I guess sleeping isn't an option tonight.

Sometimes, my mind and I just don't get along.

Case in point: tonight. Or this morning, rather. Right now it's just after 5 a.m. Saturday. I should be sleeping. I want to be sleeping. But apparently my mind has other plans tonight. It wants to remind me of all the things I've done to unintentionally hurt my friends, all the situations I've made awkward just by being present, all the reasons why, no matter how much I want to just lay all my feelings and problems out in front of someone for no other reason than to just get it, I can't because it will either get me in trouble or ruin my friendship with the other person.

Lots of aspects of my life are still very uncertain, and that scares me to death. I still have no clear idea of what I want to do in a year and a half (ish) when it's time for me to leave UO. I don't know where I want to live, or where I'll be able to afford to live. I'm worried about the economy, and how it's very likely that, especially in my chosen field, I'll start having to pay back the crap ton of student loans I have long before I have a secure job. I'm losing confidence in the one thing I thought I would be good at and enjoy.

But above all of those other things, the one thing that's been weighing on my mind the most lately is love, or rather, the apparent shortage of it anywhere in my near and even not-so-near future. This is also one of those things I can't really discuss with anyone, even the people who are the closest to me, without having them rehash, over and over again, how it's all in my head, how I'll only be lonely forever if I let it happen, how there are more important things in life, how I should stay positive because of all the other good things in my life, on and on and on. And I know that what they're saying makes sense.

At the same time though, for reasons I can't even begin to comprehend, it seems like everyone else I know has their lives all put together. One of the reasons I honestly can't stand being in Newberg anymore is because of the whole climate of "oh, our families have known each other forever and we've been best friends since the day we were born and now let's get married less than a year out of high school and have adorable children and on and on and on." Because that's just the way it is. In the two and a half years since I graduated from Newberg High School, at least 10 percent of all the girls in my graduating class and the one after it are engaged. A lot of them are married. Some of them even have kids.

Meanwhile, I'm out in the middle of nowhere. I've dated and been dumped by a total of one person in my entire life, and I met him in college; he wasn't someone I've known since birth and dated since middle school. I've never known any sort of romantic love, and after a year and a half with no one even on the horizon, it's not looking like I will anytime soon. And I know a ton of people would argue with this if they even bothered to read my blog, but I constantly feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't find love until they're too old. I know people would instantly point out that I'm "only 20" and I "have a lot of time left" and "one bad relationship shouldn't be the end of the world," but when pretty much everyone else I know is at least committed to someone, or was when they were my age, it feels like it's only a matter of time before it's automatically game over, sorry, you lose.

And I know this sounds ridiculous, and I've mentioned it before, but I'm starting to wonder whether I should just give up. Not necessarily just because I don't think I'm worth it, but because I'm not sure which of my options will get me in trouble and which will actually help. If I actively look for people, I look desperate. If I start making a bunch of friends with guys and then constantly monitor the friendship to see if there's any hint of anything more, I feel like a creeper, drive myself to insanity and ruin the friendship. If I just give up, people judge me for that too. There's absolutely no way to win here, and a variety of ways to lose.

At this point, I'm even going so far as to view any sort of attraction to anyone as a red flag, and then using all available energy and willpower to keep myself in as much of a neutral, apathetic state as possible. But then that has the potential of me looking like an asshole who doesn't care. And I'm friends with these people, so I need to care. And I want to care. And so I try to care. But at the same time I'm constantly trying to maintain a balance of caring but not to the point where I get too close.

And emotional distancing is such a hard thing when you're good friends with someone, to the point where you would go to the ends of the earth for them, not out of obsession, but simply because you care deeply about them. Especially when you know that even one misinterpreted action could ruin a friendship forever, because any sort of feeling other than platonic friendship is not ok and will never be ok.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless and lost. But at the same time, I have to stay positive because that's what my friends and everyone else wants. Which means I have nowhere to vent, other than a crappy blog that no one reads. Which might be a good thing. Although it really doesn't help much.

I thought sleeping would help take my mind off the problem, at least for tonight. I guess that wasn't an options, seeing as it's 6 a.m., I have yet to sleep and I still feel miserable. Maybe I should just give up on that possibility for tonight and try again in vain in 18 hours...