination. From Advanced Human Bio to the pre-prom limo orgy to your bachelorette party and wedding, we've had a bunch of fun times, and hopefully there are more in the future!

Ashley Flock: I first became aware of your existence when Chase mentioned you sometime in winter of my freshman year at UO. Not long after that, we came to Sheldon to play in the pep band. One of my favorite things about that night was that even though I wasn't a student and had in fact never attended that school, I still felt right at home with you and your friends in the clarinet section. And I had a feeling we were going to be awesome friends. I've loved all the crazy epic adventures we've had in the past couple years, and am really happy we were able to sort things out after last winter and get back to having fun!

Alitia Monasmith: My Mormon. :) When you, Ashley and I get together it's never dull. Case in point: New Year's Eve in Sacramento on the way back from the Holiday Bowl trip, and the Mad Libs on the bus. Even with all that went on, I still count that among my favorite memories. Also, you accidentally saying "c*cksucker" was pretty funny, mostly because I would have never expected it. Although your time in Eugene was cut short, know that you are missed a ton. You've been there for me through some of my darkest times, and I'm really happy that I've been able to help you out as well. Come back soon and we can bang some sticks!

Josh Shere: You're one of my newest best friends, but every day I keep wondering, where the hell have you been the past few years? And the answer to that would probably be: mixed in with the drumline, which I was convinced only had a bunch of dbags. Little did I know that there were nice people too. However, I think you randomly stalked me on Facebook one day and we started talking, and then you tailgated with us before the WSU game, and from there we started hanging out more. But it's a lot deeper than that; you've also been online at 4 a.m. when I needed to talk, you've texted back and forth for indecent amounts of time in order to set me straight when I was having an off day emotionally, and you give awesome hugs. Basically, you're up there with people I've known forever like Bess and Brian, a feat you managed to accomplish in five months, probably by magic or something. Anyway, you're one of the awesomest people I know, evidenced by the fact that you're on this list. And also, 211 really isn't that hard to play.

Hey! Pachuco!

2009-11-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

Finally, things seem to be falling into place.

The people who I call my friends have been and continue to be the most amazing people I've ever known. And I find new friends where I least expect them to be.

With the exception of a few people who will probably always rub me the wrong way, marching band is a truly awesome experience. Even during band camp, I was wondering if I had made a mistake by wanting to switch from clarinet to euphonium -- prior to this year I had never played a brass instrument in my life -- and as a result, I contemplated quitting band because I knew there was no way I could ever feel comfortable in the clarinet section again. However, as the season progresses, I continue to get better and more confident on my horn, and even though I will probably never reach the level of most of the rest of my section, I've finally found something about marching band that I genuinely enjoy, and to me that's enough.

Things are becoming more stable on the friendship front. I've fixed friendships with most of the people I hurt last year, and those who still hold a grudge against me for whatever reason are not central to my life anymore; they've moved to the outer fringe where I can push them out of my mind a lot more easily. I've also met several new people, as well as some others who I wish I would have known earlier, and they've quickly become trusted friends.

Work, although fun, was initially stressful. I continue to get criticism and direction almost every day. However, I'm learning to look at such things as a desire on the part of the more experienced workers to help me do my job better. And I think I'm doing better as time goes on, so yay for improvement! Another plus: I feel a lot more connected to the kids than I did even a month ago. While at first they didn't even remember my name, now they hug me, draw me pictures and want me to sit by them in the circle. :)

So yeah. That's just a snippet of what's been going on lately. This is also an attempt to try and revive my poor blog that has been ignored a bit as of late...

Pic-tarrrrrrrrs.

2009-11-02T23:23:00.000-08:00

The entire stadium storms the field after an epic 47-20 demolition of USC.

One of the trees near Autzen.

Cool shadows on the side of one of the art buildings.

The presence of Oregon's craziest student fans memorialized on the South Gate.

A portal to another dimension.

Creepy spider.

Urban farm?

Sunflowers in the Urban Farm.

The Millrace.

dUckbOy made it onto the cover of two student publications simultaneously. The Commentator shows him being sodomized by Scrooge's cane to illustrate a story about the problems with the online student ticketing system, while the ODE did a feature story about the Insane-O's in its Game Day section.

Mac Court as seen from the 300 level. Section 10, aka "The Pit," is the green and yellow bleachers on the right.

Another lifelong dream, realized. Sort of. I still need to haunt it Phantom-style before they tear the place down.

The future alumni/student athlete services building.

these people make me smile.

2009-10-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

Today's post is dedicated to my friends who have been there for me even when things got really bad. I love you all immensely.

Brian Tompkins

Bess Oliver

Claire (Judson) McLeod

Ashley Flock

Alitia Monasmith

Jake McGrew

Josh Shere

i'm a wind up toy in an up down world...

2009-10-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knew me last year knows that I was not the most pleasant person to be around. I was coming off a sudden, unexpected breakup, which combined with school and stress and all kinds of other issues, made me miserable. I was angry. I was bitter. I went from denying what had happened, to refusing to ever enter another relationship again, to worrying that I would die alone. Many of my close friends, who have been dating their significant others for relatively long periods of time (2-3 years or more) reassured me that that wasn't the case, that if they had found happiness, then so could I.

And in the past year, I've come a long way toward enjoying life again. I caught the bouquet at Claire's wedding, which if nothing else is a tangible reminder of hope for the future. And it's been up and down, but I've been at a relatively stable point emotionally for a while now.

Unfortunately, that stability is constantly being tested.

The most recent blow came in the early hours of Saturday morning, when I found out that Alitia, one of my best friends who lives in Central Point, and the guy she had been in a relationship with for almost two years had broken up. Both of them had visited Eugene the previous weekend for Festival of Bands, and it didn't seem to me like anything was wrong. And it seemed like they were committed to each other, that each had found in the other what they needed to be complete. It was observing loving bonds like that that gave me hope that someday, I too could enjoy something like that.

Now I'm not so sure. If it can happen to the strongest of us, what chance do I have?

blarg...

2009-09-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

I've hated exercising forever.
I now go for a walk almost every night.
I really like it.
I think being left handed would be sweet.
Sometimes I practice writing with my other hand just to see what it's like.
I have an addiction to Mountain Dew.
My favorite is Mountain Dew Voltage, although I've tried and liked almost every flavor.
I have a mini fridge full of the aforementioned Dew in my bedroom.
When in doubt, medicate.
Sometimes this may involve self-medication.
Because I don't drink or do drugs, self-medication usually takes the form of Mountain Dew.
Which is conveniently located in the fridge in my room.
After one day on the job, I'm confident I will love my job.
Parts of it also scare the crap out of me.
I'm extremely attracted to brown eyes.
I miss being in a relationship. A lot.
Not so much that I'll settle for just anyone.
But enough so that it still stings when people get all mushy in public.
I hate Valentine's Day.
And not because it's commercial. I love buying crap.
That's why Black Friday is so awesome.
But because it's a cruel, sadistic holiday designed to separate the happy people from the lonely people.
I feel like no matter what I do or don't do, I keep losing more friends every day.
This is my third year as a member of the Oregon Marching Band, and I'm still not completely sure I've found my place.
Finding my place may have been further delayed by my choice to drastically switch instruments in the middle of my college career.
Oh well. At least I can feel like I'm one step closer to being able to realistically dream of becoming a badass.
In addition to a clarinet, which I can play fairly well, I also own a flute and a keyboard, neither of which I can play.
Journalism is my other love besides music.
I decided on my major my junior year of high school.
I still don't know what I want to do.
I constantly worry that I'll never know.
I have random music moods, and iPod playlists to accommodate them.
I wish I would have been awesome enough to be in the student section for football my freshman year.
Then maybe it wouldn't seem so strange now when I go to volleyball games.
211 and 415 are my favorite songs that the garter bands play.
For those who don't know, that means "Separate Ways" and the theme from Duck Tales, respectively.
People look at me strangely when I know the words to stands tunes.
I don't really care.
I've passed that age when people think that sounding cool when you talk involves using profanity every other word in every sentence.
It's all about discretion.
I don't care what your religious beliefs are, or even if you have any.
I do care when you make a point to trash mine in front of me.
Especially when I don't do it to you.
I may not be the poster child for piety, but I don't appreciate feeling threatened.
I hate wearing my hair down.
I hate when it's in my face, and it looks terrible.
Which is why it's almost always up.
I miss a lot of people.
Some I will probably never talk to again.
Oh well, that's the way life goes sometimes.
I just wish this didn't happen all the time, with each new group of people I hang out with.
I'm craving egg salad right now.
But I don't know how to make it, and it's almost 11 at night, so Barry's is definitely closed right now.
Not that I want to go to campus right now anyway.
I'm tired of having people my own age act like they're my parents.
I already have some. I don't need more.
Especially when my actual parents don't boss me around that much.
I worry every day that after I graduate college, I'm going to fail at life.
I know a lot of people won't read this, and that's cool.
I won't judge you.
I just need to clear my mind so I can figure stuff out and where to go from here.

Whatever.

2009-09-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

You can please most people some of the time, and you can please some people all the time.

This post is dedicated to not being able to please anyone any of the time.

With those impossible odds, why even bother trying anymore?

Wow.

2009-09-11T03:16:00.000-07:00

This has been an interesting night.

So Brian and I went to Albertson's to buy a newspaper. As we got out of the car, I saw, across the parking lot, the one car I was not expecting to see.

Yup, that's right. A red 1994 Buick LeSabre.

My initial reaction was one of panic. And my suspicions were confirmed when Brian and I entered the store and I saw HIM in the checkout line. As we were looking for a paper, Ashley, who was with him, saw me and waved. He did the same. Later that evening we had a pleasant conversation on Facebook. Nothing deep or personal, but definitely better than any words exchanged between us in the past year.

I think I've finally hit a point where I can move on, live my life, and not harbor hard feelings toward certain people in my past. Which is definitely a positive. At the very least, I proved to myself that I can be the bigger person.

Ugh.

2009-09-05T02:40:00.001-07:00

So much stuff to think about and worry about.

I can't even write right now.

"Passion is a blatant understatement."

2009-08-30T00:10:00.000-07:00

The Oregon volleyball team had a tournament this weekend, and I went to all three matches and hung out with the Insane-O's - a nice change from football games where I'm pretty much restricted to the OMB section. Between the second and third games, kids attending the game get to play musical chairs.

Well, at this morning's game, there weren't a lot of kids, so the Insane-O's filled in...well, they pretty much ARE kids. :)

Introduction

Cam-O waves to the crowd

Getting started.

And dUckbOy's out. Three more.

Yeah!

And...Cam-O falls in the final round to the guy in the black shirt. Oh well.

25 things...

2009-08-26T01:29:00.001-07:00

1. I've recently discovered how much fun going for a nice long walk can be. Especially at dusk, or late at night with other people.
2. I occasionally and randomly burst into dance. This is just as likely to happen while walking down the sidewalk as it is in my apartment.
3. I kick ass at pinball. Whoever wants to challenge me, come on over!
4. I love fedoras. They add a touch of class to any outfit.
5. I'm growing more pessimistic about my future every day.
6. I love love love my new apartment.
7. I miss my friends who are at Boise State right now enduring band camp. Especially some of them whom I haven't seen in months.
8. I hate Miley Cyrus. With a passion. She's talentless, she's becoming more and more of a slut every week and her song "Party In The U.S.A." makes my ears bleed.
9. Conversely, I really like a lot of the songs I've heard on the radio lately. They're perfect for long walks and random epic dancing.
10. I think Dave Ramsey is really informative, regardless of what some people might think.
11. I love the bulk food section at Winco. Next time I go I'm going to stock up on snacks.
12. I'm getting more and more into movies than I've ever been in my life. Right now, my movie collection outnumbers Brian's, and I have a list of more that I want to own in the near future.
13. The ambience music at Old Navy is amazing.
14. I have way too many different instruments in my bedroom right now. I should learn to play more of them.
15. I'm slowly and steadily getting better at keyboard.
16. I really wish I could find my niche in the world.
17. I wish cooking didn't intimidate me so much.
18. I miss the dogs. I especially miss Lu, because I haven't seen her in nine months. I'm beginning to wonder if she's even considered our dog anymore. And it makes me sad.
19. That last one made me really depressed all of a sudden.
20. I really wish I could be more comfortable around some people, less comfortable around others and less impulsive in general.
21. At the same time that I'm excited about marching band, I'm also extremely worried. This is going to put me in a potentially difficult position. But I also know that I'm doing what I want to do, and I'm not going to let my past keep me from doing that.
22. I don't get why people are so shocked that I hate pet names. I like my name, so let's use it.
23. I have the moral values of a 1950s housewife, but the openmindedness of a 1960s flower child. This can annoy a lot of people. I don't really care.
24. There are certain areas of my life where I feel equally sure of myself and completely confused. As a result, I spend a lot of time frustrated because I don't know what to do.
25. I want love. True, unfailing love. And my friends are all confident that I'll find it. I want to believe them. But it's so difficult.

New blog!

2009-08-13T20:06:00.001-07:00

Hey! I just wanted to do a little bit of advertising for my brand-new blog, The Best Free Stuff Ever! (thebestpriceisfree.blogspot.com). It will feature, hopefully on a somewhat regular basis, discoveries that I've made of all sorts of free stuff - music, samples, ways to help the world and more!

See you there!

bored at PCC

2009-08-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

Looking into someone's eyes in general is really difficult. But to answer the question, probably looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel.

Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?

I was really angry last spring when my friends abandoned me for no explainable reason. And I'm not mad at most of them anymore.

You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago nonstop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?

Probably my parents, to say that I love them.

You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?

I'd let some people know, but I wouldn't just tell everyone; there are some people who don't need to know or wouldn't care, and I hate having tons of attention drawn to me/people making a huge deal about me. I'd probably do all sorts of crazy stuff that I've never done before, and I would probably be a little afraid, just because death is a scary thought.

You can have one of the following two things: Love or Trust. Which do you choose? Why?

Trust. Love seems to naturally follow.

You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dog’s life?

Of course. Any boss who wouldn't respect kindness and compassion is someone I wouldn't want to work for in the first place. Plus, there's nothing in that question that says that I will definitely be late for work... :)

You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?

First off, this would never happen to me, because I'm picky enough to choose to be in a relationship with someone I can devote the rest of my life to. However, honesty is always the best policy in any relationship, and your partner would probably rather find out from you than through the grapevine.

Your friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?

OH SNAP!

Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

Sometimes.

Does love = sex?

Sex is a very important part of certain types of relationships, and once you're completely commited to someone (aka after marriage) it's an important part of showing your devotion to your partner. However, there are many types of love that people have for various other relationships (i.e. friendships, parent-child, pets, etc.) that shouldn't involve sex.

When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?

Probably mediation with Alitia.

What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?

That I don't love them back.

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?

I think it would be incredibly hard for me to give up all contact with other people. I've experienced isolation before, and it's more painful that almost anything else one can imagine.

Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?

Probably Mom, at some point today.

Imagine: it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

A big tough guy with a mask.

Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?

Yeah (assuming I can relearn CPR before the opportunity presents itself), because everyone deserves lifesaving effort if it's available.

You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your reason for making the decision?

First off, this question is messed up. But I'd probably save the grandmother.

Are you old fashioned?

In some ways, yes.

When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?

Yesterday.

Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

Having never loved at all. It's a lot less painful.

If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?

I wish someone would recognize my true potential, and that that someone wouldn't be a creeper.

The countdown begins...

2009-08-11T20:17:00.000-07:00

In three days Brian and I will start the process of moving back down to Eugene for the school year. Although marching band is still a little more than a month away, and school doesn't start for another two weeks after that, we're moving into our apartment this weekend because the management couldn't reserve our apartment past this Friday.

The epic moving adventure starts Friday morning, when we will go down to Eugene to sign the lease and move as many boxes as we can into the apartment. It will continue Saturday when we rent a moving truck from Tigard and run all over Newberg picking up furniture and boxes from various locations, then make the hour-and-a-half-long trek down to Eugene to move everything into the apartment, then return the truck. Woohoo.

More to follow, including pictures of the new apartment!

Best of 2009: Part One

2009-07-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

Now that more than half of 2009 is in the books, I thought it would be fun to sort of go back through the past seven-ish months and compile sort of a collection of memories. These are in no particular order except how I happened to remember them.

"I like how you tear into those things. You're like a freakin' fire truck!" - said by Brian during dinner at Lucky Fortune one weekend when I managed to make it home from Eugene. The fire truck reference comes from the Family Guy episode "Petarded."
Office party night, April 9, 2009. - This was the first time I had ever been introduced to the real game of life, which we played at Cameron's apartment while waiting for The Office to start. Thus began several months and counting of playing the game and sharing it with a bunch of other people, and the game has only become more and more fun.
Finishing the SOJC pre-major requirements. - Finally, I can consider myself a true UO journalism major. Info Hell, Duncan McDonald and J101 are all things of the past and now I can focus on bigger and better things...like trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with my news-editorial degree now that all the newspapers in the country are shutting down.
Concerts. - Beginning with Jason Webley March 19, continuing with OK Go March 30 and The Decemberists May 21, and most recently Relient K May 29, this was a busy spring as far as my live music intake is concerned. All of the aforementioned are among my favorite musicians, so I didn't consider any of the shows to be a bad deal, although having someone to hang out with at the Decemberists show would have been fun.
Turning 20. - Although not nearly as eventful as next year will likely be, this July 14 was nevertheless a milestone - I am no longer a teenager, although I've been an adult for two years now. Now I have a full year to carefully plan out my next birthday, as it has the potential to end either good or bad...let's hope for good.
Finally making it to the Melting Pot. - For the past couple of years, I have had to deal with Bess and Brian continually mentioning how amazing the Melting Pot is and satisfying myself with continuing to mention how much I really wanted to go sometime. Finally, for my birthday, Bess and Brian took me out to dinner at the best restaurant in the world (well in Portland anyway) and we enjoyed: Quattro Formaggio cheese fondue with bread, apples and vegetables; California salads (lettuce and tomatoes with crumbled Gorgonzola cheese, walnuts and raspberry black walnut vinaigrette); Coq Au Vin fondue (fresh herbs, mushrooms, garlic, spices and burgundy wine) with shrimp, duck, teriyaki sirloin, pork, chicken and potstickers; and S'mores fondue with cheesecake, strawberries, bananas, Oreo- and graham-cracker-coated marshmallows, pound cake and brownies. Plus the atmosphere is super sexy: the restaurant is underground, so you descend down a winding stairway into a dimly lit wonderland.

Hopefully the rest of 2009 will have more fun times!

Update: July 23, 2009

2009-07-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

I found a bed for my apartment. Now to go pick it up tomorrow morning!
I'm rereading Walk Two Moons. It's pretty good.
The Old Fashioned Festival is once again upon us. I'm looking forward to watching Ben Rice perform, eating an elephant ear, getting free stuff from the vendor booths, watching the parade and watching the fireworks!
I'm in the process of weeding out more excess stuff from my bedroom. My goal is to be able to either store things at my parents' house for later on in life or move it into my apartment in Eugene (and then move it back to the berg at the end of the school year.) So basically if it's not important enough to move around with me and I won't need it in five years, I'm getting rid of it.
I'm toying around with different design ideas for newsletters in my head...just because I sort of randomly do that sort of thing from time to time. I don't have anything specific in mind though...maybe next time I'm at PCC I'll pick up a few really interesting ones and make up an inspiration binder or something.
I want a bigger corkboard. Currently, my ticket stubs live on a French-style bulletin board in the shape of a semi-formal dress. This is all well and good, except I have all sorts of other small paper memorabilia items -- stickers, programs, etc. -- that don't really belong with the tickets and/or don't fit on the dress board. Hopefully I'll find something soon so I can move all my random treasures out of drawers and shoeboxes and put them on display.

Yuppies annoy the hell out of me.

2009-07-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

People who:

live in Sherwood.
buy cell phones for their elementary school-age child.
have a country club/golf course membership.
drive a Prius (for environmentalist cred), which they park next to their SUV in their spacious two-car garage in their immaculate gated community.
live in a house that's less than 1000 square feet, two stories tall, six inches away from the identical house next door (if they don't share a wall), paid $300,000 for it, and considered it a "bargain."
dress their young children in Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister.
take yearly vacations to places like Hawaii.
decorates their home with ridiculous, meaningless crap like fake fruit, sconces and dimmer lights.
have an all-white living room.
I'm sure I'll think of more...

I said Hey! What's going on???

2009-07-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

Here's a bit of what's been going on and what's to come:

I have an apartment!!!
My friend Brian (who will be my roommate this upcoming school year) and I went down to Eugene a couple weeks ago to hunt for somewhere to live. We looked at several complexes near Autzen Stadium and finally found somewhere to apply. We went down to Eugene again two days later to turn in our applications, and we even got a look inside the apartment we hoped to get. That Friday, we found out that our applications had been approved and we got the apartment. We will be living in the Parkgrove apartments, which are next to Ducks Village and across Kinsrow from Chase Village. We get to move in August 14, after which I will be posting pictures documenting the move-in process.

Claire and Melissa got married! But not to each other!
The weekend before my birthday, I was super busy. Two of my friends had weddings in as many days.

The fun started Friday night with Claire's bachelorette party. We went to Washington Square Mall, a shopping trip which included Icing (for the all-important "Hot Bride" sash), Spencer's (for body crayons, which we used immediately upon exiting the store), and Victoria's Secret (for a couple of surprises for Ian).

It continued the next day with Melissa Kelley's wedding, on the Cammack farm just south of Salem. Our families have been neighbors for a few years now.

Sunday was the longest day of my entire life. Brian picked me up from my house at 9 a.m. for the two-hour drive to Rockaway Beach. When we got there, it was starting to sprinkle, which gradually become harder and harder rain as the time for the wedding drew near. Claire made an executive decision to keep the ceremony on the beach as planned, although everyone got fairly wet. Luckily we got inside for the reception just as the monsoon started. :)

Brian was in charge of the music, and we danced to all of our favorites from high school dances and ice cream orgies. They had two cakes: a coconut cake and a champagne cake, both with lots of raspberries. I caught the bouquet...which should be really lucky, right? And when it was time for Claire and Ian to leave, the crowd that had gathered outside the city hall (where the reception was held) made so much noise that a passing driver who had turned to see what was going on ended up driving off the road...haha :)

So basically, it was the biggest party weekend ever.

I turned 20!
My actual birthday was fairly uneventful, although my parents took me out to dinner Saturday night at McCormick & Schmick's. I slept through the entire morning (the craziness of the previous weekend had finally caught up with me) and had class that night, so I couldn't do much. However, I did get lots of lovely birthday wishes, beginning at 2 a.m. when Josh and Cameron both texted me (Josh actually texted me, emailed me, wrote on my facebook wall, got on facebook chat and sent me a message on Twitter). After chatting with Cameron for an hour or so, I slept for about four hours until Mom and Matt came in to give me my gifts (a card, five pairs of earrings and a new Oregon hoodie). After they left, I tried to go back to sleep, but I was soon bombarded with six text messages and a ton of Facebook notifications. Thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! And I still need to figure out a date for Bess and Brian to take me to dinner at the Melting Pot!

I got an A on my first psychology test!
Because my birthday is in the middle of summer, I usually don't have class on my birthday. However, because I'm taking PSY 215 this summer at PCC to get some science credit, not only did I have class on my birthday; Tuesday was the date of my first test. Luckily, I did well, considering I finished the thing in 15 minutes. Even better news: I looked up the transfer equivalent online, and my PSY 215 class counts as PSY 210 at UO! Yay!

More to follow!