This is absolutely appalling.

It's people like this who truly give Christianity a bad name. These people are brainwashing these young children, who will likely have lifelong emotional and psychological difficulties as a result. It's really sad. These people are just sick and twisted.



The above clip is from the 2006 documentary "Jesus Camp" which follows a group of young children attending the Kids On Fire Summer Camp, a Pentecostal summer camp run by Becky Fischer. Since the film's release, the camp was shut down indefinitely.

Men will not control me.

I've thought a lot about what I want out of life. And with men on my mind quite often as of late, I've reaffirmed several values that I will NEVER compromise under any circumstances.

I WILL NOT be subservient to men. I believe women exist to complement the existence of men, not to be pushed around by them. I've seen too many instances in relationships around me, including that between my two roommates, where neither person can do ANYTHING without consulting the other. And I've decided that I never, ever want my life to be like that.

A radical stance? Perhaps. But if radical stances didn't exist, we'd still be living under rocks.

It really hit me a few months ago when Bess realized, as she was cooking dinner for Brian (aka her "honey," the most disgusting pet name of them all) so it would be ready when he got home from work, that she's turning into a housewife. Keep in mind that they're in a relationship, not married, not even engaged. This is the trap that so many women find themselves falling into. And I never want that to happen to me.

I'm sure many people will object to my thoughts, saying that "that's what love is supposed to be like" and "you should be excited about pleasing your partner." And to that I say: Bull. Shit.

There's my rant for the night.

melancholy

I reread through some old blogs tonight.

Some of them made me feel ill because they were directed toward people who are now among my best friends. However, at the time they were full of anger, full of hate, particularly toward one guy in particular.

Now, though, I realize that while I was angry with him at the time, it didn't stop him from making it up to me by being there when I needed him most. When another friend hurt me very deeply, he was there with hugs and comfort.

I was angry because he was dating one of our mutual friends, after leading me on unintentionally and before I had completely turned away from him. Now, I realize that even though that fact is part of the current situation, that doesn't change a thing about our friendship.

And after a conversation with the aforementioned mutual friend, I realized even more just how much of a genuine, sweet, caring, selfless person he really is. Any girl would be lucky to have him.

He's one of the best friends I ever had, and I'm glad he's happy.

Now, though, I'm more lost than ever. Still so many unsolved problems with so many other people. I'm tempted to just give up while I'm behind.

Gah. It's almost 2:30 a.m. I need sleep. More later. I have a feeling these are going to get a lot more frequent and emotional.

thoughts

It's the last night of spring break. A vacation from school that for me, lasted two weeks.
I got tons of time off.
And yet I still don't feel quite prepared to go back.

There's so much change happening all at once.
Mom's in Alaska.
Matt's getting ready to sell the house. Soon, I won't have a "home" anywhere nearby.
Well, there's my apartment in Eugene.
But when I go "home," it won't be home.
It will probably end up being to my grandparents' or some other relative.
Which is nice. It just isn't quite the same.

Everyone around me seems to be hooking up with people, getting engaged, getting married.
I'm still single as ever.
Not only that, but I'm afraid I'll never know what love is like.
Real, romantic love.
The kind where you're so deliriously happy just being with another person.
You can't picture yourself without that special someone in your life.
Sure, people have come into my life. I've become friends with them.
I've had long conversations, lots of hugs and comfort as I've let them into my soul.
But as soon as I have any sort of thought that maybe things could go further, things go horribly wrong and I'm left out in the cold, another friend gone for good.

Why am I so hopelessly bad at this?
Everyone else seems to be just fine.
But something about me seems to keep people as far away as they can possibly get.
Which leaves no chance for anyone new to come along.

I've been told that this time of my life, when I'm not attached to someone, should be the happiest, most carefree time of my life.
It's supposed to be a time for exploration and growth, a time to shop around and find out what exactly I'm looking for.
Instead, I'm lonely all the time.
And I'm scared that that's how things are going to be for the rest of my life.

20 randoms.

1. I love driving a lot more than I should. Crazy, considering I sucked at it until this week. I guess being in a car that's both easy to drive and cute as hell makes a difference.

2. One of my personal pet peeves is sock feet. I'm either wearing shoes, wearing slippers or barefoot. Don't ask me why.

3. I have an awesome hat collection, including a sombrero, a rice picker hat and a baseball cap that looks like it could have been plucked from the wardrobe for "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

4. I won that last hat by drinking lots of Mountain Dew.

5. Dollar Tree does for me in Newberg what the Green Acres Goodwill does for me in Eugene. Retail therapy with minimal guilt.

6. As of this afternoon, I have family living in the U.S. as far south as Surprise, AZ and as far north as Kodiak Island, AK.

7. Upon consulting Google Maps, I have found that my mom is not on the island in Alaska where she could throw a rock and hit Russia. She could, however, throw a rock the other way and hit Canada.

8. Clearly, I haven't taken a U.S. geography class since middle school...

9. I'm thinking about embracing my artistic side again. It's been a while, and I've gotten more and more frustrated with school. Maybe I'll paint a mug when I go back to Eugene.

10. I wish I had the space to just bring home random pieces of furniture from garage sales and Goodwill and make them my own with a few coats of paint. As it is, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the recliner couch/loveseat set we have upstairs that I want.

11. Next instrument on my wish list to learn how to play: trombone.

12. I also wish I was big enough to play tuba.

13. I draw inspiration for random creative projects from all kinds of sources. I wish I had the kind of scheduling flexibility and financial resources to pursue a lot of them.

14. I want to find my soul mate. Within the next four years or so would be tight.

15. My three top choices for a theme room are: shrine to all that embodies the Oregon Ducks, bold colors/tropical/Hawaiian, black/white/sky blue/frosted silver/stainless steel. If I could get them all into one house I'd be happy.

16. I love plants, but I get way too distracted to remember to take care of them.

17. I love collecting quotations, both by famous people and by my friends. I want to make a quote wall.

18. I love packing. It's one of my favorite parts of both traveling and moving. My least favorite would have to be actually leaving a place I've grown to love.

19. I'm not generally a huge fan of flavored water. I do, however, love strawberry-kiwi and grape Propel, and XXX Vitamin Water.

20. I have a huge collection of bath goodies, such as bath fizzes, salts, oil beads, bubble bath, etc. I need to take more baths.

there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Three weeks ago, I felt completely lost and hopeless for this term, for this year, for my college career.

Now, with week 10 done as far as classes go, and this term pretty much wrapped up save for one project, I'm in a far better, happier and relaxed situation. And the project, which I had worried about because my grade for the class really does hinge on this one assignment, now seems very feasible. It's organized, I have a plan to accomplish all of the requirements...hell, I might even get a good grade on it.

And...I'm considering a couple different options for minors.

I just feel very...motivated. :) Which I haven't felt for a while. It's nice to have that feeling back.

interesting sighting

Yesterday as I was getting food between Reporting 1 and BA 101, I saw a couple of tables outside the EMU amphitheater. Students for Choice and a table that I'm guessing was supposed to oppose the death penalty.

Interesting concept. It's ok to kill fetuses that have done nothing wrong, but we don't think twice about allowing people who have committed heinous crimes (murder, serial rape and the like) to continue on to hurt more people.

I'm not trying to start an argument, or necessarily open this up as a forum for debate. I just thought it was interesting.

I love my friends.

You all probably know that I've been on a huge emotional roller coaster the past couple of weeks. Everything -- friendships, school stuff, family stuff, low self-esteem and other stuff -- have taken a huge toll on my happiness lately. Some people have all but abandoned me for it. But it's you guys, who have stuck by me when I really needed it without writing off my needs as "trivial" or unimportant, who I am honored to call my real friends. Sometimes it doesn't take a huge gesture to say a lot. Sometimes all I need is a hug, some company or a listening ear. You guys have given me that and a lot more. Even saying hi when we see each other means more than most people realize.

One of the biggest things this experience has taught me is that there are tons of people all around me who care, and I regret not realizing that earlier. Some of you I've known for a while. Some for only a couple of years. Some for only a week (we really should make up for that, Sierra. Lol.) But I hadn't known just how many people were concerned about me, and how many were willing to really be the friends I needed at the time, and all the time.

Thank you guys from the bottom of my still-aching heart. I really, truly love each and every one of you.

This blog entry is dedicated to:
Alitia Monasmith
Andrew Clark
Ashley Flock
Ashlyn Gehrett
Becky Thomson
Bess Oliver
Brian Tompkins
Cameron Jerde
Claire McLeod
Danny Hoover
Josh Shere
Kallen Dewey
Katie Kinney
Katie Nash
Kurt Mehlenbacher
Mackenzie Studebaker
Melissa Underhill
Monica Droker
Scott Klinn
Sierra Johnson
Spencer Krutzler

spring. break.

Thanks to the fortunate circumstance of having three classes, none of which have exams scheduled during finals week, I have roughly two full weeks of spring break.

Tentatively, the plan is for me to spend parts of the time in Newberg, Eugene, Salem and Central Point.

During the first week, I'm thinking about going home to Newberg to go through the stuff I left home, make a Goodwill donation run, and pack everything else up to go back to Eugene, where I'll figure out where to store it all.

I also plan on going up to Salem to visit my dad and possibly redeem my vast collection of Chuck E. Cheese tickets. :) yeah, I'm such a mature adult lol. And of course, I plan to make a long-overdue and very much needed trip to Central Point to see Alitia.

It's gonna be busy. And then I'm going to go back to Eugene and take 21-22ish credits.

I'm tired just thinking about it.