I know I'm making the right decision.

But why does it have to be so difficult?

Realistically, I know I can't just keep spending a shit ton of money to live in Eugene (which apparently isn't a shit ton according to Asshole Roommate, who has a full-time job and makes bank and therefore doesn't know what expensive is) while I keep failing to graduate, year after year. And my mom and stepdad continue to amaze me with their support and eagerness to have me move out of my apartment and go up to Alaska to live with them.

I need to get out of Eugene. I can't live this way anymore, in this shitty apartment with roommates who honestly couldn't give a rat's ass whether or not I'm even still alive, having to wait until everyone's out/asleep to come home so I don't have to make awkward conversation or explain my existence to them.

I'm continually depressed about my school situation. Everyone I graduated high school with is now out of college. Even the ones who took a bonus term are gone now. My advising appointment last week didn't give me a promising outlook either: if I took 16 credits per term, including summer, and passed all my classes, the earliest I could graduate would be the end of winter term 2013. My financial aid will likely run out either this term or next.

I'm stressed out. The job market here in Eugene is slim, even for part-time work. The likelihood of improvement even after I supposedly graduate is slim. I'd be lucky to get any job, much less one that will allow me to pay rent and bills while also paying off my thousands of dollars in student loans.

It's gotten to the point where I have trouble sleeping. A day where I don't entertain the idea of playing in highway traffic to avoid having to deal with my dismal future is increasingly rare and far between.

All these are reasons why moving to Alaska is, in all honesty, the right decision. I'm excited to get the fuck out of here and start a new life where no one knows me, no one hates me, I haven't burned bridges with anyone.

At the same time, I feel terrible. I've made so many amazing friends while here in Eugene, many of whom I'll likely ever see again once I'm gone. Same goes for my dad, my siblings, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.

My favorite cousin, who's currently a sophomore in high school, wants to go to UO to study music. She made this decision largely because of my influence. She looks up to me. She was looking forward to moving down to Eugene and living with me, and we would be the best roommates ever. None of that can ever happen now. I'll probably never see her again.

Other members of my family, who I already never see enough as it is, are going to hate me forever, because by leaving, I'm basically taking a huge shit on everything they've ever done for me.

I'll have to give up all the freedom I had while living here in Eugene. I'll be back with my parents, and it'll be like high school all over again. I won't be able to go anywhere. They'll make me go to church, a place I've never felt comfortable. Going out to Taylor's, Rennie's, Max's, going to the mall just for the hell of it, going to the library and literally having the world at my fingertips..that's all over.

I know I should appreciate this chance to start fresh in a new place. Lots of people don't get this opportunity, and they just have to deal with how much their lives suck.

I just wish it didn't hurt this much.

I'm not dead, I promise!

So...I found a new playlist site, and decided to add new music to my blog. And...I looked down and realized I hadn't updated this site in about four months... :(

I'll start by saying this: Yay Rose Bowl trip! You know you support a really good football team when you have to "settle" for the Rose Bowl. Most former OMB members have never been on a Rose Bowl trip. Now, a little less than half the band will be experiencing their second trip to Pasadena, complete with a 22-hour day...yikes.

Of course, none of that was set in stone until we won a little football game called the Pac-12 Championship. It was the first time such a game had been played in the Pac-12, and we got to host it at Autzen! Even better, we got to host a visiting band - the UCLA Bruin Marching Band - and we're all pretty much best friends now. :)

Now, time to take on finals week and then winter break before heading down to Pasadena! :)

My feelings on facial hair.

(Note: This blog post was spawned from comments on a status I posted purely in a passive-aggressive burst of inspiration. My roommate was all pissy because the shower wasn't completely clean - I had dumped the mop bucket and tried without success to rinse out the tub - yet JUST THE PREVIOUS DAY I woke up to stubble all over the counter. And before that I had cleaned the bathroom floor, which featured a corner by the tub that was covered in hair from an entirely different male region that was stuck to the floor with layers of soap scum. But that's a different subject. Anyway...)

In general: I'm not a fan of facial hair. I prefer clean-shaven guys. However, this is a generalization, and like all generalizations, there are exceptions to the rule.

Some guys just look better with a little stubble. Others are suited best by a full, glorious beard. However, I draw a firm line at the people I see every day around town who grow their beards out to a foot or more and then let them get all matted and scraggly. Some of them may be homeless. Some of them are not.

I've also had the experience of kissing guys both with and without stubble. I definitely prefer smooth faces. It just feels nicer. Although, I try not to think about it being "smooth as a baby's bottom" as they say. It just seems less sexy after that thought enters your mind.

As strong as my opinion is in favor of smooth-faced guys, I will admit that the rugged look deserves some credit. But in that case, you can't half-ass it. You have to be dedicated from start to finish. And don't even try it if you know it's going to be all patchy and gross looking. Uneven stubble is never attractive.

Finally, I'm just going to state that this is my personal opinion. Guys, if you want to grow your beard out and your woman is cool with it, more power to you. Just keep it looking good.

And for the love of God, wipe your damn stubble off the counter after you shave.

This post is dedicated to Evan C. Paul, a GTF at the University of Oregon School of Music, who possesses the most epic beard I've ever seen.

I need to write.

I know I could be using this time to catch up on sleep. I probably should be using this time to catch up on sleep. But I've had so much on my mind lately, and no one I can really discuss it with. So...I guess I'll just send it out into the world.

Honestly...I'm still not sure what to make of this whole becoming an aunt thing. Yes, I've had almost three weeks to process this reality. But the truth is, I'm not ready. Not only that, but it's like my entire world has been shaken up again.

My mom and stepdad were hard on me during high school. It wasn't until my junior year that I was allowed to just casually hang out with my friends, dating was out of the question (not that anyone at my high school was worth pursuing back then anyway) and we all knew the reaction if any of us ever came home knocked up or having knocked someone else up.

Fast forward a few years. My stepbrother had multiple girlfriends throughout high school, and is now living ("in sin," some would say, although I guess the fact that they're both committed and Christian makes it somehow okay...?) with his girlfriend of a couple years. My parents have gone from telling us no dating whatsoever to trying to set me up with whatever males they can remember the names of (well, not literally, but they'll ask me, "What about [insert name here]? He's a nice guy, hard worker, goes to church.")

But the thing is, I would much rather be single for the rest of my life than be forced to spend the rest of my life with some stereotypical "nice church boy." Every social experience I've EVER had via church has been a COMPLETE nightmare. I've never made lasting friends there, and I'm definitely not going to go hunting for a man there. Hell, my ex was a "nice church boy" and look where that ended up. Clearly, that particular demographic and I don't get along.

And now, my sister's knocked up. By some guy she's been dating for a couple of months. And surprisingly, my parents...are okay with it. At least that's how it seems.

It's like, everything I've ever been told, every expectation, has been blown out of the water. Completely.

And then what makes it SO MUCH BETTER is my mom, posting photos on her Facebook wall of all the happy couples in the family...oh wait, one of these things is most definitely NOT like the other.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want a guy for the sake of having an accessory that also doubles as a cuddle buddy on cold winter nights. That's one of the most horrible reasons I can think of, other than money and a few other things, to be with someone. I will be single until I reach the ends of the earth. But I'm tired of the side-by-side comparisons with me and my siblings. It's like saying, "Look who's doing it right. And then look who's FAAAAAAILING."

And most of all, I'm tired of the double standards.

Guess who just sold a book on Amazon.

And guess whether said book is currently in a convenient place for me to grab it and put it in my backpack to await mailing tomorrow.

The book has been listed since June. For A MONTH AND A HALF it sat in various piles around my old bedroom. Easy to trip over, but also easy to extract the one book I needed at any given time.

Instead, it sold today, when all of my books are currently in boxes at the bottom of a pile of boxes in the living room. Next to the wall, i.e., the least convenient place they could possibly be.

Oh well…at least it’s money.

Summer reading!

So, since I got a little sidetracked on my last reading list, I decided to start a new one. I figure I'll write down books as I read them.

The Debutante by Kathryn Williams (finished 6/2/2011)



Make Lemonade by Virginia Euwer Wolff (finished 6/4/2011)



True Believer by Virginia Euwer Wolff (finished 6/5/2011)



This Full House by Virginia Euwer Wolff (finished 6/9/2011)



Girls on the Verge by Vendela Vida (finished 6/14/2011)



The Experts' Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do created by Samantha Ettus (finished 6/17/2011)

New blog!

My new college-life blog is an attempt to get back into regular blogging and chronicle my last year of college.

Read more here.

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Today I attended the memorial service for fallen Eugene Police Department officer Chris Kilcullen, who was shot by a 56-year-old woman during a traffic stop April 22. It was a sad day for Eugene, for Oregon and for law enforcement personnel everywhere, but the memorial proved to be a fitting tribute to a man who would later be described as the nicest, most respectful person to ever give someone a speeding ticket.

The memorial started with a lengthy procession from Autzen Stadium to Matthew Knight Arena, which the University of Oregon had graciously donated for the service. The procession included more than 400 vehicles from more than 50 law enforcement agencies from around Oregon, as well as four federal agencies and 11 from outside the state of Oregon.

Inside the arena, a slideshow of photos of Chris Kilcullen was playing on the video board as music played. After a short wait, the service began with an announcement about the nature of the ceremony, explaining the honors and traditions that would be involved. This was a nice gesture and made me, as a civilian, feel more comfortable with the atmosphere.

Several people spoke, including a few of Kilcullen's colleagues at EPD. The anecdotes ranged from tear-inducing recollections from Chief Pete Kerns, to humorous and emotional memories from several fellow officers.

Fellow motorcycle cop, John Risko, shared many nicknames Chris had received over the years, including several off-color ones that elicited laughs from the crowd. Starting with $5 in quarters, he handed one to a fellow EPD officer every time he used profanity.

"If I offend any kids in the room, I apologize," he said. "If I offend any adults...tough shit," he added, before placing a shiny quarter in the palm of his colleague.

"When I was spot on with a derogatory comment - which was most of the time," he said, before giving up another quarter, "Chris would just smile and say, 'John, you dick.'"

Another officer, Scott Dillon, directed the final words of his speech to Kilcullen himself, a 1986 UO graduate and avid Duck fan.

"Chris, you put in a time off request for one of this year's football games," he said. "As far as I know, it got denied. You better show up."

The rest of the memorial included another slideshow set to music by Linkin Park and Rob Zombie, alluding to Kilcullen's energetic, active nature, followed by the ceremonial presentation of folded American flags not only to Kilcullen's wife, Kristie, but to his two daughters as well. Chris's father John spoke about the gentle nature of his son but also mentioned his mischievous side with an anecdote from when Chris decided to visit his younger sister, Colby, at her middle-school dance. The then-teenage Colby was "mortified" to see two uniformed officers show up at her school asking for her.

As a bit of "payback" for that night, as well as an illustration of Kilcullen's easygoing demeanor, Colby shared a video she had recently taken with her phone of her brother playing the Nintendo Wii game "Just Dance." Laughter filled the arena as Kilcullen's crazy cheerleader-like movements played on the video board.

After the traditional playing of "Taps" and "Amazing Grace," the silence of the arena was broken by the crackling of a female police dispatcher's voice, as if over a police scanner.

“Last call for One Mary 18,” the voice said, referring to Kilcullen in dispatcher code (motorcycle cops are known as "Mary Units.")

After receiving no response from the officer, she continued: “All units be advised. One Mary 18 is secure. He may be gone, but he is not forgotten. Rest in peace, Chris. Rest in peace.”

Overall, the day was filled with respect and dignity for one of Eugene's finest men in blue, as well as for the rest of those whose job it is to keep our communities safe every day.

Also, it's worth noting that in addition to the officers who came from all over the region to attend the memorial, several other nearby agencies, including Oregon State Police, Lane County Sheriff, Springfield Police, Cottage Grove Police and Florence Police, lent personnel to help cover EPD's jurisdiction during the service and ensure the local community remained safe throughout the day while allowing as many EPD officers as possible to attend the service.

RIP Officer Kilcullen. I may not have gotten the chance to meet you in person, but after today, I feel like I would have loved to know you.

Stuff Americans Like: Royal Weddings

The monograms kind of look like they spell "WIZ."

It's been interesting to see the obsession lately with the royal wedding. Especially because it seems that Americans are making a much bigger deal about it than the people who actually reside in the country where the wedding is taking place.
Maybe you don't plan to follow every second of the festivities, but don't want to be completely out of the loop when all the news feeds on Facebook/Twitter/whatever else blows up for six hours with news on every detail. And maybe, like me, you're a poor college student who decided to prioritize eating over paying for cable.

Luckily, there are not one, but TWO live streams (one from ABC, one from FOX) embedded here for your viewing pleasure.

Best wishes to the bride and groom on their special day!

Spring break reading :)

(finished 3/21/2011)



(finished 4/8/2011)

bobrauschenbergamerica

photo by Ivar Vong, Oregon Daily Emerald

The play opened last night and runs through March 12. It's pretty cool.