I guess sleeping isn't an option tonight.

Sometimes, my mind and I just don't get along.

Case in point: tonight. Or this morning, rather. Right now it's just after 5 a.m. Saturday. I should be sleeping. I want to be sleeping. But apparently my mind has other plans tonight. It wants to remind me of all the things I've done to unintentionally hurt my friends, all the situations I've made awkward just by being present, all the reasons why, no matter how much I want to just lay all my feelings and problems out in front of someone for no other reason than to just get it, I can't because it will either get me in trouble or ruin my friendship with the other person.

Lots of aspects of my life are still very uncertain, and that scares me to death. I still have no clear idea of what I want to do in a year and a half (ish) when it's time for me to leave UO. I don't know where I want to live, or where I'll be able to afford to live. I'm worried about the economy, and how it's very likely that, especially in my chosen field, I'll start having to pay back the crap ton of student loans I have long before I have a secure job. I'm losing confidence in the one thing I thought I would be good at and enjoy.

But above all of those other things, the one thing that's been weighing on my mind the most lately is love, or rather, the apparent shortage of it anywhere in my near and even not-so-near future. This is also one of those things I can't really discuss with anyone, even the people who are the closest to me, without having them rehash, over and over again, how it's all in my head, how I'll only be lonely forever if I let it happen, how there are more important things in life, how I should stay positive because of all the other good things in my life, on and on and on. And I know that what they're saying makes sense.

At the same time though, for reasons I can't even begin to comprehend, it seems like everyone else I know has their lives all put together. One of the reasons I honestly can't stand being in Newberg anymore is because of the whole climate of "oh, our families have known each other forever and we've been best friends since the day we were born and now let's get married less than a year out of high school and have adorable children and on and on and on." Because that's just the way it is. In the two and a half years since I graduated from Newberg High School, at least 10 percent of all the girls in my graduating class and the one after it are engaged. A lot of them are married. Some of them even have kids.

Meanwhile, I'm out in the middle of nowhere. I've dated and been dumped by a total of one person in my entire life, and I met him in college; he wasn't someone I've known since birth and dated since middle school. I've never known any sort of romantic love, and after a year and a half with no one even on the horizon, it's not looking like I will anytime soon. And I know a ton of people would argue with this if they even bothered to read my blog, but I constantly feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't find love until they're too old. I know people would instantly point out that I'm "only 20" and I "have a lot of time left" and "one bad relationship shouldn't be the end of the world," but when pretty much everyone else I know is at least committed to someone, or was when they were my age, it feels like it's only a matter of time before it's automatically game over, sorry, you lose.

And I know this sounds ridiculous, and I've mentioned it before, but I'm starting to wonder whether I should just give up. Not necessarily just because I don't think I'm worth it, but because I'm not sure which of my options will get me in trouble and which will actually help. If I actively look for people, I look desperate. If I start making a bunch of friends with guys and then constantly monitor the friendship to see if there's any hint of anything more, I feel like a creeper, drive myself to insanity and ruin the friendship. If I just give up, people judge me for that too. There's absolutely no way to win here, and a variety of ways to lose.

At this point, I'm even going so far as to view any sort of attraction to anyone as a red flag, and then using all available energy and willpower to keep myself in as much of a neutral, apathetic state as possible. But then that has the potential of me looking like an asshole who doesn't care. And I'm friends with these people, so I need to care. And I want to care. And so I try to care. But at the same time I'm constantly trying to maintain a balance of caring but not to the point where I get too close.

And emotional distancing is such a hard thing when you're good friends with someone, to the point where you would go to the ends of the earth for them, not out of obsession, but simply because you care deeply about them. Especially when you know that even one misinterpreted action could ruin a friendship forever, because any sort of feeling other than platonic friendship is not ok and will never be ok.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless and lost. But at the same time, I have to stay positive because that's what my friends and everyone else wants. Which means I have nowhere to vent, other than a crappy blog that no one reads. Which might be a good thing. Although it really doesn't help much.

I thought sleeping would help take my mind off the problem, at least for tonight. I guess that wasn't an options, seeing as it's 6 a.m., I have yet to sleep and I still feel miserable. Maybe I should just give up on that possibility for tonight and try again in vain in 18 hours...

Hey! Pachuco!

Finally, things seem to be falling into place.

The people who I call my friends have been and continue to be the most amazing people I've ever known. And I find new friends where I least expect them to be.

With the exception of a few people who will probably always rub me the wrong way, marching band is a truly awesome experience. Even during band camp, I was wondering if I had made a mistake by wanting to switch from clarinet to euphonium -- prior to this year I had never played a brass instrument in my life -- and as a result, I contemplated quitting band because I knew there was no way I could ever feel comfortable in the clarinet section again. However, as the season progresses, I continue to get better and more confident on my horn, and even though I will probably never reach the level of most of the rest of my section, I've finally found something about marching band that I genuinely enjoy, and to me that's enough.

Things are becoming more stable on the friendship front. I've fixed friendships with most of the people I hurt last year, and those who still hold a grudge against me for whatever reason are not central to my life anymore; they've moved to the outer fringe where I can push them out of my mind a lot more easily. I've also met several new people, as well as some others who I wish I would have known earlier, and they've quickly become trusted friends.

Work, although fun, was initially stressful. I continue to get criticism and direction almost every day. However, I'm learning to look at such things as a desire on the part of the more experienced workers to help me do my job better. And I think I'm doing better as time goes on, so yay for improvement! Another plus: I feel a lot more connected to the kids than I did even a month ago. While at first they didn't even remember my name, now they hug me, draw me pictures and want me to sit by them in the circle. :)

So yeah. That's just a snippet of what's been going on lately. This is also an attempt to try and revive my poor blog that has been ignored a bit as of late...

The countdown begins...

In three days Brian and I will start the process of moving back down to Eugene for the school year. Although marching band is still a little more than a month away, and school doesn't start for another two weeks after that, we're moving into our apartment this weekend because the management couldn't reserve our apartment past this Friday.

The epic moving adventure starts Friday morning, when we will go down to Eugene to sign the lease and move as many boxes as we can into the apartment. It will continue Saturday when we rent a moving truck from Tigard and run all over Newberg picking up furniture and boxes from various locations, then make the hour-and-a-half-long trek down to Eugene to move everything into the apartment, then return the truck. Woohoo.

More to follow, including pictures of the new apartment!

Update: July 23, 2009

• I found a bed for my apartment. Now to go pick it up tomorrow morning!
• I'm rereading Walk Two Moons. It's pretty good.
• The Old Fashioned Festival is once again upon us. I'm looking forward to watching Ben Rice perform, eating an elephant ear, getting free stuff from the vendor booths, watching the parade and watching the fireworks!
• I'm in the process of weeding out more excess stuff from my bedroom. My goal is to be able to either store things at my parents' house for later on in life or move it into my apartment in Eugene (and then move it back to the berg at the end of the school year.) So basically if it's not important enough to move around with me and I won't need it in five years, I'm getting rid of it.
• I'm toying around with different design ideas for newsletters in my head...just because I sort of randomly do that sort of thing from time to time. I don't have anything specific in mind though...maybe next time I'm at PCC I'll pick up a few really interesting ones and make up an inspiration binder or something.
  
• I want a bigger corkboard. Currently, my ticket stubs live on a French-style bulletin board in the shape of a semi-formal dress. This is all well and good, except I have all sorts of other small paper memorabilia items -- stickers, programs, etc. -- that don't really belong with the tickets and/or don't fit on the dress board. Hopefully I'll find something soon so I can move all my random treasures out of drawers and shoeboxes and put them on display.
  

I said Hey! What's going on???

Here's a bit of what's been going on and what's to come:

I have an apartment!!!
My friend Brian (who will be my roommate this upcoming school year) and I went down to Eugene a couple weeks ago to hunt for somewhere to live. We looked at several complexes near Autzen Stadium and finally found somewhere to apply. We went down to Eugene again two days later to turn in our applications, and we even got a look inside the apartment we hoped to get. That Friday, we found out that our applications had been approved and we got the apartment. We will be living in the Parkgrove apartments, which are next to Ducks Village and across Kinsrow from Chase Village. We get to move in August 14, after which I will be posting pictures documenting the move-in process.

Claire and Melissa got married! But not to each other!
The weekend before my birthday, I was super busy. Two of my friends had weddings in as many days.

The fun started Friday night with Claire's bachelorette party. We went to Washington Square Mall, a shopping trip which included Icing (for the all-important "Hot Bride" sash), Spencer's (for body crayons, which we used immediately upon exiting the store), and Victoria's Secret (for a couple of surprises for Ian).

It continued the next day with Melissa Kelley's wedding, on the Cammack farm just south of Salem. Our families have been neighbors for a few years now.

Sunday was the longest day of my entire life. Brian picked me up from my house at 9 a.m. for the two-hour drive to Rockaway Beach. When we got there, it was starting to sprinkle, which gradually become harder and harder rain as the time for the wedding drew near. Claire made an executive decision to keep the ceremony on the beach as planned, although everyone got fairly wet. Luckily we got inside for the reception just as the monsoon started. :)

Brian was in charge of the music, and we danced to all of our favorites from high school dances and ice cream orgies. They had two cakes: a coconut cake and a champagne cake, both with lots of raspberries. I caught the bouquet...which should be really lucky, right? And when it was time for Claire and Ian to leave, the crowd that had gathered outside the city hall (where the reception was held) made so much noise that a passing driver who had turned to see what was going on ended up driving off the road...haha :)

So basically, it was the biggest party weekend ever.

I turned 20!
My actual birthday was fairly uneventful, although my parents took me out to dinner Saturday night at McCormick & Schmick's. I slept through the entire morning (the craziness of the previous weekend had finally caught up with me) and had class that night, so I couldn't do much. However, I did get lots of lovely birthday wishes, beginning at 2 a.m. when Josh and Cameron both texted me (Josh actually texted me, emailed me, wrote on my facebook wall, got on facebook chat and sent me a message on Twitter). After chatting with Cameron for an hour or so, I slept for about four hours until Mom and Matt came in to give me my gifts (a card, five pairs of earrings and a new Oregon hoodie). After they left, I tried to go back to sleep, but I was soon bombarded with six text messages and a ton of Facebook notifications. Thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! And I still need to figure out a date for Bess and Brian to take me to dinner at the Melting Pot!

I got an A on my first psychology test!
Because my birthday is in the middle of summer, I usually don't have class on my birthday. However, because I'm taking PSY 215 this summer at PCC to get some science credit, not only did I have class on my birthday; Tuesday was the date of my first test. Luckily, I did well, considering I finished the thing in 15 minutes. Even better news: I looked up the transfer equivalent online, and my PSY 215 class counts as PSY 210 at UO! Yay!

More to follow!