I guess sleeping isn't an option tonight.

Sometimes, my mind and I just don't get along.

Case in point: tonight. Or this morning, rather. Right now it's just after 5 a.m. Saturday. I should be sleeping. I want to be sleeping. But apparently my mind has other plans tonight. It wants to remind me of all the things I've done to unintentionally hurt my friends, all the situations I've made awkward just by being present, all the reasons why, no matter how much I want to just lay all my feelings and problems out in front of someone for no other reason than to just get it, I can't because it will either get me in trouble or ruin my friendship with the other person.

Lots of aspects of my life are still very uncertain, and that scares me to death. I still have no clear idea of what I want to do in a year and a half (ish) when it's time for me to leave UO. I don't know where I want to live, or where I'll be able to afford to live. I'm worried about the economy, and how it's very likely that, especially in my chosen field, I'll start having to pay back the crap ton of student loans I have long before I have a secure job. I'm losing confidence in the one thing I thought I would be good at and enjoy.

But above all of those other things, the one thing that's been weighing on my mind the most lately is love, or rather, the apparent shortage of it anywhere in my near and even not-so-near future. This is also one of those things I can't really discuss with anyone, even the people who are the closest to me, without having them rehash, over and over again, how it's all in my head, how I'll only be lonely forever if I let it happen, how there are more important things in life, how I should stay positive because of all the other good things in my life, on and on and on. And I know that what they're saying makes sense.

At the same time though, for reasons I can't even begin to comprehend, it seems like everyone else I know has their lives all put together. One of the reasons I honestly can't stand being in Newberg anymore is because of the whole climate of "oh, our families have known each other forever and we've been best friends since the day we were born and now let's get married less than a year out of high school and have adorable children and on and on and on." Because that's just the way it is. In the two and a half years since I graduated from Newberg High School, at least 10 percent of all the girls in my graduating class and the one after it are engaged. A lot of them are married. Some of them even have kids.

Meanwhile, I'm out in the middle of nowhere. I've dated and been dumped by a total of one person in my entire life, and I met him in college; he wasn't someone I've known since birth and dated since middle school. I've never known any sort of romantic love, and after a year and a half with no one even on the horizon, it's not looking like I will anytime soon. And I know a ton of people would argue with this if they even bothered to read my blog, but I constantly feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't find love until they're too old. I know people would instantly point out that I'm "only 20" and I "have a lot of time left" and "one bad relationship shouldn't be the end of the world," but when pretty much everyone else I know is at least committed to someone, or was when they were my age, it feels like it's only a matter of time before it's automatically game over, sorry, you lose.

And I know this sounds ridiculous, and I've mentioned it before, but I'm starting to wonder whether I should just give up. Not necessarily just because I don't think I'm worth it, but because I'm not sure which of my options will get me in trouble and which will actually help. If I actively look for people, I look desperate. If I start making a bunch of friends with guys and then constantly monitor the friendship to see if there's any hint of anything more, I feel like a creeper, drive myself to insanity and ruin the friendship. If I just give up, people judge me for that too. There's absolutely no way to win here, and a variety of ways to lose.

At this point, I'm even going so far as to view any sort of attraction to anyone as a red flag, and then using all available energy and willpower to keep myself in as much of a neutral, apathetic state as possible. But then that has the potential of me looking like an asshole who doesn't care. And I'm friends with these people, so I need to care. And I want to care. And so I try to care. But at the same time I'm constantly trying to maintain a balance of caring but not to the point where I get too close.

And emotional distancing is such a hard thing when you're good friends with someone, to the point where you would go to the ends of the earth for them, not out of obsession, but simply because you care deeply about them. Especially when you know that even one misinterpreted action could ruin a friendship forever, because any sort of feeling other than platonic friendship is not ok and will never be ok.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless and lost. But at the same time, I have to stay positive because that's what my friends and everyone else wants. Which means I have nowhere to vent, other than a crappy blog that no one reads. Which might be a good thing. Although it really doesn't help much.

I thought sleeping would help take my mind off the problem, at least for tonight. I guess that wasn't an options, seeing as it's 6 a.m., I have yet to sleep and I still feel miserable. Maybe I should just give up on that possibility for tonight and try again in vain in 18 hours...

Fun with my phone!

aka fighting boredom at Mac Court.

Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends!

The following is a dedication to some of the best friends I've known. I love all of you!

Brian Tompkins: We've known each other since elementary school, which makes you my oldest friend. However, it wasn't until high school that we finally started actually hanging out together, and I guess we can thank both band and Bess for that. :) Therefore, it seemed natural that when you finally came to Eugene after two years at PCC, we would room together. Although the beginning was a little rough -- partly because we were still adjusting to each other's idiosyncrasies and pet peeves, and partly because I was going through a lot of frustration about a variety of things -- I'm really glad that for the most part we worked things out. :)

Bess Oliver: Ever since I decided that day in CARE to hang out with you and read in the gym instead of playing games, I had a feeling that year wouldn't be the last we saw of each other, which made the ensuing (and totally bogus) time out well worth it. Unfortunately, you moved, and so our paths diverged until your freshman year of high school, when we reunited in football pep band. That year, basketball pep band was even better than it was my freshman year because for the first time I actually had someone to talk to and hang out with...plus it eventually led you to Brian. :) Since then we've only gotten closer and closer, which I've appreciated a ton, especially immediately after the whole incident in July 2008...which we will not speak of. I can't wait for you to come down here!

Claire McLeod: Although I haven't known you nearly as long as some of my other friends, I still consider you to be one of my best friends. You've been the voice of reason many times, while at the same time you can be shockingly dirty -- which in my opinion is the perfect combination. From Advanced Human Bio to the pre-prom limo orgy to your bachelorette party and wedding, we've had a bunch of fun times, and hopefully there are more in the future!

Ashley Flock: I first became aware of your existence when Chase mentioned you sometime in winter of my freshman year at UO. Not long after that, we came to Sheldon to play in the pep band. One of my favorite things about that night was that even though I wasn't a student and had in fact never attended that school, I still felt right at home with you and your friends in the clarinet section. And I had a feeling we were going to be awesome friends. I've loved all the crazy epic adventures we've had in the past couple years, and am really happy we were able to sort things out after last winter and get back to having fun!

Alitia Monasmith: My Mormon. :) When you, Ashley and I get together it's never dull. Case in point: New Year's Eve in Sacramento on the way back from the Holiday Bowl trip, and the Mad Libs on the bus. Even with all that went on, I still count that among my favorite memories. Also, you accidentally saying "c*cksucker" was pretty funny, mostly because I would have never expected it. Although your time in Eugene was cut short, know that you are missed a ton. You've been there for me through some of my darkest times, and I'm really happy that I've been able to help you out as well. Come back soon and we can bang some sticks!

Josh Shere: You're one of my newest best friends, but every day I keep wondering, where the hell have you been the past few years? And the answer to that would probably be: mixed in with the drumline, which I was convinced only had a bunch of dbags. Little did I know that there were nice people too. However, I think you randomly stalked me on Facebook one day and we started talking, and then you tailgated with us before the WSU game, and from there we started hanging out more. But it's a lot deeper than that; you've also been online at 4 a.m. when I needed to talk, you've texted back and forth for indecent amounts of time in order to set me straight when I was having an off day emotionally, and you give awesome hugs. Basically, you're up there with people I've known forever like Bess and Brian, a feat you managed to accomplish in five months, probably by magic or something. Anyway, you're one of the awesomest people I know, evidenced by the fact that you're on this list. And also, 211 really isn't that hard to play.

Hey! Pachuco!

Finally, things seem to be falling into place.

The people who I call my friends have been and continue to be the most amazing people I've ever known. And I find new friends where I least expect them to be.

With the exception of a few people who will probably always rub me the wrong way, marching band is a truly awesome experience. Even during band camp, I was wondering if I had made a mistake by wanting to switch from clarinet to euphonium -- prior to this year I had never played a brass instrument in my life -- and as a result, I contemplated quitting band because I knew there was no way I could ever feel comfortable in the clarinet section again. However, as the season progresses, I continue to get better and more confident on my horn, and even though I will probably never reach the level of most of the rest of my section, I've finally found something about marching band that I genuinely enjoy, and to me that's enough.

Things are becoming more stable on the friendship front. I've fixed friendships with most of the people I hurt last year, and those who still hold a grudge against me for whatever reason are not central to my life anymore; they've moved to the outer fringe where I can push them out of my mind a lot more easily. I've also met several new people, as well as some others who I wish I would have known earlier, and they've quickly become trusted friends.

Work, although fun, was initially stressful. I continue to get criticism and direction almost every day. However, I'm learning to look at such things as a desire on the part of the more experienced workers to help me do my job better. And I think I'm doing better as time goes on, so yay for improvement! Another plus: I feel a lot more connected to the kids than I did even a month ago. While at first they didn't even remember my name, now they hug me, draw me pictures and want me to sit by them in the circle. :)

So yeah. That's just a snippet of what's been going on lately. This is also an attempt to try and revive my poor blog that has been ignored a bit as of late...

Pic-tarrrrrrrrs.

The entire stadium storms the field after an epic 47-20 demolition of USC.


One of the trees near Autzen.

Cool shadows on the side of one of the art buildings.

The presence of Oregon's craziest student fans memorialized on the South Gate.

A portal to another dimension.

Creepy spider.

Urban farm?

Sunflowers in the Urban Farm.

The Millrace.

dUckbOy made it onto the cover of two student publications simultaneously. The Commentator shows him being sodomized by Scrooge's cane to illustrate a story about the problems with the online student ticketing system, while the ODE did a feature story about the Insane-O's in its Game Day section.

Mac Court as seen from the 300 level. Section 10, aka "The Pit," is the green and yellow bleachers on the right.

Another lifelong dream, realized. Sort of. I still need to haunt it Phantom-style before they tear the place down.

The future alumni/student athlete services building.