I hear the ticking of the clock, I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark...

I want off this roller coaster. The ride's not fun anymore.
Every time it seems that things are finally going great, something ridiculous gets thrown into the mix to make things terrible again.
Like last night.

Last night was the campus band concert. It was bittersweet.
On the one hand, it was the culmination of eight weeks of work.
On the other hand...campus band's over now.
Until next year, a new year, a new term, with a new GTF to take the place of David Vickerman.
And I love campus band.
It's been the highlight of my week. It's what made Wednesday my favorite day of the week, even though it also happened to be the longest.
I'd leave my apartment at 9:40, knowing that I wouldn't see it again until after 10 that night.
But I also knew that whatever stress, whatever worry, whatever bad things had entered my life that week, could be set aside for two blessed hours while my friends and I got together and did what we love: making music.
Hell, I could get out of a particularly stressful gospel choir rehearsal and then just a half hour later everything would be good again, if only for a little while.

The concert was a magical moment.
We did our performance. We made mistakes, we might have been a little out of tune.
But as far as being completely and truly happy, it was perfect.
Afterward, I stuck around for Brass Ensemble.
When they played "Fanfare for the Common Man," I'm sure I stopped breathing.
I still can't listen to that piece without thinking of Mr. Elliott.
In my mind, that will always be his song.
Then they finished with Star Wars, and my feelings during that piece can only be described using inappropriate references.
So I'll just say it was amazing.

I got home late that night, checked my email and found my financial aid award letter.
I'm not getting nearly the same amount of money I got this year.
Taking into consideration tuition increases, I'm in about the same situation I was in last year.
Which means...I'm in over my head.
Now, in addition to completing 21 credits without crashing and burning during the next three weeks, I also have to search for jobs, save money and figure out how the hell I'm going to get through summer, let alone next year.
Shit.
I have no idea what I'm going to do.
I barely slept last night.
I'm barely going to sleep tonight.
I don't think I'll ever sleep again.

I wish I had someone to help me relax.
Unfortunately, I don't have a tuba buddy anymore. =(

I'm alone.

(Heart, "Alone")