thoughts

It's the last night of spring break. A vacation from school that for me, lasted two weeks.
I got tons of time off.
And yet I still don't feel quite prepared to go back.

There's so much change happening all at once.
Mom's in Alaska.
Matt's getting ready to sell the house. Soon, I won't have a "home" anywhere nearby.
Well, there's my apartment in Eugene.
But when I go "home," it won't be home.
It will probably end up being to my grandparents' or some other relative.
Which is nice. It just isn't quite the same.

Everyone around me seems to be hooking up with people, getting engaged, getting married.
I'm still single as ever.
Not only that, but I'm afraid I'll never know what love is like.
Real, romantic love.
The kind where you're so deliriously happy just being with another person.
You can't picture yourself without that special someone in your life.
Sure, people have come into my life. I've become friends with them.
I've had long conversations, lots of hugs and comfort as I've let them into my soul.
But as soon as I have any sort of thought that maybe things could go further, things go horribly wrong and I'm left out in the cold, another friend gone for good.

Why am I so hopelessly bad at this?
Everyone else seems to be just fine.
But something about me seems to keep people as far away as they can possibly get.
Which leaves no chance for anyone new to come along.

I've been told that this time of my life, when I'm not attached to someone, should be the happiest, most carefree time of my life.
It's supposed to be a time for exploration and growth, a time to shop around and find out what exactly I'm looking for.
Instead, I'm lonely all the time.
And I'm scared that that's how things are going to be for the rest of my life.