How can I get you alone?

I know you told me to stop the deep thinking, because I do it way too much and it makes me feel like crap every time (and occasionally gets me into all kinds of trouble.)

But I need to do it now. A lot of it. And I wish I felt more comfortable talking to you so you can talk some sense into me. You never mince words, you never beat around the bush. You tell it like it is, even if it's what I don't want to hear. And ultimately I feel better because of it.

I'm apprehensive about marching band next year. On the one hand, I love it. It's the most fulfilling, enduring constant force in my life since I started college. It's kept me connected to the music that I love. I've met so many people through it. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of heartbreak on occasion, but in the end I keep coming back.

Although now I'm not so sure.

I'm running out of ideas for trying to make a positive contribution to the group. Being just a member of the band isn't enough, because I know I'm willing and able to make a greater, more meaningful contribution. Being on band council helps a little, although being just a member of the general assembly still feels like I'm being held back. But it's all I can do.

I tried to get into KKPsi at the suggestion of Bess, who joined BSU's chapter, and...didn't get a bid. I did, however, get a mass email last week from them seeking prospective members to be part of the gamma class. Um, no thanks. I'm not going to go through rush again so I can be rejected again. And I know I'm going to be rejected again, because I'm not close enough friends with anyone currently in the fraternity. Whatever.

So, what now? Other than the possibility of switching to tuba for my fifth year (which I REALLY want to do), I'm not sure what else I'm going to be able to do. The one thing that gave my college experience meaning is starting to fail me, to the point where I don't know where I belong anymore.

I need my tuba buddy back. I need to talk to him.