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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I know I'm making the right decision.

But why does it have to be so difficult?

Realistically, I know I can't just keep spending a shit ton of money to live in Eugene (which apparently isn't a shit ton according to Asshole Roommate, who has a full-time job and makes bank and therefore doesn't know what expensive is) while I keep failing to graduate, year after year. And my mom and stepdad continue to amaze me with their support and eagerness to have me move out of my apartment and go up to Alaska to live with them.

I need to get out of Eugene. I can't live this way anymore, in this shitty apartment with roommates who honestly couldn't give a rat's ass whether or not I'm even still alive, having to wait until everyone's out/asleep to come home so I don't have to make awkward conversation or explain my existence to them.

I'm continually depressed about my school situation. Everyone I graduated high school with is now out of college. Even the ones who took a bonus term are gone now. My advising appointment last week didn't give me a promising outlook either: if I took 16 credits per term, including summer, and passed all my classes, the earliest I could graduate would be the end of winter term 2013. My financial aid will likely run out either this term or next.

I'm stressed out. The job market here in Eugene is slim, even for part-time work. The likelihood of improvement even after I supposedly graduate is slim. I'd be lucky to get any job, much less one that will allow me to pay rent and bills while also paying off my thousands of dollars in student loans.

It's gotten to the point where I have trouble sleeping. A day where I don't entertain the idea of playing in highway traffic to avoid having to deal with my dismal future is increasingly rare and far between.

All these are reasons why moving to Alaska is, in all honesty, the right decision. I'm excited to get the fuck out of here and start a new life where no one knows me, no one hates me, I haven't burned bridges with anyone.

At the same time, I feel terrible. I've made so many amazing friends while here in Eugene, many of whom I'll likely ever see again once I'm gone. Same goes for my dad, my siblings, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.

My favorite cousin, who's currently a sophomore in high school, wants to go to UO to study music. She made this decision largely because of my influence. She looks up to me. She was looking forward to moving down to Eugene and living with me, and we would be the best roommates ever. None of that can ever happen now. I'll probably never see her again.

Other members of my family, who I already never see enough as it is, are going to hate me forever, because by leaving, I'm basically taking a huge shit on everything they've ever done for me.

I'll have to give up all the freedom I had while living here in Eugene. I'll be back with my parents, and it'll be like high school all over again. I won't be able to go anywhere. They'll make me go to church, a place I've never felt comfortable. Going out to Taylor's, Rennie's, Max's, going to the mall just for the hell of it, going to the library and literally having the world at my fingertips..that's all over.

I know I should appreciate this chance to start fresh in a new place. Lots of people don't get this opportunity, and they just have to deal with how much their lives suck.

I just wish it didn't hurt this much.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I'm not dead, I promise!

So...I found a new playlist site, and decided to add new music to my blog. And...I looked down and realized I hadn't updated this site in about four months... :(

I'll start by saying this: Yay Rose Bowl trip! You know you support a really good football team when you have to "settle" for the Rose Bowl. Most former OMB members have never been on a Rose Bowl trip. Now, a little less than half the band will be experiencing their second trip to Pasadena, complete with a 22-hour day...yikes.

Of course, none of that was set in stone until we won a little football game called the Pac-12 Championship. It was the first time such a game had been played in the Pac-12, and we got to host it at Autzen! Even better, we got to host a visiting band - the UCLA Bruin Marching Band - and we're all pretty much best friends now. :)

Now, time to take on finals week and then winter break before heading down to Pasadena! :)