Forever alone.

That's me.

And I guess that's how life works out.

I've hit a wall.

I can't even stand being home anymore.
I have no money.
I have no job, or any hope of getting one.
Coincidentally, I'm staring at bills (which will be more expensive once my roommates leave) and later on, student loans. Which I'll never be able to pay off.
I'm constantly stressed, and all of my time that isn't spent actually paying bills is worrying about where the money's going to come from for the next round.
I don't even have a dog anymore.

There's no way out.

Adventure is Timeless

Adventure is Timeless by soyperiodista789 featuring round toe shoes

Tailored pieces, classic neutral palette and a mix of textures with pops of red create a practical look for anyone.

music music music

This year, I've been fortunate to have many opportunities to learn, practice and perform music.

I've been involved with the Oregon Marching Band for the past four years. During that time I've played the fight song hundreds of times, learned 13 field shows (including three different pregames), traveled to 8 away games (including a better bowl game every year), switched instruments and put in thousands of hours of rehearsal time. It's been heaven and hell, sometimes at the same time.

I've participated in the Oregon Campus Band at least one term every year since my freshman year. This is the first year I've done it in the same term as OMB, which makes Wednesdays extra long. It's a fun group with no drama and very low stress, and plenty of opportunities to gain experience on other instruments.

This year, I joined the Oregon Symphonic Band for the first time during my college career. It's definitely a step up from any other group I've ever participated in, but rehearsals move quickly and efficiently and it's a fun group of musicians to play with.

Next term, I'll be performing at men's basketball games (as well as some women's games) with the Oregon Basketball Band, along with many of the people I know from OMB. I loved basketball band in high school, and I tend to start pining for marching season about the middle of winter term, so maybe this group will help ease the inevitable withdrawal pain? :)

Halloween 2010

Note: I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been very busy with school and marching band. Hopefully I can get back on some sort of regular posting schedule soon.

Here's some pretty pictures for you!

Finally updating this thing.

You know, because I haven't posted anything here in like a month.

So yeah. September was busy. I had something marching-band related (often more than one something) every week. Between the pickup game, the Civil War auction, the leadership retreat, the work day, band camp, a game, more band camp, band council and school year rehearsals - before another game this weekend. All while I'm going to four other classes. Oy.

Basically, for the next four months, my life revolves around school and marching band. And trivia. Yay trivia.

Speaking of trivia, I'm super excited that Ashlyn's coming back this weekend AND that she can stay for trivia! I'm hoping to see her a bunch between...what else? Marching band events!

Any surprise that I'm typing this update from the School of Music? :P

Pick-Up Game

September 4, 2010.

aka the official start to the Duck football season.

aka the first game on a brand-new field.

aka the day New Mexico died.

72-0. What a game.

And...I saw it all in person.

Reasons to stay single (aka my vitriolic, private written rant from last night)

I enjoy being able to make decisions without having to consult an “other half.”

I love being able to go out when I want to and have fun without having to feel guilty about not being home with someone else.*

*Don't worry. I still get home in time to snuggle with Bear before bed.

I don’t feel obligated to do cutesy coupley stuff. Breakfast in bed? No thanks, I’ll get myself a poptart.

I can go to Winco and blow $20 or $30 on candy* without first having a lengthy discussion about whether I have “permission” to do so.

*I don't ACTUALLY do this. I'm just saying I could if I wanted to and had disposable income like that.

I can spend my own money. On me. I don’t have to argue with someone about how money from a joint bank account* is being spent.

*Which, by the way, is something I would NEVER, EVER recommend.** Especially if you’re not married. ESPECIALLY if you’re not even engaged. It just sets you up for all kinds of trouble. If you’re committed enough to share things like money, you’re committed enough to put a ring on it.

**My parents don't endorse this either.

I can hang out with male friends with absolutely no guilt.

Most of all, MY LIFE IS MY OWN. I can make my own decisions. I shouldn’t have to feel like someone is controlling me, either directly by refusing to let me do something or psychologically by trying to make me feel inferior.

Sorry to spoil your fun, but you’re not going to make me feel like I’m less than you because I’m not joined at the hip with someone else. You are, however, going to make me bitter and angry at you.

(via hyperboleandahalf)

I shoot for the moon, but I'm too busy gazin' at stars.

So yeah, this week has been crazy and fantastic.

Winning trivia on Tuesday.

A fun night out with friends on Wednesday.

Selling six books on Amazon, for a total of more than $100.

A job interview scheduled for next Wednesday.

Not being sick anymore.

:)

(Eminem, "Not Afraid")

My senses come alive

So yeah. Someone who shall not be named blocked me on Facebook again, most likely because of a stupid online discussion of an issue he can’t possibly understand.

He’s done this before, and he was the one who requested me back last time. Not that I really mind either way. I know who my true friends are.

Right now I have bigger things to worry about. Getting my life in order, getting a job, staying happy and healthy, being the kind of friend my friends want and need.

So I welcome this break. And the joke’s on him.

Also, I have a really good idea for something I want to do for one of my friends. Well…I want to do this for all my friends eventually. But I’ll start with this one. :)

I got the idea on SixBillionSecrets.com. Someone posted a secret in which they told about how they keep a list of all the things they like about their friend, who’s struggling with depression and the self-loathing that can come with it. That friend has a truly amazing birthday gift coming to them.

I’m really excited to start this project. :)

(Miranda Cosgrove, "Sparks Fly")

I'm 21!

Underestimate and swim.

I can't wait to move.

I mean, I love my friends, but I'm getting really tired of either having to be around couplefests in my living room or having to leave home to be comfortable.

It really bothers me when I see people in relationships who ALWAYS. HAVE. TO DO EVERYTHING. AS A UNIT. They wake up at the same time, they eat every meal together, they go everywhere either together by themselves or with other couples who they can relate to and talk about stupid couple-y shit like "we've been trying to have sex, but he claims to have no sex drive and I'm afraid to break him" or "whenever he kisses me, he always tries to stick his tongue in my mouth, isn't that cute?"

Gag.

And then they go to bed together. It's always we, never "I." Because they've completely lost their ability to be themselves. Which disgusts me more than I can express in words.

This may be an extremely radical and biased opinion. But that's how I see it. And if any guy EVER tries to pull that overbearing crap with me, I will kick him to the curb. I'd rather be single than a doormat. Any day of the week.

(Superchic(k), "One Girl Revolution")

Maybe I'm meant to be single forever.

Because I love being able to be independent way too much.

When I look around me at all the people I know who are in relationships, I see nothing I want and almost everything I would never want in a million years.

A couple of days ago, StumbleUpon found a site with a story about the differences between men and women. One of them said something along the lines of how you'll rarely hear a man say "I have to check with [insert name of wife/girlfriend here] first" because the man doesn't want to feel like his decisions are controlled, especially not by a woman. Conversely, women love to be able to say "I have to check with [insert name of husband/boyfriend here]" because they like to show off how intertwined her life is with her partner's.

I see this all the time with my friends. My roommates can't do ANYTHING without consulting the other. Which to me sounds way too restricting. Who wants to be involved with something that completely strips you of your own identity? Who would want a life where everything depends on the other person giving you permission?

Also, I recently found a site that suggested that women's dress should reflect both what you're divinely being told to do and "what the husband prefers." Again, you lose all identity and all freedom to choose for yourself.

Um, no thanks.

Special announcement!

After a nearly yearlong hiatus, I finally updated another one of my blogs, The Best Free Stuff Ever! It will eventually be full of tips and tricks for living well on a budget, as well as keeping the influx of bargains and freebies under control.

Enjoy!

Let's make a fast plan, watch it burn to the ground...

I'm supposed to have a job by tomorrow.

Which is looking less and less likely when 1) half of the people I know are competing for the same jobs; 2) it seems like everyone hiring is looking for a year or two of very specific experience, aka my year of general office experience is barely useful and my copy editing experience is meaningless; and 3) lots of people still aren't hiring because of the economy.

Also, I'm pretty sure those stupid personality surveys in 90% of the applications I've filled out are designed to weed me out of any potential work, because I'm failing every single one of them.

Meanwhile, I need to be able to insure a car, move into an apartment and eat within the next two weeks.

I have hit the end.

(She Wants Revenge, "These Things")

Here it goes again...

I'm tired of being strung along for a while by various people, and then dropped when they decided they're not bored anymore.

I think I'm just done trying.

Could you be my yellow when I'm feeling gray?

Why do men have to make life so miserable?

I don't even want a relationship so much as I want to feel loved. Cared about. Important to someone other than me.

I want someone who I can be excited about being with. Someone who isn't afraid to do what it takes to help me feel good.

Sigh...so much for that.

(Daniel Merriweather, "Could You")

(insert profound song lyric here)

Because right now, I can't think of one, and I don't want to force anything into being a title. It has to flow naturally. It has to be the song that makes its way into my mind and refuses to leave.

I'm completely lost right now.

I feel like such an awful person. I can't bring myself to completely ignore people, so the only other option is for me to be labeled as a creeper.

I feel another friendship dissolving right under the eggshells I find myself walking on so I don't get myself in trouble...again.

I was looking forward to a happy summer. Instead, I'm jobless, constantly being compared to my siblings or other family members, and more and more people seem to hate me every day.

I look at my siblings, then I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell went wrong. My sister, who nearly didn't graduate high school, is leaving next week for basic training for the Navy. So of course everyone's proud of her.

And my step brother...has a job, has a girlfriend, has his own vehicle that he can afford to insure himself. So of course everyone's proud of him, they hold him up as a model for everyone else to emulate, they openly applaud everything from how he has his life under control to how even though he's finally committed to ONE girl, he's still doing the responsible thing and waiting until after they're both done with school before they get married.

Then they turn to me and say, "Have you considered match.com?"

Grrrrrr...this is why I'm going to drink...after I turn 21 that is...

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

So... I didn't get to sleep until after 4 a.m.

I can't stop thinking.

And yet I'm awake and out of bed by 11 and not feeling too terrible.

I want my music.

(Imogen Heap, "Hide and Seek")

Around my head it goes, a magic melody...

So I'm hanging out in the SOM because I figured I'd be spending enough time in my apartment tonight as it is.

I'm in the Foo Lounge and I can hear the summer term symphonic band playing. I wish more than almost anything that I could be a part of it. But I can't afford the credit, therefore I can't register for the class.

I miss being part of an ensemble. High school was awesome. I pulled out some of the music I saved from high school and played it while I was in the practice room. Those were good times. Those were happier times.

When I ran into Dr. Paul in the hallway, he said hi and asked how I was doing. I don't even think he knows my name. I've never taken a class from him. Still it was nice. It made me feel like I sort of belonged in the building.

Sigh...I want band back.

(ATC, "Around The World")

You never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb...

I just want something to go right for once.

I want to be able to have a friendship that can turn into something more without things having to become awkward later on.

When you say "we're still friends," I want to believe you.

When I'm willing to understand you, preferring to have you instead of what the world defines as perfection, I just want to know it was worth it.

I want my friends back.

(Avenue Q, "There's a Fine, Fine Line")

I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry...

The world must be coming to an end. I did, after all, use lyrics from an artist whom I absolutely can't stand. From her most painful, cliched song, no less.

However, I think it pretty much describes my role right now.

I'm always willing to listen, to provide a shoulder to cry on, to reassure you that everything's going to be ok.

The problem is, I don't think I'll ever be more than that to anyone.

I'm too good at being a good friend.

I guess I just really hate seeing the people I love and care about being hurt by people who they love and care about. They come to me because they have no other way to vent their hurt and frustration.

And I take that on. Willingly. Happily.

I just wish my life was more...balanced. That I can continue being the one people go to for help, but that I can also have something that doesn't go from a friendship to an awkward mixed signals situation.

I don't know if that will ever happen. Or if it even can.

But whatever. I need to go to sleep soon.

Here's to another day of what will likely be disappointment. Especially since I'm going to the SOM tomorrow for some much-needed chill time, which also happens to be the territory of the primary people who are making me sad at the moment.

Here goes nothing.

(Taylor Swift, "You Belong With Me")

There's nothing to see here, people, keep moving on...

When faced with the choice between the risky, dangerous friendships and the people with perfect lives who look down on you for not having what they have...

I will choose danger.

Every. Time.

Sorry to those who I'm disappointing. I know you enjoyed having me as your bitch.

Cordially,
Nicole

(She Wants Revenge, "These Things")

They'll tar you and drag you through town...

Blog coming soon.

I'm pissed.

At almost everyone.

Except Ashley, Danny and Alitia. You guys are amazing and I love you.

(Cake, "End of the Movie")

And if that day is not enough, maybe we can stay in touch...

My room is strangely empty. Maybe a month ahead of time is a bit early to start packing, seeing as I'm moving about 150 feet away.

I'm craving company. And I wish I was comfortable enough with some people (i.e., thinking about them doesn't make me ill) to talk to them. Because there are quite a few people that I really miss.

I want a cuddle buddy. Bess and Brian are great at that, but still. It feels borrowed. Like, I get love from them all the time, but somehow it doesn't seem like it's completely mine.

I want to watch Braveheart. I want to make tea. I want to go for a walk. But it's too late to do any of that stuff tonight.

Sigh...it's going to be a long night.

(Arkarna, "So Little Time")

I love my sunny day, dream of far away, dreaming on my pillow in the morning...

The rant I had planned might need to wait.

Because I'm in a pretty good mood right now.

And also, despite all of the crappy "friends" I've had in the past, I have some amazing ones right now.

And Call of Duty is awesome. :)

(Pilot, "Magic")

I will say, though...

I am really liking the whole song lyrics as titles thing.

Thanks to Hollis for the idea, I hope you don't mind. :)

Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn? Don't I get a dream for myself?

So, I'm definitely feeling another rant coming on.

But I really have to make it to the post office so I can get my books mailed by today.

So, it will have to wait until later.

But it will happen.

Because damn it. I'm frustrated right now.

("Rose's Turn", from the musical Gypsy)

A different tree now lines the streets, shaking its fists in the air...

So yeah...

A bunch of my friends graduated today. I'm glad I got to see a couple of them, but sad that I didn't have a chance to see others.

I'm realizing, yet again, that I'm too nice to people who hurt me. Which sucks, because I don't think I can be friends with some of these people anymore.

I'm tired of friendships not working.

I need to pack.

I need a job.

I need to get the hell out of this apartment.

I need to get away and be alone.

(Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "People Ain't No Good")

Ode To The Nice Guys

This is why I love StumbleUpon. Well, one of many, many reasons. But it's good reading, and very relevant to the culture we live in today. According to SU, this rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

Leo, I can't send you letters anymore...

Whoa.

So I reread some of my recent blog posts, and I had to go back quite a ways before I found one that wasn't angsty.

Maybe it's because I haven't written in a while, but I found it sort of depressing. Especially because I feel that things have improved a bit since the last time I blogged.

Yes, I'm still irritated with certain people. Yes, things are still really frustrating, with school and life and money and all that crap. Maybe it's time to cut ties with a few people. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Wow, my life is full of maybes lately.

But at the same time, I've been pleasantly surprised by more than a few people, people who I didn't expect to be nice to me. People who I was originally at odds with.

It's kind of nice.

(Christina Robert, "Letters I Never Wrote") <-- one of my good friends from OMB! :)

Both now and in the years to be, a never-failing loyalty.

So yeah, retreat pretty much exceeded my expectations.

Random children crashing the BBQ, lots of joking around, the traditional piñata and actually accomplishing some things made for a memorable afternoon.

And, possibly more significantly, I came away from this retreat with a renewed spirit. For the first time in a long time I truly felt happy to be a member of band council, and I'm excited for what we as a council and we as a band can and will accomplish this coming year.

Things may not be perfect, and some things may never change. But when everyone makes the most of what they're given, the results are often greater than the sum of the parts.

I can't wait for this year.

(John Stark Evans, composer, "Oregon Pledge Song")

to our love let all the jilted lovers cry

I'm frustrated, angry, upset, hurt, depressed, sad, enraged, betrayed and confused.

All at once.

Nothing is going right anymore. I have no clue what I'm going to do when I graduate in a couple years. I don't feel qualified to do anything. Hell, I'd probably miss out on working at McDonald's because that's how things go for me.

I'm officially out of opportunities to make something of myself in band. I'm on band council, but I'm pretty much a nobody there. I'm tired of certain people bitching at me all the time. And I can't talk to anyone about it because they'll automatically assume things that aren't accurate or even true. I've already pissed off one person tonight. I'm sure as hell not taking it up with Jake or Amanda. I guess my option is to just leave quietly. I probably won't even be missed.

And I'm tired of being the good friend and then having it backfire. Whether it's comforting someone in a time of emotional need or inviting a friend over so he isn't wandering the streets inebriated in the middle of the night, I thought I was doing what any good friend would. But then I get discarded.

I hate the world tonight. But I need to go to bed because I need to wake up early to work on a project, for which my group is meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow.

Screw comm law. Another thing for me to hate.

(Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "People Ain't No Good")

You stir up emotions in a blender, everything in disarray...

I'm really tired of people hurting me.

I know that's part of life, and I even know that shit happens to a lot of people more often than it should.

But I'm having a hell of a time trying to figure out who my real friends are and who's just along for the ride while it's convenient, but then suddenly disappears when I need them.

Especially when some of them bounce back and forth between both categories by the day.

I want another tuba buddy hug. From either of them would be nice, although I know one of them is much more likely than the other, which at this point is nearly impossible.

But he's probably off doing something right now with someone else. Or sleeping. I hope he's sleeping.

My God I am paranoid.

Maybe this is why I don't deserve friends. I'm just too damn volatile.

Sigh...

(Sígur Rós, "Ara Batur/The Row Boat")

when there's nothing left.

I've reached a point where people hurting me is normal and people being nice is a rarity.

Two years ago, I thought the best course of action for my personal happiness was to find someone as soon as possible. But at the moment, the mere idea of men makes me want to stab someone.

It starts by me wanting to be nice and helpful. A good friend. And ends with hurt and anger and confusion.

Effing tubas. They can burn in hell.

I didn't mean that. I'm just really angry right now.

I don't even know who my real friends are anymore. Too many people have taken advantage of me lately.

I need out of here.

maybe it's time for me to move on.

I'm running out of opportunities to stand out.
I feel doomed to a life of mediocrity and anonymity.

Maybe I should switch to tuba this year. I had planned to do it next year, but I'm quickly losing excitement for being in the baritone section. It could be fun. But it could also be a term of hell, which I want to avoid if it kills me.

Katie won't be happy. But maybe it's time I stopped pleasing other people.

Save the Molalla River Middle School Band and Choir!

Check out this video by my cousin Kaila, a MRMS student and band member for three years.



Also check out this blog by the band, as well as this Facebook group created by Kaila.

I'm extremely impressed at the commitment these students have to this cause. Even though they're in middle school, they clearly care about their music programs, and it would be a shame to see these opportunities be taken away from them.

I hear the ticking of the clock, I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark...

I want off this roller coaster. The ride's not fun anymore.
Every time it seems that things are finally going great, something ridiculous gets thrown into the mix to make things terrible again.
Like last night.

Last night was the campus band concert. It was bittersweet.
On the one hand, it was the culmination of eight weeks of work.
On the other hand...campus band's over now.
Until next year, a new year, a new term, with a new GTF to take the place of David Vickerman.
And I love campus band.
It's been the highlight of my week. It's what made Wednesday my favorite day of the week, even though it also happened to be the longest.
I'd leave my apartment at 9:40, knowing that I wouldn't see it again until after 10 that night.
But I also knew that whatever stress, whatever worry, whatever bad things had entered my life that week, could be set aside for two blessed hours while my friends and I got together and did what we love: making music.
Hell, I could get out of a particularly stressful gospel choir rehearsal and then just a half hour later everything would be good again, if only for a little while.

The concert was a magical moment.
We did our performance. We made mistakes, we might have been a little out of tune.
But as far as being completely and truly happy, it was perfect.
Afterward, I stuck around for Brass Ensemble.
When they played "Fanfare for the Common Man," I'm sure I stopped breathing.
I still can't listen to that piece without thinking of Mr. Elliott.
In my mind, that will always be his song.
Then they finished with Star Wars, and my feelings during that piece can only be described using inappropriate references.
So I'll just say it was amazing.

I got home late that night, checked my email and found my financial aid award letter.
I'm not getting nearly the same amount of money I got this year.
Taking into consideration tuition increases, I'm in about the same situation I was in last year.
Which means...I'm in over my head.
Now, in addition to completing 21 credits without crashing and burning during the next three weeks, I also have to search for jobs, save money and figure out how the hell I'm going to get through summer, let alone next year.
Shit.
I have no idea what I'm going to do.
I barely slept last night.
I'm barely going to sleep tonight.
I don't think I'll ever sleep again.

I wish I had someone to help me relax.
Unfortunately, I don't have a tuba buddy anymore. =(

I'm alone.

(Heart, "Alone")

I hate the world today.

And I'm not completely sure why. The list of reasons could strangle an elephant.

Maybe I'll rant later.

(Meredith Brooks, "Bitch")

How can I get you alone?

I know you told me to stop the deep thinking, because I do it way too much and it makes me feel like crap every time (and occasionally gets me into all kinds of trouble.)

But I need to do it now. A lot of it. And I wish I felt more comfortable talking to you so you can talk some sense into me. You never mince words, you never beat around the bush. You tell it like it is, even if it's what I don't want to hear. And ultimately I feel better because of it.

I'm apprehensive about marching band next year. On the one hand, I love it. It's the most fulfilling, enduring constant force in my life since I started college. It's kept me connected to the music that I love. I've met so many people through it. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of heartbreak on occasion, but in the end I keep coming back.

Although now I'm not so sure.

I'm running out of ideas for trying to make a positive contribution to the group. Being just a member of the band isn't enough, because I know I'm willing and able to make a greater, more meaningful contribution. Being on band council helps a little, although being just a member of the general assembly still feels like I'm being held back. But it's all I can do.

I tried to get into KKPsi at the suggestion of Bess, who joined BSU's chapter, and...didn't get a bid. I did, however, get a mass email last week from them seeking prospective members to be part of the gamma class. Um, no thanks. I'm not going to go through rush again so I can be rejected again. And I know I'm going to be rejected again, because I'm not close enough friends with anyone currently in the fraternity. Whatever.

So, what now? Other than the possibility of switching to tuba for my fifth year (which I REALLY want to do), I'm not sure what else I'm going to be able to do. The one thing that gave my college experience meaning is starting to fail me, to the point where I don't know where I belong anymore.

I need my tuba buddy back. I need to talk to him.

creativity strikes!

Maybe it's because I have one of two "boring" classes each of four days of the school week. But with eight hours of essentially free thinking time, plus the time I spend hanging out in the SOM, that's a lot of hours to ponder creative possibilities.

I want to try so many things. I'm learning new instruments, trying to get better at photography, doodling in the margins of my notebook. I have neon-colored fabric spray paint waiting to be applied to a white T-shirt once I plan out a design. I've been wanting to try out some things in Photoshop. I want to make some videos set to some songs.

Once this term's over and I have less to stress out about, I think I'm in for an interesting time of exploration and creativity.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to be anymore, and that's scary.

First off, you don't have to read this. I won't be mad if you don't. But I'm just putting things out in the open because I can't hold them in any longer. It's like I'm being torn apart from the inside out.

First off, it really pisses me off when I'm expected to keep secrets for people with the understanding that we're still friends, and then things change. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely open to hearing whatever problems you have, whatever's on your mind, and you can rest assured that I won't tell anyone else. But I'm tired of being strung along with the idea that we're friends, and then having shit happen to make things not ok, and then being blamed for the situation going wrong. There are a handful of you who already know about this situation.

Second, it's getting harder and harder to be home. This applies to any of the places I've called "home" this year. In the case of my "home" in Newberg, things are getting less and less stable as my stepdad prepares to sell the house and move up to Alaska, where my mom has been for the past three weeks. Once that happens, things are going to change drastically. And my parents don't seem to get it. My mom keeps trying to reassure me by telling me that I'm more than welcome to join them in Alaska after I graduate. (This is, of course, with the assumption that I'll be done with school by next June, which looks a lot more possible now than it did a month ago, but is still unlikely given the fact that I may end up changing majors -- still trying to figure out this decision. More on that below.) Of course, this is with their romanticized notion that a job's existence meand that I'm immediately qualified for it. Yes, I'm aware that there's a newspaper on Kodiak Island. No, that doesn't mean I'm going to be able to work there, or that I even want to -- I'm discovering more and more every day that I might not even want to have anything to do with newspaper writing anymore, thanks to Reporting 1 (aka the bane of my existence, worse than info hell, you get the picture.)

As for "home" here in Eugene, and I know a lot of people are going to respond to this with "What did I tell you?" but I'm finding out just how complicated living with a couple can be. Yes, there are clear benefits to this, the most visible one being a mere $230 in rent, which is almost unheard of for an apartment this nice, in a convenient location. But, the difficulties are starting to outweigh the benefits. I'm starting to solidify my conviction that people should not be acting "married" before they're actually married, or at the very minimum, engaged. Not dating. Not just "in a relationship." And all of the crap I've observed -- one person not being able to make decisions without consulting the other, the "Making Marriage Work" DVD that showed up in our living room one day -- is only strengthening my own desire for independence, which is a tough prospect considering I have "honey" this, "honey" that, mushy bullshit being rubbed in my face all the time.

And it's getting more and more clear that I'm more and more of the third wheel. At the beginning of the year, Brian and I had joint responsibility for the apartment. Legally, on paperwork, adding Bess's name to the lease should have only given her some responsibility as well, NOT shifted it so that Brian's in charge, with Bess as his "pseudo-wife" also in charge and me having no power in any situation and therefore being expected to follow Brian's rules. WHICH WILL NOT BE HAPPENING. I will move out before I get walked on. I'm his roommate, not his child.

While all this is going on, I'm still very much in the process of trying to figure out where I can fit in and thrive in the world. I don't stand out in any particular way. I'm not the person whom you can easily pick out of a crowd. Most people probably wouldn't notice if I just escaped to Alaska and never came back.

I'm discovering, as the year goes on, that I'm not cut out for journalism anymore. Even as sure as I was before I left high school -- so sure, in fact, that I declared my major and had my concentration pretty much set in stone before my freshman year at UO -- now I don't know. But it's too late to change now. I'm a junior in college. Any sort of change at this point would guarantee me another year or two of college, more if I were to pick one of the majors that takes a full four years to complete. So unless anyone has any insight, I'm pretty much stuck limping through another year of journalism, graduating somewhere in the middle of my class. And I don't have any sort of "thing" that would make me stand out from everyone else. I'm not good enough at what I do to pursue an internship, I can't write for an on-campus publication because interviewing scares the crap out of me, and I don't have any special skills. So, I'm basically trying to survive instead of being able to get as much as possible out of my time here.

I need to figure my life out. I need answers. I need to catch a break. Unfortunately, I don't have time for that last one.

LTD...I love you, but sometimes I wonder.

This year, I'm fortunate enough to live on a bus line that serves the UO campus an average of two times an hour on school days, with up to five pickups outside my apartment complex during the "morning rush" hour of 9-10 a.m. and often with two buses making the 9:39 trip to campus -- the last one before my class starts at 10.

Figures, the day I have a midterm at 10 (meaning, I can't just miss class) is the day that the overflowing 9:39 bus, with its "Not In Service" sign glowing mockingly, passed by the stop at the corner of MLK at Kinsrow. The driver threw up his hands in defeat, like he couldn't believe it either, while still communicating the fact that unless we could make it to campus under our own power in less than 20 minutes, we were screwed.

The group of roughly 50 students, suddenly left without a ride to campus, sort of looked at each other and commented on the injustice of the situation. A few broke from the line and began walking to campus via the bike path that passes by Autzen Stadium. I went back to my apartment and retrieved my bike, and somehow I made it to campus, out of breath, with five minutes to spare.

In LTD's defense, they do a pretty good job considering the transit district is having a rough time economically. They've made service cuts year after year, with more routes on the chopping block for next year, including the Breeze shuttle which connects campus with Eugene Station, the 5th Street Public Market, the downtown post office and Valley River Center. At the same time, the ASUO, which pays LTD more than $100,000 per year (coming from student incidental fees), is faced with the dilemma of raising the I-fee to provide more money for this contract or keeping fees low enough for students to afford.

At the same time, I think there should be a special emphasis on certain routes frequented by students. Many students depend on the bus to get to school and around town. University students make up a significant portion of LTD's ridership, so every effort should be made to preserve and improve routes such as the 79x, which is the only reasonable transportation option for students living in the Harlow area who don't have cars.

Maybe this situation is what it takes to support the argument for better bus service for students.

More sweet photos!

So, I did another shoot with my friend Ashlyn. This one was a concept shoot that she came up with in which whoever wanted to could come in, use a whiteboard to complete the phrase "Beauty/Happiness is..." and then use clothes/props to visually portray that idea. This project was stretched over several different shoots, in order to facilitate those who were interested but couldn't make it to a certain date.

Pics can be found here and here.

Enjoy!

Nicole

Team Coco

So, last night I, along with my OMB friend Amanda, went to see Conan O'Brien perform at the Hult Center in downtown Eugene. The show last night was the first on Conan's "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny On Television" tour.

Kristi Turnquist of The Oregonian wrote a pretty good article covering the show. I'll use this article as a basis for my own recap of the night.

The tour came about after Conan's 17-year career at NBC ended in January, when he left the network rather than give Jay Leno his time slot and push "The Tonight Show" back to 12:05 a.m. Among the conditions of his walk-away deal: Conan is legally restricted on how negatively he can talk about NBC, and he can't return to television until fall.

The aforementioned return became a reality the morning of the performance, when news broke that Conan had made a deal with TBS to have a late-night show starting in November.

The show included many classic elements from Conan's two previous late-night shows, including: Andy Richter, LaBamba and the band (minus Max Weinberg), the masturbating bear, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, "Walker Texas Ranger" (including a special guest handle-puller, Jack McBrayer from "30Rock"), and even a musical guest: Spoon, who had performed minutes before at the nearby McDonald Theatre.

Amanda and I got to the Hult around 7:45 p.m., 15 minutes before the show was scheduled to begin. The lobby was packed. After purchasing a white shirt emblazoned with "Team Coco" in orange and dark gray lettering, I entered the hall just in time to see a guy with a giant Afro going crazy with his own unique mix of voice changing, beatboxing and plenty of explicit, raunchy lyrics. Although I didn't catch his name, the Oregonian article identified the performer as Reggie Watts, who has previously performed at the Portland Institute for Contemporary Art TBA Festival.

A short intermission followed Watts. Then, the lights went down and Richter's voice made several crazy announcements. Then, the lights came up, and the band started playing and walking through the audience. The sellout crowd went nuts.

On a giant video screen above the stage, a video began to play. In it, Conan, with overgrown hair and a huge gut (reminiscent of the "strike beard", only more ridiculous), moped around the house until he got a call about a 32-city national tour. "Am I in shape? ... Yes I am!" Then followed a montage of Conan cleaning up and working out, and the video finished with him looking into the camera and saying "I'm ready. Let's do this!"

Then Conan came out. He looked pretty good, although I'm not a huge fan of the beard. The audience got to its feet, clapping, cheering and chanting his name.

He opened by welcoming the audience and announcing that he has a new job. He said starting tomorrow "I'll be the assistant manager at the Eugene Banana Republic." He asked how people felt about his beard, adding that some people think he looks like "Paul Bunyan with an eating disorder." This tour, he continued, is a "huge milestone for me," because "believe it or not, this is the first time anybody's ever paid to see me."

All of the time off, he said, allowed him to reflect and take a good look at himself. He also said he went to therapy and learned "The Five Stages of Grief Over Losing Your Talk Show," starting with denial, proceeding to "Blame Myself" and "Blame Everyone Around Me," and finally, pull yourself together and "Get your ass to Eugene, Oregon."

About halfway through the show, Conan announced that the tour needed a "wow moment" and introduced "the inflatable bat from Meatloaf's 'Bat Out of Hell' tour." After the giant bat was fully inflated and towering over the stage, Andy and Conan commented. "Look at the teeth," Conan said, in dismay, about the colored triangles that were supposed to be fangs. "It's like a used-car lot," Andy said. "That's the least threatening bat I've ever seen!" Conan added.

Another highlight was when Conan announced that he wanted to have "an intimate conversation" with the audience of more than 2,000 people. Conan would say something, and the audience responded by reading, in unison, lines shown on the video board. This resulted in Conan walking over to LaBamba and licking his face passionately, to the delight of the audience.

Near the end of the show, Conan thanked his fans for all their support, and played a cover of Cake's version of "I Will Survive." The show ended with an encore, during which Conan walked out into the audience and interacted with his fans. Four giant, bright yellow beach balls were thrown out into the audience, and it ended like one giant party.

It was, quite possibly, the best Monday night I had ever had during a school year.

everybody's watching, everybody's looking...

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

I can't stand not being able to be friends with him. Well...I guess we're still friends, but...like, I want real friendship, the kind where I'm not afraid to talk to him.

Communication is important, and right now we're not communicating.

I want clarification. I want reassurance. I want one of your big bear hugs. I want to snuggle and watch 24 without a care in the world other than the fact that I'm with one of my best friends.

I want my buddy back.

(The Juliana Hatfield 5, "Spin The Bottle")

Random inspiration strikes again. Slash, I think I feel a series coming on.

I awoke this morning (well, this afternoon...oops) to a non-functioning internet connection. After unplugging the modem several times, restarting my computer, all that fun stuff, I concluded that it wasn't gonna work for me anytime soon.

However, I still needed to do homework, so I packed up my stuff and headed over to campus to chill in the School of Music for a while.

Anyone who knows me reasonably well knows that I am a HUGE fan of the building that houses the University of Oregon School of Music. Built in the 1920s, the building recently underwent an extensive expansion/renovation project that resulted in the addition of two new wings (and increasing the size of the building by 50 percent) and the updating of existing facilities. Along with all the new amenities such as a spacious courtyard, student lounge, practice room suite, symphony-size rehearsal room and more, one of the main reasons I love this building has to be the atmosphere.

The lounge is a wonderful place to study or do homework because it's quieter than more public places such as the EMU, yet not as eerily silent as the Knight Library (which I've always found to be too quiet.) In addition, due to my involvement with the Oregon Marching Band, I rarely make a visit to the SOM without seeing at least a few friends, which adds that extra bit of happiness to my day. :) And there's usually at least a few people practicing at almost all times (the building is open Monday-Friday 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. and Saturday-Sunday 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. for all students and community members, and 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. for music majors only) which adds just the right amount of background noise.

As strong as my love affair with the music building is, it's just one of a few place on campus that I feel deserve special recognition for being awesome. So I'm thinking about starting a short series of blogs in which I highlight my favorite places on the UO campus.

I leave you with a question: Have you hugged a musician today? (Screwing a musician is optional. :P)

Tonight = WIN.

So, as promised...

After a series of complications involving both Katie's car and Josh's truck breaking down in the same afternoon, Katie picked me up. She instructed us not to speak to her because she was the chauffeur...except it was sort of hard to forget she was there when she also demonstrated very taxi driver-like driving skills.

And then...we went to the Olive Garden for dinner and talked a bunch, and then had to wait a little longer because Katie was taking a shower, Josh was on his way to pick us up and it was cold outside so we didn't want to wait. However, there was a line so eventually we had to get up from the table, and we just sort of hung out inside the door. Josh arrived, and he did a much better job of playing the silent taxi driver than Katie...

All in all, a good night. :)

I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a GOOD night, that toNIGHT'S gonna be a GOOD GOOD Ni-i-ight.

And...I can think the wonderful Katie Kinney for this one, haha.

So...Katie set me up on this blind...ish date with one of her friends who goes to OSU. I say blindish because he randomly messaged me on Facebook one day last week and we talked a little, although he didn't friend me yet because he didn't want Katie to know that he was kind of cheating the whole "blind" aspect of it.

I hope it'll be fun. I've never actually been on a real date before...Chase never really did that, and since then I haven't had more than random hanging out with male friends that turned ugly. :( So this could be interesting.

I'll post again later with what went down.

This is absolutely appalling.

It's people like this who truly give Christianity a bad name. These people are brainwashing these young children, who will likely have lifelong emotional and psychological difficulties as a result. It's really sad. These people are just sick and twisted.



The above clip is from the 2006 documentary "Jesus Camp" which follows a group of young children attending the Kids On Fire Summer Camp, a Pentecostal summer camp run by Becky Fischer. Since the film's release, the camp was shut down indefinitely.

Men will not control me.

I've thought a lot about what I want out of life. And with men on my mind quite often as of late, I've reaffirmed several values that I will NEVER compromise under any circumstances.

I WILL NOT be subservient to men. I believe women exist to complement the existence of men, not to be pushed around by them. I've seen too many instances in relationships around me, including that between my two roommates, where neither person can do ANYTHING without consulting the other. And I've decided that I never, ever want my life to be like that.

A radical stance? Perhaps. But if radical stances didn't exist, we'd still be living under rocks.

It really hit me a few months ago when Bess realized, as she was cooking dinner for Brian (aka her "honey," the most disgusting pet name of them all) so it would be ready when he got home from work, that she's turning into a housewife. Keep in mind that they're in a relationship, not married, not even engaged. This is the trap that so many women find themselves falling into. And I never want that to happen to me.

I'm sure many people will object to my thoughts, saying that "that's what love is supposed to be like" and "you should be excited about pleasing your partner." And to that I say: Bull. Shit.

There's my rant for the night.

melancholy

I reread through some old blogs tonight.

Some of them made me feel ill because they were directed toward people who are now among my best friends. However, at the time they were full of anger, full of hate, particularly toward one guy in particular.

Now, though, I realize that while I was angry with him at the time, it didn't stop him from making it up to me by being there when I needed him most. When another friend hurt me very deeply, he was there with hugs and comfort.

I was angry because he was dating one of our mutual friends, after leading me on unintentionally and before I had completely turned away from him. Now, I realize that even though that fact is part of the current situation, that doesn't change a thing about our friendship.

And after a conversation with the aforementioned mutual friend, I realized even more just how much of a genuine, sweet, caring, selfless person he really is. Any girl would be lucky to have him.

He's one of the best friends I ever had, and I'm glad he's happy.

Now, though, I'm more lost than ever. Still so many unsolved problems with so many other people. I'm tempted to just give up while I'm behind.

Gah. It's almost 2:30 a.m. I need sleep. More later. I have a feeling these are going to get a lot more frequent and emotional.

thoughts

It's the last night of spring break. A vacation from school that for me, lasted two weeks.
I got tons of time off.
And yet I still don't feel quite prepared to go back.

There's so much change happening all at once.
Mom's in Alaska.
Matt's getting ready to sell the house. Soon, I won't have a "home" anywhere nearby.
Well, there's my apartment in Eugene.
But when I go "home," it won't be home.
It will probably end up being to my grandparents' or some other relative.
Which is nice. It just isn't quite the same.

Everyone around me seems to be hooking up with people, getting engaged, getting married.
I'm still single as ever.
Not only that, but I'm afraid I'll never know what love is like.
Real, romantic love.
The kind where you're so deliriously happy just being with another person.
You can't picture yourself without that special someone in your life.
Sure, people have come into my life. I've become friends with them.
I've had long conversations, lots of hugs and comfort as I've let them into my soul.
But as soon as I have any sort of thought that maybe things could go further, things go horribly wrong and I'm left out in the cold, another friend gone for good.

Why am I so hopelessly bad at this?
Everyone else seems to be just fine.
But something about me seems to keep people as far away as they can possibly get.
Which leaves no chance for anyone new to come along.

I've been told that this time of my life, when I'm not attached to someone, should be the happiest, most carefree time of my life.
It's supposed to be a time for exploration and growth, a time to shop around and find out what exactly I'm looking for.
Instead, I'm lonely all the time.
And I'm scared that that's how things are going to be for the rest of my life.

20 randoms.

1. I love driving a lot more than I should. Crazy, considering I sucked at it until this week. I guess being in a car that's both easy to drive and cute as hell makes a difference.

2. One of my personal pet peeves is sock feet. I'm either wearing shoes, wearing slippers or barefoot. Don't ask me why.

3. I have an awesome hat collection, including a sombrero, a rice picker hat and a baseball cap that looks like it could have been plucked from the wardrobe for "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

4. I won that last hat by drinking lots of Mountain Dew.

5. Dollar Tree does for me in Newberg what the Green Acres Goodwill does for me in Eugene. Retail therapy with minimal guilt.

6. As of this afternoon, I have family living in the U.S. as far south as Surprise, AZ and as far north as Kodiak Island, AK.

7. Upon consulting Google Maps, I have found that my mom is not on the island in Alaska where she could throw a rock and hit Russia. She could, however, throw a rock the other way and hit Canada.

8. Clearly, I haven't taken a U.S. geography class since middle school...

9. I'm thinking about embracing my artistic side again. It's been a while, and I've gotten more and more frustrated with school. Maybe I'll paint a mug when I go back to Eugene.

10. I wish I had the space to just bring home random pieces of furniture from garage sales and Goodwill and make them my own with a few coats of paint. As it is, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the recliner couch/loveseat set we have upstairs that I want.

11. Next instrument on my wish list to learn how to play: trombone.

12. I also wish I was big enough to play tuba.

13. I draw inspiration for random creative projects from all kinds of sources. I wish I had the kind of scheduling flexibility and financial resources to pursue a lot of them.

14. I want to find my soul mate. Within the next four years or so would be tight.

15. My three top choices for a theme room are: shrine to all that embodies the Oregon Ducks, bold colors/tropical/Hawaiian, black/white/sky blue/frosted silver/stainless steel. If I could get them all into one house I'd be happy.

16. I love plants, but I get way too distracted to remember to take care of them.

17. I love collecting quotations, both by famous people and by my friends. I want to make a quote wall.

18. I love packing. It's one of my favorite parts of both traveling and moving. My least favorite would have to be actually leaving a place I've grown to love.

19. I'm not generally a huge fan of flavored water. I do, however, love strawberry-kiwi and grape Propel, and XXX Vitamin Water.

20. I have a huge collection of bath goodies, such as bath fizzes, salts, oil beads, bubble bath, etc. I need to take more baths.

there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Three weeks ago, I felt completely lost and hopeless for this term, for this year, for my college career.

Now, with week 10 done as far as classes go, and this term pretty much wrapped up save for one project, I'm in a far better, happier and relaxed situation. And the project, which I had worried about because my grade for the class really does hinge on this one assignment, now seems very feasible. It's organized, I have a plan to accomplish all of the requirements...hell, I might even get a good grade on it.

And...I'm considering a couple different options for minors.

I just feel very...motivated. :) Which I haven't felt for a while. It's nice to have that feeling back.

interesting sighting

Yesterday as I was getting food between Reporting 1 and BA 101, I saw a couple of tables outside the EMU amphitheater. Students for Choice and a table that I'm guessing was supposed to oppose the death penalty.

Interesting concept. It's ok to kill fetuses that have done nothing wrong, but we don't think twice about allowing people who have committed heinous crimes (murder, serial rape and the like) to continue on to hurt more people.

I'm not trying to start an argument, or necessarily open this up as a forum for debate. I just thought it was interesting.

I love my friends.

You all probably know that I've been on a huge emotional roller coaster the past couple of weeks. Everything -- friendships, school stuff, family stuff, low self-esteem and other stuff -- have taken a huge toll on my happiness lately. Some people have all but abandoned me for it. But it's you guys, who have stuck by me when I really needed it without writing off my needs as "trivial" or unimportant, who I am honored to call my real friends. Sometimes it doesn't take a huge gesture to say a lot. Sometimes all I need is a hug, some company or a listening ear. You guys have given me that and a lot more. Even saying hi when we see each other means more than most people realize.

One of the biggest things this experience has taught me is that there are tons of people all around me who care, and I regret not realizing that earlier. Some of you I've known for a while. Some for only a couple of years. Some for only a week (we really should make up for that, Sierra. Lol.) But I hadn't known just how many people were concerned about me, and how many were willing to really be the friends I needed at the time, and all the time.

Thank you guys from the bottom of my still-aching heart. I really, truly love each and every one of you.

This blog entry is dedicated to:
Alitia Monasmith
Andrew Clark
Ashley Flock
Ashlyn Gehrett
Becky Thomson
Bess Oliver
Brian Tompkins
Cameron Jerde
Claire McLeod
Danny Hoover
Josh Shere
Kallen Dewey
Katie Kinney
Katie Nash
Kurt Mehlenbacher
Mackenzie Studebaker
Melissa Underhill
Monica Droker
Scott Klinn
Sierra Johnson
Spencer Krutzler

spring. break.

Thanks to the fortunate circumstance of having three classes, none of which have exams scheduled during finals week, I have roughly two full weeks of spring break.

Tentatively, the plan is for me to spend parts of the time in Newberg, Eugene, Salem and Central Point.

During the first week, I'm thinking about going home to Newberg to go through the stuff I left home, make a Goodwill donation run, and pack everything else up to go back to Eugene, where I'll figure out where to store it all.

I also plan on going up to Salem to visit my dad and possibly redeem my vast collection of Chuck E. Cheese tickets. :) yeah, I'm such a mature adult lol. And of course, I plan to make a long-overdue and very much needed trip to Central Point to see Alitia.

It's gonna be busy. And then I'm going to go back to Eugene and take 21-22ish credits.

I'm tired just thinking about it.

Sigh.

So, apparently my mom accepted a job offer in Alaska. Tentatively, the plan is for her to fly down March 17 and start work on March 22, and for Matt to follow in June after Abi graduates and the house gets sold. Which means I have one week during spring break to move all my stuff from Newberg to Eugene...plus see my mom for the last time for a really long time.

This is depressing. I need sleep.

Pictures from band prom...

...can be found here.

Some of my favorites from Manhattan Beach :)

Beautiful apartments.

The first view of the pier...and the ocean!

Lifeguard cars.

Surfer!

Ashley could sell Drumsticks.

Yay!

Ashley next to a palm tree.

Another really cool looking tree.

Clickin'

Random recent pictures.

Close-up of the mug I got at Disneyland.

The angel Alitia made me for Christmas last year.

Just some of my many pairs of earrings.

My phone...always within arm's reach.

Close-up of a green vase I got at Value Village.

My lantern.

The most epic sandwich I've ever seen. Credits: Bess for modeling, Brian for making this amazing culinary masterpiece.