I just want something to go right for once.
I want to be able to have a friendship that can turn into something more without things having to become awkward later on.
When you say "we're still friends," I want to believe you.
When I'm willing to understand you, preferring to have you instead of what the world defines as perfection, I just want to know it was worth it.
I want my friends back.
(Avenue Q, "There's a Fine, Fine Line")
The world must be coming to an end. I did, after all, use lyrics from an artist whom I absolutely can't stand. From her most painful, cliched song, no less.
However, I think it pretty much describes my role right now.
I'm always willing to listen, to provide a shoulder to cry on, to reassure you that everything's going to be ok.
The problem is, I don't think I'll ever be more than that to anyone.
I'm too good at being a good friend.
I guess I just really hate seeing the people I love and care about being hurt by people who they love and care about. They come to me because they have no other way to vent their hurt and frustration.
And I take that on. Willingly. Happily.
I just wish my life was more...balanced. That I can continue being the one people go to for help, but that I can also have something that doesn't go from a friendship to an awkward mixed signals situation.
I don't know if that will ever happen. Or if it even can.
But whatever. I need to go to sleep soon.
Here's to another day of what will likely be disappointment. Especially since I'm going to the SOM tomorrow for some much-needed chill time, which also happens to be the territory of the primary people who are making me sad at the moment.
Here goes nothing.
(Taylor Swift, "You Belong With Me")
The rant I had planned might need to wait.
Because I'm in a pretty good mood right now.
And also, despite all of the crappy "friends" I've had in the past, I have some amazing ones right now.
And Call of Duty is awesome. :)
(Pilot, "Magic")
Unless you've been living under a rock for the past few years, if you're even a little bit close to me you know that I am in no way a stranger to problems when it comes to relationships, if not my own, then those of my close friends. Often, the two coincide.
For example, while I'm still trying to deal with a close friend leading me on and then dating a mutual friend, another one of my friends is in his apartment right now, sulking with a beer bottle because he messed things up with a girl he really likes. He told her he was going to ask her to band prom, and she said she wasn't planning on going. Which apparently is a "massive setback."
So I texted him to try and comfort him, like any good friend would do. Because really, that's all I can do. I've gotten so much practice at the "good friend" thing -- despite what people in my family insist on believing; they seem to be married to the idea that I'm a heartless bitch -- that I feel like a professional. I give advice and hugs like they're going out of style.
But in the end, it seems like I'm going to end up being just that, nothing more than a good friend.
I'm tired of people hurting me, over and over again. In the past few months I've lost a few friends because apparently I'm "too depressed." It's not something I can easily control or stop, as much as you'd like to daydream that that's possible.
And when you lead me on for months at a time, then suddenly stop hanging out with me completely, and then I have to find out on Facebook that you're going out with one of the people who I trusted with my heart and soul when I was trying to figure my life out just so I could function, it really pisses me off. And doesn't really help with the whole depression thing. Continually telling me that it's all my fault really isn't helpful either.
I constantly feel like I'm being shafted by the entire world. I've been alone in the world, searching for someone special for a year and a half after being jilted by yet another good friend. I'm not into dating or hooking up with people because I want to preserve myself as a valuable gift to the one person who I will finally give my heart to for good...hopefully.
However, as everyone around me finds happiness, it constantly seems like my shelf life is running out. And once it does...I'll go from valuable gift to unwanted sketchy clearance item just like that.
You used to be one of my best friends. I trusted you so much. I gave you second and third chances because you seemed so honest in confessing when you messed up. Now, I can't even watch Anchorman anymore because of that stupid song you posted on her wall.
This just hurts way too much. I can't be friends with you anymore. Not right now. Maybe not ever.
Goodbye.
Sometimes, my mind and I just don't get along.
Case in point: tonight. Or this morning, rather. Right now it's just after 5 a.m. Saturday. I should be sleeping. I want to be sleeping. But apparently my mind has other plans tonight. It wants to remind me of all the things I've done to unintentionally hurt my friends, all the situations I've made awkward just by being present, all the reasons why, no matter how much I want to just lay all my feelings and problems out in front of someone for no other reason than to just get it, I can't because it will either get me in trouble or ruin my friendship with the other person.
Lots of aspects of my life are still very uncertain, and that scares me to death. I still have no clear idea of what I want to do in a year and a half (ish) when it's time for me to leave UO. I don't know where I want to live, or where I'll be able to afford to live. I'm worried about the economy, and how it's very likely that, especially in my chosen field, I'll start having to pay back the crap ton of student loans I have long before I have a secure job. I'm losing confidence in the one thing I thought I would be good at and enjoy.
But above all of those other things, the one thing that's been weighing on my mind the most lately is love, or rather, the apparent shortage of it anywhere in my near and even not-so-near future. This is also one of those things I can't really discuss with anyone, even the people who are the closest to me, without having them rehash, over and over again, how it's all in my head, how I'll only be lonely forever if I let it happen, how there are more important things in life, how I should stay positive because of all the other good things in my life, on and on and on. And I know that what they're saying makes sense.
At the same time though, for reasons I can't even begin to comprehend, it seems like everyone else I know has their lives all put together. One of the reasons I honestly can't stand being in Newberg anymore is because of the whole climate of "oh, our families have known each other forever and we've been best friends since the day we were born and now let's get married less than a year out of high school and have adorable children and on and on and on." Because that's just the way it is. In the two and a half years since I graduated from Newberg High School, at least 10 percent of all the girls in my graduating class and the one after it are engaged. A lot of them are married. Some of them even have kids.
Meanwhile, I'm out in the middle of nowhere. I've dated and been dumped by a total of one person in my entire life, and I met him in college; he wasn't someone I've known since birth and dated since middle school. I've never known any sort of romantic love, and after a year and a half with no one even on the horizon, it's not looking like I will anytime soon. And I know a ton of people would argue with this if they even bothered to read my blog, but I constantly feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't find love until they're too old. I know people would instantly point out that I'm "only 20" and I "have a lot of time left" and "one bad relationship shouldn't be the end of the world," but when pretty much everyone else I know is at least committed to someone, or was when they were my age, it feels like it's only a matter of time before it's automatically game over, sorry, you lose.
And I know this sounds ridiculous, and I've mentioned it before, but I'm starting to wonder whether I should just give up. Not necessarily just because I don't think I'm worth it, but because I'm not sure which of my options will get me in trouble and which will actually help. If I actively look for people, I look desperate. If I start making a bunch of friends with guys and then constantly monitor the friendship to see if there's any hint of anything more, I feel like a creeper, drive myself to insanity and ruin the friendship. If I just give up, people judge me for that too. There's absolutely no way to win here, and a variety of ways to lose.
At this point, I'm even going so far as to view any sort of attraction to anyone as a red flag, and then using all available energy and willpower to keep myself in as much of a neutral, apathetic state as possible. But then that has the potential of me looking like an asshole who doesn't care. And I'm friends with these people, so I need to care. And I want to care. And so I try to care. But at the same time I'm constantly trying to maintain a balance of caring but not to the point where I get too close.
And emotional distancing is such a hard thing when you're good friends with someone, to the point where you would go to the ends of the earth for them, not out of obsession, but simply because you care deeply about them. Especially when you know that even one misinterpreted action could ruin a friendship forever, because any sort of feeling other than platonic friendship is not ok and will never be ok.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless and lost. But at the same time, I have to stay positive because that's what my friends and everyone else wants. Which means I have nowhere to vent, other than a crappy blog that no one reads. Which might be a good thing. Although it really doesn't help much.
I thought sleeping would help take my mind off the problem, at least for tonight. I guess that wasn't an options, seeing as it's 6 a.m., I have yet to sleep and I still feel miserable. Maybe I should just give up on that possibility for tonight and try again in vain in 18 hours...
Anyone who knew me last year knows that I was not the most pleasant person to be around. I was coming off a sudden, unexpected breakup, which combined with school and stress and all kinds of other issues, made me miserable. I was angry. I was bitter. I went from denying what had happened, to refusing to ever enter another relationship again, to worrying that I would die alone. Many of my close friends, who have been dating their significant others for relatively long periods of time (2-3 years or more) reassured me that that wasn't the case, that if they had found happiness, then so could I.
And in the past year, I've come a long way toward enjoying life again. I caught the bouquet at Claire's wedding, which if nothing else is a tangible reminder of hope for the future. And it's been up and down, but I've been at a relatively stable point emotionally for a while now.
Unfortunately, that stability is constantly being tested.
The most recent blow came in the early hours of Saturday morning, when I found out that Alitia, one of my best friends who lives in Central Point, and the guy she had been in a relationship with for almost two years had broken up. Both of them had visited Eugene the previous weekend for Festival of Bands, and it didn't seem to me like anything was wrong. And it seemed like they were committed to each other, that each had found in the other what they needed to be complete. It was observing loving bonds like that that gave me hope that someday, I too could enjoy something like that.
Now I'm not so sure. If it can happen to the strongest of us, what chance do I have?
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