Here it goes again...

I'm tired of being strung along for a while by various people, and then dropped when they decided they're not bored anymore.

I think I'm just done trying.

Could you be my yellow when I'm feeling gray?

Why do men have to make life so miserable?

I don't even want a relationship so much as I want to feel loved. Cared about. Important to someone other than me.

I want someone who I can be excited about being with. Someone who isn't afraid to do what it takes to help me feel good.

Sigh...so much for that.

(Daniel Merriweather, "Could You")

(insert profound song lyric here)

Because right now, I can't think of one, and I don't want to force anything into being a title. It has to flow naturally. It has to be the song that makes its way into my mind and refuses to leave.

I'm completely lost right now.

I feel like such an awful person. I can't bring myself to completely ignore people, so the only other option is for me to be labeled as a creeper.

I feel another friendship dissolving right under the eggshells I find myself walking on so I don't get myself in trouble...again.

I was looking forward to a happy summer. Instead, I'm jobless, constantly being compared to my siblings or other family members, and more and more people seem to hate me every day.

I look at my siblings, then I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell went wrong. My sister, who nearly didn't graduate high school, is leaving next week for basic training for the Navy. So of course everyone's proud of her.

And my step brother...has a job, has a girlfriend, has his own vehicle that he can afford to insure himself. So of course everyone's proud of him, they hold him up as a model for everyone else to emulate, they openly applaud everything from how he has his life under control to how even though he's finally committed to ONE girl, he's still doing the responsible thing and waiting until after they're both done with school before they get married.

Then they turn to me and say, "Have you considered match.com?"

Grrrrrr...this is why I'm going to drink...after I turn 21 that is...

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

So... I didn't get to sleep until after 4 a.m.

I can't stop thinking.

And yet I'm awake and out of bed by 11 and not feeling too terrible.

I want my music.

(Imogen Heap, "Hide and Seek")

Around my head it goes, a magic melody...

So I'm hanging out in the SOM because I figured I'd be spending enough time in my apartment tonight as it is.

I'm in the Foo Lounge and I can hear the summer term symphonic band playing. I wish more than almost anything that I could be a part of it. But I can't afford the credit, therefore I can't register for the class.

I miss being part of an ensemble. High school was awesome. I pulled out some of the music I saved from high school and played it while I was in the practice room. Those were good times. Those were happier times.

When I ran into Dr. Paul in the hallway, he said hi and asked how I was doing. I don't even think he knows my name. I've never taken a class from him. Still it was nice. It made me feel like I sort of belonged in the building.

Sigh...I want band back.

(ATC, "Around The World")

You never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb...

I just want something to go right for once.

I want to be able to have a friendship that can turn into something more without things having to become awkward later on.

When you say "we're still friends," I want to believe you.

When I'm willing to understand you, preferring to have you instead of what the world defines as perfection, I just want to know it was worth it.

I want my friends back.

(Avenue Q, "There's a Fine, Fine Line")

I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry...

The world must be coming to an end. I did, after all, use lyrics from an artist whom I absolutely can't stand. From her most painful, cliched song, no less.

However, I think it pretty much describes my role right now.

I'm always willing to listen, to provide a shoulder to cry on, to reassure you that everything's going to be ok.

The problem is, I don't think I'll ever be more than that to anyone.

I'm too good at being a good friend.

I guess I just really hate seeing the people I love and care about being hurt by people who they love and care about. They come to me because they have no other way to vent their hurt and frustration.

And I take that on. Willingly. Happily.

I just wish my life was more...balanced. That I can continue being the one people go to for help, but that I can also have something that doesn't go from a friendship to an awkward mixed signals situation.

I don't know if that will ever happen. Or if it even can.

But whatever. I need to go to sleep soon.

Here's to another day of what will likely be disappointment. Especially since I'm going to the SOM tomorrow for some much-needed chill time, which also happens to be the territory of the primary people who are making me sad at the moment.

Here goes nothing.

(Taylor Swift, "You Belong With Me")

There's nothing to see here, people, keep moving on...

When faced with the choice between the risky, dangerous friendships and the people with perfect lives who look down on you for not having what they have...

I will choose danger.

Every. Time.

Sorry to those who I'm disappointing. I know you enjoyed having me as your bitch.

Cordially,
Nicole

(She Wants Revenge, "These Things")

They'll tar you and drag you through town...

Blog coming soon.

I'm pissed.

At almost everyone.

Except Ashley, Danny and Alitia. You guys are amazing and I love you.

(Cake, "End of the Movie")

And if that day is not enough, maybe we can stay in touch...

My room is strangely empty. Maybe a month ahead of time is a bit early to start packing, seeing as I'm moving about 150 feet away.

I'm craving company. And I wish I was comfortable enough with some people (i.e., thinking about them doesn't make me ill) to talk to them. Because there are quite a few people that I really miss.

I want a cuddle buddy. Bess and Brian are great at that, but still. It feels borrowed. Like, I get love from them all the time, but somehow it doesn't seem like it's completely mine.

I want to watch Braveheart. I want to make tea. I want to go for a walk. But it's too late to do any of that stuff tonight.

Sigh...it's going to be a long night.

(Arkarna, "So Little Time")

I love my sunny day, dream of far away, dreaming on my pillow in the morning...

The rant I had planned might need to wait.

Because I'm in a pretty good mood right now.

And also, despite all of the crappy "friends" I've had in the past, I have some amazing ones right now.

And Call of Duty is awesome. :)

(Pilot, "Magic")

I will say, though...

I am really liking the whole song lyrics as titles thing.

Thanks to Hollis for the idea, I hope you don't mind. :)

Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn? Don't I get a dream for myself?

So, I'm definitely feeling another rant coming on.

But I really have to make it to the post office so I can get my books mailed by today.

So, it will have to wait until later.

But it will happen.

Because damn it. I'm frustrated right now.

("Rose's Turn", from the musical Gypsy)

A different tree now lines the streets, shaking its fists in the air...

So yeah...

A bunch of my friends graduated today. I'm glad I got to see a couple of them, but sad that I didn't have a chance to see others.

I'm realizing, yet again, that I'm too nice to people who hurt me. Which sucks, because I don't think I can be friends with some of these people anymore.

I'm tired of friendships not working.

I need to pack.

I need a job.

I need to get the hell out of this apartment.

I need to get away and be alone.

(Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, "People Ain't No Good")

Ode To The Nice Guys

This is why I love StumbleUpon. Well, one of many, many reasons. But it's good reading, and very relevant to the culture we live in today. According to SU, this rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

Leo, I can't send you letters anymore...

Whoa.

So I reread some of my recent blog posts, and I had to go back quite a ways before I found one that wasn't angsty.

Maybe it's because I haven't written in a while, but I found it sort of depressing. Especially because I feel that things have improved a bit since the last time I blogged.

Yes, I'm still irritated with certain people. Yes, things are still really frustrating, with school and life and money and all that crap. Maybe it's time to cut ties with a few people. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Wow, my life is full of maybes lately.

But at the same time, I've been pleasantly surprised by more than a few people, people who I didn't expect to be nice to me. People who I was originally at odds with.

It's kind of nice.

(Christina Robert, "Letters I Never Wrote") <-- one of my good friends from OMB! :)