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Saturday, May 29, 2010

Both now and in the years to be, a never-failing loyalty.




So yeah, retreat pretty much exceeded my expectations.

Random children crashing the BBQ, lots of joking around, the traditional piñata and actually accomplishing some things made for a memorable afternoon.

And, possibly more significantly, I came away from this retreat with a renewed spirit. For the first time in a long time I truly felt happy to be a member of band council, and I'm excited for what we as a council and we as a band can and will accomplish this coming year.

Things may not be perfect, and some things may never change. But when everyone makes the most of what they're given, the results are often greater than the sum of the parts.

I can't wait for this year.

(John Stark Evans, composer, "Oregon Pledge Song")

Friday, May 28, 2010

to our love let all the jilted lovers cry

I'm frustrated, angry, upset, hurt, depressed, sad, enraged, betrayed and confused.

All at once.

Nothing is going right anymore. I have no clue what I'm going to do when I graduate in a couple years. I don't feel qualified to do anything. Hell, I'd probably miss out on working at McDonald's because that's how things go for me.

I'm officially out of opportunities to make something of myself in band. I'm on band council, but I'm pretty much a nobody there. I'm tired of certain people bitching at me all the time. And I can't talk to anyone about it because they'll automatically assume things that aren't accurate or even true. I've already pissed off one person tonight. I'm sure as hell not taking it up with Jake or Amanda. I guess my option is to just leave quietly. I probably won't even be missed.

And I'm tired of being the good friend and then having it backfire. Whether it's comforting someone in a time of emotional need or inviting a friend over so he isn't wandering the streets inebriated in the middle of the night, I thought I was doing what any good friend would. But then I get discarded.

I hate the world tonight. But I need to go to bed because I need to wake up early to work on a project, for which my group is meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow.

Screw comm law. Another thing for me to hate.

(Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "People Ain't No Good")

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

You stir up emotions in a blender, everything in disarray...

I'm really tired of people hurting me.

I know that's part of life, and I even know that shit happens to a lot of people more often than it should.

But I'm having a hell of a time trying to figure out who my real friends are and who's just along for the ride while it's convenient, but then suddenly disappears when I need them.

Especially when some of them bounce back and forth between both categories by the day.

I want another tuba buddy hug. From either of them would be nice, although I know one of them is much more likely than the other, which at this point is nearly impossible.

But he's probably off doing something right now with someone else. Or sleeping. I hope he's sleeping.

My God I am paranoid.

Maybe this is why I don't deserve friends. I'm just too damn volatile.

Sigh...

(Sígur Rós, "Ara Batur/The Row Boat")

when there's nothing left.



I've reached a point where people hurting me is normal and people being nice is a rarity.

Two years ago, I thought the best course of action for my personal happiness was to find someone as soon as possible. But at the moment, the mere idea of men makes me want to stab someone.

It starts by me wanting to be nice and helpful. A good friend. And ends with hurt and anger and confusion.

Effing tubas. They can burn in hell.

I didn't mean that. I'm just really angry right now.

I don't even know who my real friends are anymore. Too many people have taken advantage of me lately.

I need out of here.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

maybe it's time for me to move on.

I'm running out of opportunities to stand out.
I feel doomed to a life of mediocrity and anonymity.

Maybe I should switch to tuba this year. I had planned to do it next year, but I'm quickly losing excitement for being in the baritone section. It could be fun. But it could also be a term of hell, which I want to avoid if it kills me.

Katie won't be happy. But maybe it's time I stopped pleasing other people.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Save the Molalla River Middle School Band and Choir!

Check out this video by my cousin Kaila, a MRMS student and band member for three years.



Also check out this blog by the band, as well as this Facebook group created by Kaila.

I'm extremely impressed at the commitment these students have to this cause. Even though they're in middle school, they clearly care about their music programs, and it would be a shame to see these opportunities be taken away from them.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I hear the ticking of the clock, I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark...

I want off this roller coaster. The ride's not fun anymore.
Every time it seems that things are finally going great, something ridiculous gets thrown into the mix to make things terrible again.
Like last night.

Last night was the campus band concert. It was bittersweet.
On the one hand, it was the culmination of eight weeks of work.
On the other hand...campus band's over now.
Until next year, a new year, a new term, with a new GTF to take the place of David Vickerman.
And I love campus band.
It's been the highlight of my week. It's what made Wednesday my favorite day of the week, even though it also happened to be the longest.
I'd leave my apartment at 9:40, knowing that I wouldn't see it again until after 10 that night.
But I also knew that whatever stress, whatever worry, whatever bad things had entered my life that week, could be set aside for two blessed hours while my friends and I got together and did what we love: making music.
Hell, I could get out of a particularly stressful gospel choir rehearsal and then just a half hour later everything would be good again, if only for a little while.

The concert was a magical moment.
We did our performance. We made mistakes, we might have been a little out of tune.
But as far as being completely and truly happy, it was perfect.
Afterward, I stuck around for Brass Ensemble.
When they played "Fanfare for the Common Man," I'm sure I stopped breathing.
I still can't listen to that piece without thinking of Mr. Elliott.
In my mind, that will always be his song.
Then they finished with Star Wars, and my feelings during that piece can only be described using inappropriate references.
So I'll just say it was amazing.

I got home late that night, checked my email and found my financial aid award letter.
I'm not getting nearly the same amount of money I got this year.
Taking into consideration tuition increases, I'm in about the same situation I was in last year.
Which means...I'm in over my head.
Now, in addition to completing 21 credits without crashing and burning during the next three weeks, I also have to search for jobs, save money and figure out how the hell I'm going to get through summer, let alone next year.
Shit.
I have no idea what I'm going to do.
I barely slept last night.
I'm barely going to sleep tonight.
I don't think I'll ever sleep again.

I wish I had someone to help me relax.
Unfortunately, I don't have a tuba buddy anymore. =(

I'm alone.

(Heart, "Alone")

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I hate the world today.

And I'm not completely sure why. The list of reasons could strangle an elephant.

Maybe I'll rant later.

(Meredith Brooks, "Bitch")

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

How can I get you alone?

I know you told me to stop the deep thinking, because I do it way too much and it makes me feel like crap every time (and occasionally gets me into all kinds of trouble.)

But I need to do it now. A lot of it. And I wish I felt more comfortable talking to you so you can talk some sense into me. You never mince words, you never beat around the bush. You tell it like it is, even if it's what I don't want to hear. And ultimately I feel better because of it.

I'm apprehensive about marching band next year. On the one hand, I love it. It's the most fulfilling, enduring constant force in my life since I started college. It's kept me connected to the music that I love. I've met so many people through it. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of heartbreak on occasion, but in the end I keep coming back.

Although now I'm not so sure.

I'm running out of ideas for trying to make a positive contribution to the group. Being just a member of the band isn't enough, because I know I'm willing and able to make a greater, more meaningful contribution. Being on band council helps a little, although being just a member of the general assembly still feels like I'm being held back. But it's all I can do.

I tried to get into KKPsi at the suggestion of Bess, who joined BSU's chapter, and...didn't get a bid. I did, however, get a mass email last week from them seeking prospective members to be part of the gamma class. Um, no thanks. I'm not going to go through rush again so I can be rejected again. And I know I'm going to be rejected again, because I'm not close enough friends with anyone currently in the fraternity. Whatever.

So, what now? Other than the possibility of switching to tuba for my fifth year (which I REALLY want to do), I'm not sure what else I'm going to be able to do. The one thing that gave my college experience meaning is starting to fail me, to the point where I don't know where I belong anymore.

I need my tuba buddy back. I need to talk to him.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

creativity strikes!

Maybe it's because I have one of two "boring" classes each of four days of the school week. But with eight hours of essentially free thinking time, plus the time I spend hanging out in the SOM, that's a lot of hours to ponder creative possibilities.

I want to try so many things. I'm learning new instruments, trying to get better at photography, doodling in the margins of my notebook. I have neon-colored fabric spray paint waiting to be applied to a white T-shirt once I plan out a design. I've been wanting to try out some things in Photoshop. I want to make some videos set to some songs.

Once this term's over and I have less to stress out about, I think I'm in for an interesting time of exploration and creativity.